Are Dating Apps Worth It?
Online Dating Advice from a Los Angeles Couples Therapist
Navigating the world of online dating can be both exciting and overwhelming. Whether you’re new to dating apps or returning after a break, understanding how to align your personal goals with modern dating can transform your experience.
In this post, we’re sharing relationship advice from a seasoned couples therapist and dating coach on clarifying your intentions, mastering dating app etiquette, and improving future connections to help you build a love that lasts.
The Key to Success: Setting Clear Intentions
It’s easy to feel pressured into using dating apps, even when they might not be serving our best interests. Maybe we sign up out of loneliness or boredom, because friends or family encourage us to, or simply because it’s hard to break the cycle of swiping, messaging, and meeting up. We might jump onto an app, not exactly sure of what we want, what we intend, or what we’re looking for.
Taking time to reflect on your intentions is an important step. And talking through your past experiences, choices, desires, and intentions with a qualified dating coach is a key way to make sure you’re on the right track.
Have you struggled with the format of dating apps in the past? Do you want to go from having a profile that is not as much about hookups as about long-term relationships or vice-versa? Do you chronically say – and maybe even believe - you are interested in a long term relationship when really you only want to hook up? Are you returning to dating after being in a long-term partnership? Do you feel overwhelmed by all of the swiping? Have you had positive dating app experiences that you hope to find again? Whatever your concerns or questions may be, being clear on your intentions will go a long way to connecting you to the energy you are hoping for.
What are my intentions for using a dating app?
This may seem like an easy question to answer:
I want to meet new people and have fun experiences
I’m looking for someone who shares my interests
I’m tired of casual dating and want to find my soul mate
But often examining the intentions behind the intentions is where we gain the most illumination.
For example, let’s consider that you have recently ended a long-term monogamous relationship. During the partnership, you found that you both had a lot of shared interests, but that you did not feel free with your sexual expression. As a result, you are now seeking out a dating app to meet people who resonate with you similarly in terms of sex and intimacy. Maybe you are looking to be more experimental, maybe you are looking for physical connection only, or maybe you are looking to have experiences outside of your comfort zone. Being able to discuss these thoughts with a couples therapist is an important way to really hone in on what you are hoping for with dating apps and why. In addition, sessions with a couples counselor might also help you find the language to create a dating profile that truly expresses your intentions, and therefore is in harmony with people who are also seeking out similar experiences.
You may also find that discussing your need to be on a dating app helps you to move through emotions that have not been helpful in the past. You may also examine unprocessed emotions in this too. For example, maybe friends have pressured you to be on a dating app but you are beginning to realize that you prefer to be solitary versus in the dating scene. In other words, perhaps you were making the decision to date to appease others instead of honoring what you needed for yourself. Alternatively, maybe you have created a profile in an attempt to move through a painful past relationship versus really being invested in yourself and in an authentic connection. Or, maybe dating has become so rote that you feel most of your connections have been superficial versus engaged. Whatever your experience has been, working through your intentions – and perhaps setting some new ones with a couples therapist – is an ideal way to begin having more inspired connections to what it is you desire for yourself and for a potential partnership.
Understanding Dating App Etiquette
Creating a profile on a dating app can be a challenge. We may know our intentions but not be certain how to express them in language. We may connect with others on the app but those connections do not lead to in-person dates. There may be instances of ghosting that have been painful and confusing. Caught up in the swiping and “numbers game” we may feel defeated, frustrated, or even angry about the time investment required for dating apps. At times, we may have been party to catfishing, to profiles that gave false information, or to a connection that overtly lied about details of their lives to seem more impressive. All of these circumstances can lead to a lot of confusion and resentment around the dating app experience. Understanding etiquette, language - and engagement with strangers we are hoping to connect with - may be far more nuanced than we anticipated. Talking through dating app experiences with a couples therapist can help immensely – it not only gives us a forum to be heard and seen within previous not-so-great dating app interactions – but it also gives us the opportunity to reroute, recalibrate, and connect with others who are more in alignment with how we move through the world.
When To Take a Break from Dating Apps
Part of being on dating apps is also clearly knowing and understanding our own boundaries with interaction and intention. When we find ourselves mindlessly scrolling out of boredom, making binary assumptions about people on dating apps, or feeling defeated by the experience, these may all be signs that it is time to take a break from the app world. However, this is highly individual, and understanding our need and intention behind not only going on dating apps – but also going off of them or taking a break from them – is an important avenue of discussion with a couples therapist. You might ask yourself: how many times have I wanted to take a break from dating apps but not been able to? How many times have I met up with someone on a dating app when I knew it was not in the best interest for me emotionally? How often have I engaged on a dating app, promising to meet up then ghosting when it came down to follow through? How often have I met people on dating apps only to ghost them because I was avoiding difficult conversations? Whatever challenging questions may arise about your behavior on dating apps, a couples therapist can help you work through some of your awareness about your choices.
When Other People’s Behavior Triggers Doubt
Often, seeing the behavior of others on dating apps can be triggering. Did your long-term partner suddenly re-engage with their profile? Did someone you felt a connection with ask you to take down your profile and yet you are not ready to do so? Did you notice that someone who claimed to take down their profile has not? How invested are you in unmatching or being unmatched? When is it time, in a monogamous partnership, to discuss dating app history? Does the person you are in love with have a secret profile? All of these are questions that bring to mind a myriad of ways in which another’s behavior on apps can impact our sense of intimacy, integrity, and trust. Talking through these issues with a couples counselor – especially if we have been “burned” in the past – can only serve to lead us into more authentic engagement and understanding of our own boundaries. Knowing what behaviors cross the line for us personally, or knowing our expectations around partners on dating apps, can help ensure that our interactions moving forward are clear and foster a sense of safety and understanding.
Navigating the world of dating apps can be complex, but it does not have to be. Knowing your thought process behind engaging with dating apps, being transparent about your intentions, and knowing clearly what your hopes are for the experience, can make all of the difference. Working with a couples counselor on your relationship with dating apps will not only lead to a deeper understanding of yourself, but will also pave the way for the partnerships, interactions, or connections you are hoping to find in your search.
Final Thoughts
Success with online dating is all about knowing yourself and being intentional in how you connect with others. Setting clear dating intentions, being mindful of dating app etiquette, and getting guidance from a trusted couples therapist can help you build deeper, more meaningful relationships.
Ready to redefine your dating journey? Explore our blog for more insights and consider scheduling a consultation to help you navigate the world of dating apps with confidence and clarity to finally get the results you’re looking for.
