How Do Conversational Attentiveness and Engagement Impact Intimacy?
One of the dynamics we take for granted in long-term relationships are the ways in which body language conveys our attentiveness and engagement. In fact, certain patterns become so ingrained or such a habit that often we forget to step back and truly look at how our conscious and unconscious physical interaction—or lack of—play a role in how safe and regulated we feel in our partner’s presence. Working with a couples counselor to understand how body language and gestured response affects and your relationship often provides great illumination into how couples are experiencing either a state of deepening intimacy or a state of disengagement. Even online couples therapy can be extremely helpful in teasing apart what cues may or may not be influencing how we experience our partner.
When we are sharing in vulnerability, or speaking from a place of tenderness, we are putting ourselves in a state of risk. If we are not met with reciprocal energy and attentiveness, often this can lead to deeper wounds, disassociation, or a break in the connection. Over time, this can lead to resentment, withholding, or other choices that keep intimacy from occurring between you and your partner. It is important to keep in mind that vulnerability can come in many forms. While on one hand it may come from a place of revealing sadness, anger, or confusion, it can also be when one partner is sharing joy and enthusiasm too.
Because body language can be subtle, we may not even be aware of how we send conflicting messages within our gestures and responses. Take a look at these examples and see if any of them resonate with your experience:
One partner excitedly shares news about a work promotion, and halfway through the conversation the other partner starts scrolling on their phone or takes a call.
You decide to finally share details about a difficult conversation you’ve had with your mom. In the midst of sharing, your partner gets up from the conversation to start making dinner.
In the middle of recounting a heated conversation with the insurance company, your partner looks off, moves away from you, or seems distracted. When you gently ask for them to engage, they get exasperated or angry.
You and your partner are curled up together when one of you starts to share about a vacation idea you had. The other partner starts to doze off or shifts positions, moving away from the cuddle.
While reading angry texts from your sibling, you start to share the scenario with your partner. Your partner interrupts the conversation, cuts you off as you are speaking, pokes fun at your sibling, changes the subject, mentions how their siblings are far worse (offering comparison instead of listening), or seems generally frustrated.
All of these examples have one core component: the person sharing within them does not feel seen, heard or affirmed in their emotional experience. Sometimes, this can be rectified by revisiting the moment later. For example: “It was hard for me to share that conversation I had about my mom, and when you started making dinner while I was sharing it caused me to feel hurt.” If the other person is willing to acknowledge how their actions impacted the share, often repair can happen at this point. However, if the person sharing is met with defensiveness, accusations, or excuses, that can only serve to further deepen the wound. What might this look like? If the person responding says, “I was listening but it was getting late and I knew I needed to start dinner,” rather than a sincere (not passive aggressive) “I am so sorry. I did not realize that my preparing dinner while we were talking affected you like that. Let’s talk through that now so we don’t let that happen for us again.” When charged emotions run high, often it can be very difficult for each partner to realize the impact of their actions and responses. This is where a couples therapist can be instrumental in breaking detrimental patterns before they gain traction. Because our responses may be unconscious, or may be a habit, a couples counselor will be able to offer insight into the conversational dynamic. Maybe one partner does not realize their tendency to interrupt for example. Maybe one of you listens with your head resting on your hand, which suggests boredom or disinterest to your partner. Maybe one partner likes to touch while talking, while the other prefers some physical distance.
It is also important to note that true engagement and attentiveness are often born out of consideration for one another. Part of this involves being aware of the other partner and checking in with one another prior to sharing. While this may not always be able to happen given the circumstances, when emotional vulnerability is on the line it is important to know that your partner can offer the support you are seeking. A couples counselor often will have great strategies and ideas for how to implement these invitational practices so that they not only become routine, and but continue to deepen trust within the partnership. What might a specific and conscious check in look like?
“Hey babe, I know you had a long day at work and are really tired. I have some really exciting news I would love to share with you. Do you have space for that conversation?”
“A lot happened with the new preschool teacher today and I am really confused as to how to address the issue. I would love your feedback but I also want to be sure you have space for that conversation right now.”
“I know my parents have been exceptionally challenging lately, but I had something else happen with them that has me rattled. I would love to verbally process that aloud with you—do you prefer we talk at dinner or after the kids are in bed?”
“I have some thoughts about what we initially planned for the weekend. I really want to talk through it but I also want to pick a time that works for you.”
Conversational presence that is defined by attentiveness and engagement leads to deepening of trust, nervous system regulation, and a sense of safety and connection with your partner. By working to establish healthy patterns of attentiveness—or reroute detrimental patterns of engagement—couples will be able to find greater unity and depth within their intimacy. Working with a couples therapist to understand both overt tendencies and the nuances of your responses within conversation is an important step in continuing to foster closeness and trust.
Start Establishing Healthy Patterns of Attentiveness By Working With A Los Angeles Couples Therapist!
Feeling disconnected in your relationship? Take the first step towards reigniting intimacy and improving attentiveness by seeking couples therapy. Together at Therapy for Adults, let's explore effective communication strategies and cultivate deeper emotional bonds, guiding you toward a more fulfilling and connected partnership. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
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Other Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles
At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for anyone experiencing relationship issues, not just couples. In addition to helping you and your partner address attentiveness and intimacy in your relationship with couples therapy, I offer dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. Additionally, I help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. Check out my blog for more articles!
About the Author
Therapy for Adults is a boutique counseling practice specializing in nurturing healthy relationships. Led by Steven, a Licensed Therapist, who has over a decade of experience, our practice offers tailored therapy sessions for individuals and couples. Using an eclectic and evidence-based approach, we empower our clients to deepen emotional intimacy, resolve conflicts, and cultivate lasting connection, and fulfilling relationships.
