How and When To Tip: Avoiding Money Arguments in Relationships
After a few exciting dates, your partner suggests ordering in. How do you navigate who pays the bill? How much should you tip your delivery person? Does your partner tip fairly or choose to forget a tip entirely? Often, these situations present a strain on couples, which inevitably leads to arguments or financial tension in the relationship.
When it comes to money we are highly influenced by our belief systems about finances and our personal and familial experiences with saving, investing, and debt. While we internalize messages about money from family members and friends, we are also impacted by our experiences with money management classes, and with corporate perceptions of wealth. When divergent viewpoints on saving and spending come into play, it can often cause friction between couples.
In the example above, perhaps the person who offers to get Grub Hub assumes they will pay because they extended the invitation. However, maybe this person also feels that the other person should be the one to tip since the offering partner is footing the majority of the bill. Perhaps the other partner feels that each person should pay in full, including the tip, and that they can switch off who covers the check depending on the date. Immediately there is a sense of conflict between this couple because they hold different belief systems. If they are not able to communicate effectively and come to an understanding about how they view paying and tipping, this could lead to long-term resentment in the relationship, and could even spill over into other areas of connection including intimacy, trust, and communication. This is where financial couples counseling can come into play. By talking to a therapist who specializes in financial counseling, many couples can avoid developing long-term patterns that lead to conflict or resentment in money management.
Examining tipping practices is a great way to get a read on how you and your partner respond to various scenarios within the service industry. However, it also offers illumination into differing belief systems about money and finances. Here are a few questions to ask one another to develop a further understanding of perceptions about money, tipping, and service. If, in the discussion, you and your partner notice a pattern of tension around how and when to tip, it might be a cue that there is a deeper issue in terms of how you reconcile spending, saving, and debt. It may also reveal fears about money. If any of these scenarios cause a significant amount of tension, seeking out a therapist who specializes in financial counseling can be a saving grace within your relationship:
You and your partner just splurged on a once-in-a-lifetime meal. While the food was excellent, the kitchen was backed up and the server was often running behind because there were not enough staff to handle all of the reservations. While your server was transparent about the snags in the evening, your partner feels that such a costly meal was not deserving of a tip, or at the very least, should be the bare minimum. Recently finances have been tight, and your partner sees this as a way to “save” on the overall cost of the meal. You argue that the server was kind in the midst of exceptional circumstances and that the food was fantastic. You feel that the server should be tipped the full 20%, if not more. How do you negotiate this scenario?
You are with a large party at a restaurant where the tip is already factored into the bill. However, the server that worked with your table was incredibly funny and extremely accommodating with special requests, seeing to it that everyone had an evening beyond compare. You partner feels the server deserves an additional tip because of this, while you argue that the tip is already factored into the bill. What does this say about each of you in terms of how you perceive money, service, and traditional rules of tipping?
While grabbing your weekly coffee at your local coffee shop, you always make sure to put cash in the tip jar. You also tip in bills because you know more goes back to the baristas than if a tip is added to a credit card. Your partner, however, refuses to tip because they consider it unnecessary—after all, they say, you are grabbing a coffee to go versus having a sit-down meal. How do your experiences and belief systems come into play in how you each approach this scenario? Does your partner’s lack of tipping impact how you see them? Why or why not?
How do you and your partner handle tips during the holidays? Who do you tip and why? Do you tip your postal service worker who delivers your mail daily? Sanitation workers? Why or why not? What about those that provide consistent service throughout the year? For example, do you give your stylist the expected tip plus an envelope with a cash tip for the holidays? Or do you double your tip percentage instead? Do you not give a holiday tip at all?
When you order Postmates, GrubHub, DoorDash, or Uber Eats, do you tip the full suggested percentage for the entire bill including the service fee? Or do you tip the 20% based on the food order alone? What if the service was poor? Do you deduct this from the tip percentage? Why or why not?
Your dishwasher goes out the night before a huge dinner party you and your partner have been planning for months. A repairperson comes by after hours, solves the problem, and saves you all a substantial amount of stress. Your partner is so impressed and relieved that he offers the repairperson a cash tip. You argue that this is unnecessary for service technicians. Your partner grows increasingly frustrated citing how much the repair tech went beyond the call of duty. Coupled with the stress of the impending event, this leads to an argument that causes you to see your partner as too generous with spending. They, on the other hand, consider you ungrateful. How does this impact the way you communicate with each other? Approach other financial scenarios?
Your partner hires a cleaning service because you both have been too taxed with your jobs to keep up with housework. While you are grateful for the extra help, you are resentful of having to pay someone to clean because there is not time for you to take care of your own space. You were raised to believe that it was a point of pride to clean your home, and you begin to resent your partner for spending money on this when you would rather be saving for the vacation you all have been wanting to take. Your partner is willing to make the financial sacrifice because not having a clean space increases their anxiety. When you both have to travel for work you are relieved because you can cancel the weekly cleaning service appointment since neither of you will be home. Your partner argues that the cleaning person is relying on both of you for scheduled income and that it would be unfair to cancel. Despite trying to talk the issue through, each of you remains firm in your opinion, leading to more conflict about how you each manage money.
You and your partner meet up with friends at a bar for a few drinks. When you arrive, you are shocked to find that the drink prices are far more than you expected. You and your partner quietly agree to have two drinks each and call it a night even if the party continues. While your partner holds to their promise, when the check comes, they tip double the expected 20% without letting you know they are doing so. You argue that you should have discussed this first, while your partner admonishes you for being too money-conscious and not being able to loosen the reigns a bit. This leads to each of you resenting the other--you because you were not consulted, and your partner because they wanted to tip generously.
While initially tipping may not seem like something we focus much on, examining our tipping practices offers great insight into how we treat others, see ourselves, and see our partners too. Tipping is also a litmus test for how we approach our understanding of money, spending, saving, and debt. By looking carefully at tipping practices, and by working with a couple’s financial therapist, partnerships that may have become strained due to finances can be rerouted, leading to greater intimacy, understanding, communication, and more transparent financial practices.
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At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for anyone experiencing relationship issues, not just couples. In addition to helping you and your partner talk about money in positive ways in couples therapy, I offer dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. Additionally, I help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. Check out my blog for more articles!
