The Defensiveness Trap: How Reactivity Stunts Emotional Intimacy

How to Pivot from Cycles that are Harming your Partnership: an LA-Based Therapist Weighs in

Think of the last time you intentionally avoided a topic with your partner. Were you concerned about how your partner might react? Rather than share your excitement, offer a moment of vulnerability, or initiate a discussion that might prove healing to your relationship, did you retreat, withdraw, downplay, or shut down because you didn’t want to be met with reactivity?

Perpetuating communication dynamics defined by a “walking on eggshells” approach can cause long-term and chronic harm to intimacy, emotional safety, and ultimately to your sense of trust with your partner. While therapy sessions are integral to forming healthier communication patterns, understanding defensiveness—and its triggers and consequences—is an important part of changing the way you both react and respond to one another.

What is reaction versus response?

Whenever we are met with discussing a particularly intense topic—finances, parenting, family dynamics, holidays, career changes, or sometimes even where to grab dinner—often emotions (and opinions) are already running high. In approaching a conversation like this, it is important to be mindful of how we both give and receive the information being shared, especially if it is triggering, has caused conflict in the past, or is at odds with how we are feeling/perceiving the situation.

Let’s take this example:

After having your partner’s family visit for the weekend, you are feeling the weight of the mental load from your time together. Their family made meals but did not clean the kitchen, poked fun at your art and furniture choices, and continued to talk about topics that you asked them to not address in front of the kids. Weary, you know it is something you need to bring up to your partner, but you also know that your partner is protective of their family and may not take your observations well. Additionally, this may be a topic you have addressed before—and not seen change—which also causes it to be an even more loaded subject than most.

First, let’s look at a non-defensive approach to the conversation:

“I loved having your family for the weekend. Your mom had some really helpful gardening tips and we bonded over that. I also am struggling because they did not clean up after themselves in the kitchen and I am really exhausted from having to do the extra labor. Can we be sure to talk to them next time so that they understand that part of making a big meal means also cleaning up afterwards?”  

Here are some potentially defensive reactions. How many do you recognize? How many have you experienced?

·      “Why do you always give my family a hard time? You know that is how they are.” This response is an attempt to deflect from the vulnerability and the partner’s observation. The use of binary language is also an attempt to make the partner feel guilty for even broaching the subject.

·      “Oh like you are any better! How about the time you…” Here, defensiveness leads to blame-shifting which causes the asking partner to feel as if they should have never brought up the topic to begin with. It can also cause the asking partner to feel as if they need to defend their actions, therefore derailing the point of bringing up the topic- i.e. a change in habits when parents come to visit.

·      “Why would you bring this up now? We were having such a great day and now you want to talk about this. At least my Dad didn’t ask to use the car again. Let’s just be thankful for that.” This accusation is also an attempt to minimize the speaker’s needs and avoid the conversation by using guilt as a tactic.

·      No verbal reaction at all, but defensive body language: your partner rolls their eyes, leaves the room, slams the door, picks up their phone and ignores you, or goes silent

If any of these reactions sound familiar, or if any of them caused a physical reaction as you read them—heart pounding, feeling a sense dread, or one of recognition or tension—then this is a clear indicator that defensiveness is present in your communication patterns. A couples counselor or marriage therapist can guide you through strategies to recognize, identify, and transform these exchanges. Doing so will help teach each of you to move away from defensiveness and into emotional safety and intimacy.

By contrast, let’s look at how the partner hearing the request could make a conscious choice to respond versus react:

For many people, this is not an easy transition, but outlining strategies, and discussing reactivity pitfalls with a marriage counselor leads to significant transformation. Choosing to be responsive versus reactive requires tuning in to one’s own needs, and for most people, that takes work. It also means and checking in with yourself to make sure you are emotionally grounded and intentional before responding, even when the moment is heated. It is also perfectly ok to also ask for space to process, provided that the partner hearing the request feels safe enough to ask their partner for that space, rather than weaponize a request for space as an avoidance tactic. Here are a few examples:

·      “It is really difficult for me to talk about my family’s habits. I can see that this is bothering you. Can you share more about why you are upset?” This is a response that centers affirmation of the partner’s emotional needs and also leads with curiosity.

·      “I find myself struggling not to lash out here. I know this has been a bone of contention with my family in the past and I’ve been trying to do better with them. Can we start by discussing if anything has improved about their visit this time, or do you feel that they have not changed at all?” In this response, the speaker offers vulnerability in return, admitting that they are also upset, and then asks to broaden the conversation for emotional clarity before responding.

·      “I agree with you. I saw what a mess they were making and spoke to my Dad about it. I know it is hurtful to you and I apologize for not helping out more. Do you want to talk about how to navigate their future visits or do you just want me to listen?” Here, the speaker shares details on how they were involved, apologizes, and gives an invitation for how to steer the conversation to a potential resolution.

·      A non-verbal response might include touch that indicates fully engaged presence, putting down the phone, sitting down together, a consensual embrace, or another clear nonverbal indicator that they are listening and safe, versus waiting in silence to be reactive.  

Where do we go from here?

Undoing patterns of defensiveness is not easy work. Often we are unlearning our own habits, or generational communication patterns that have become so familiar that we don’t see that there are other options. While it is often a challenge to discuss topics that are loaded with our partners, it is important to be aware that often we react defensively in an attempt to protect ourselves emotionally, to deflect from doing our own inner work, to keep a potential argument from escalating, or because we are too weary to tune in and really be intentional in the moment.

It is important to recognize that defensiveness, while seemingly a protective measure, can cause irreparable harm to intimacy, authentic engagement, and to a deepening sense of trust. Ultimately, defensiveness has the power to stunt relationship growth and evolution, and it can lead to resentment, or can end the partnership entirely.

Working with a couples counselor to truly dismantle defensive patterns and establish thoughtful and loving responses has the power to create sustained trust, vulnerability, and grounded communication, all of which lead to a depth of emotional intimacy that cannot exist in dynamics defined by defensive reaction.