Five Steps to Diffusing Tension in Couples Communication From a Couples Therapist in Los Angeles
For most partnerships, diffusing tension in a heated discussion is an area that involves a great deal of attentiveness. While there are tips and techniques for co-creating better communication practices, seeking out couples therapy is especially helpful in learning to better attune to one another’s needs. Couples therapy does not need to be in person. Online couples therapy can be just as helpful in identifying communication patterns that are derailing contentment and connection in relationships. In particular, couples counseling in Los Angeles is especially suited for helping overcome and navigate better techniques in sharing and listening:
Five Steps to Diffusing Tension
Admit in the moment that the discussion is tense.
Stepping out of the heat of the moment--and sharing with your partner that you are both feeling tension--is a way to acknowledge that the conversation is escalating in intensity. While this can be difficult to put into practice at the moment—we all are hoping to be seen, heard, and hopefully understood. Offering awareness goes a long way.
2. Acknowledge the history of your tension.
For example, in some communication dynamics, one person may talk faster than the other. Thus, causing their partner to feel overwhelmed and on sensory overload. Taking personal inventory and noting this pattern—especially during a calm moment as a couple—gives you both permission to change the pattern. Some questions to consider: Do you frequently interrupt each other in arguments? Do you devolve into name-calling? Does one person typically shut down while the other rants? How do you both feel when you begin to raise your voices?
What family history of argument factors in? Do either one of you make passive-aggressive comments? Often, untangling years of conditioning and patterning can take a great deal of conscious effort and practice. It is entirely normal for couples to not be able to take on this process without the help of couples therapy. Couples counseling in Los Angeles is especially helpful and can offer an extra level of understanding and compassion for one another in communication.
3. Be sure to identify your state of being before broaching difficult subjects.
For example, connect with yourself and check in to see if your stress from a challenging workday is bleeding over into your conversations. Additionally, practicing H.A.L.T. is an exceptional strategy before taking on tougher conversations. Are you Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired? Could any of these be affecting your emotional state or your partner’s? Are you properly hydrated? Being aware of our emotional and physical needs, and voicing them gently to our partner, has a great impact on the effectiveness of our sharing.
Consider how much better a conversation about finances will go if you are both calm and centered. Consider how much easier the conversation will be if one partner clearly communicates their state of being: “I know we had planned to have a discussion about changing the budget so we can make improvements to the kitchen. I did not get lunch at work today and I did not sleep well last night, so I don’t think I am in the best frame of mind to talk about this tonight. Can we go over everything tomorrow instead? I will be happy to come home early from work and bring takeout so we can make it a priority.”
4. Have a signal.
When conversations start to get off track and into tense territory, it often helps to have a previously agreed-upon signal. One to indicate that you are feeling off track or need a moment to yourself. This could be physical—a gentle touch on the back, rubbing your partner’s forearm, placing your hand on their knee, or another loving gesture in body language that reminds you both to diffuse. It could also be verbal—maybe a code word that makes you both laugh or brings back a joyful memory.
Maybe it is something silly or irreverent—handing your partner a playing card, a stuffed animal, or a remote. Anything that says, let’s slow down, take stock, and be sure we are coming from a centered place together. Have trouble determining what signal might work best for you? Having trouble remembering to implement or accept the signal? Talking to a couples counselor can help you not only decide on a signal to use but also how best to integrate it.
5. Without interrupting, ask your partner for clarification and then offer reassurance.
This may be one of the most challenging aspects of helping to release stress, especially in the heat of the moment. However, offering compassion and clarification helps your partner feel more calm, regulated, and can be a way to put the conversation back on course. For example, consider this scenario: your partner has recently been upset over their best friend’s divorce.
For a number of days they have been sharing their feelings of dread over the future for their friend, and it has brought up their own abandonment issues concerning not only your relationship but their relationship with their father, who left when your partner was young. Your partner is clearly processing a lot of emotion and may be confused not only by how they are dealing with this change but also by how they are communicating it with you. As a result, they may be more prone to make statements that are not clear, most likely as a way to seek out comfort. Maybe your partner says something about their best friend now having to sell their house, and how every divorce leads to moving away and losing people you love.
Rather than be defensive and reassure your partner that you both do not have the same dynamic, consider approaching with curiosity: “Please help me understand. Does your friend’s divorce lead you to have feelings of abandonment in other areas of your life? I am here to listen and support you. I want to know how you feel about this. Please take your time sharing with me and I will do my best to understand.” By providing a space of expanse and compassion, you will allow your partner to move through the emotion, and also potentially have a revelation about the various ways in which their friend’s divorce is bringing up negative patterns for them. If it feels as if you and your partner are stuck, or you are looking for strategies and ways to offer clarity and reassurance, seeking out couples counseling in Los Angeles can be a saving grace.
Be Aware of Your Communication Patterns
When approaching any heated subject in conversation, it is important to consider your familial influences, past conditioning, and defenses. Additionally, it helps to identify and be aware of communication patterns within your relationship that emerge in intense discussions. Connected and transformational intimacy is the result of attentive work on these communication skills.
Working with a couples therapist in Los Angeles is a surefire way to create a space for greater love, fulfillment, growth, and true intimacy. In time, and by implementing these practices, previously tense conversations may instead be met with ease, grace, and illumination. A deepening gift to your relationship.
Ready to Improve Your Communication With the Help of Couples Counseling in Los Angeles, CA?
Is communication causing constant fights in your relationship? Don't let misunderstandings tear your relationship apart. Take the initiative and invest in your love by seeking couples counseling in Los Angeles – let a skilled couples therapist at Therapy for Adults help you both build a stronger, more harmonious connection. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
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Other Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles
At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for anyone experiencing relationship issues, not just couples. This includes dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. In addition to couples counseling, I help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. For more posts like this, check out my Blog!
