How Does Being The Default Parent Impact My Marriage? Tips To Consider From a Los Angeles Couples Therapist
In every partnership, a dynamic emerges where one partner naturally takes on more of the parenting responsibilities. This can be due to work schedules, gendered expectations, agreements within the partnership, societal conditioning, or a mix of these and other factors. Being the “default parent” – one who instinctively steps up to handle the needs of the children and domestic management – requires a great deal to balance, and can often lead to tension, communication disruption, and a fracturing of emotional intimacy in partnerships. It is crucial for both partners in a marriage to not only understand the decision fatigue, mental load, and emotional labor of the default parent, but also to learn practices and skills to better support one another in partnership. Working with a couples therapist is imperative to developing healthy patterns that allow couples to support one another in parenthood, and to exercise compassion for one another in raising children. Even more complex, at times, due to work or other shifts in family life, the default parent can change from one partner to the other. This is also an important area to examine and discuss with a marriage counselor to ensure both partners feel supported in the process.
What is a default parent?
The default parent is typically the one who is more attuned to both the daily needs of the children and the running of the household. They are the one that not only knows the highly specific preferences of their children—the toddler will eat avocado, but not guacamole; the teenager needs to put band practice on the family calendar to help with organization—they may also be the parent that the child or children feels most at ease to decompress with. For the default parent, there is both the management of daily life/practical considerations as well as the emotional navigation of the child’s wants and needs.
What are some areas that the default parent navigates? How is the other parent showing up or not showing up in support? Are there areas where both partners are on the same page, or is there a sense of imbalance between the two of you?
Take a moment to consider how each of these areas below comes into play both within your marriage and within your individual relationship with your child. These jumping-off points serve as an invitation to conversation, not only for the default parent to be consciously aware of what they may undertake on a daily basis, but also to discuss with their partner. Working with a couples counselor to better understand how being the default parent—or in support of the default parent—is an excellent way to ensure that your communication, intimacy, and sense of partnership stay in balance with one another.
Here are just a few common areas the default parent navigates:
Scheduling after-school activities, lessons, therapy, practices, tutoring, playdates, overnights
Driving children to and from activities on weekdays and weekends
Level of involvement with grandparents and family, especially coordinating children’s events with family schedules and celebrations
Rituals and holidays including shopping, decorating, hosting, and preparation
Planning for summer camps
Nap and feeding schedules
Signing permission slips and planning class projects
Food preferences, allergies, menu rotation, and dining out
Illness protocols, preferences; how to support healing of certain illnesses; medications, long-term infections, steps to informing school of child’s absence
Parent-teacher conferences and school events like art shows, field day, parent-volunteer commitments
Medical appointments for specialists and general practitioners
Teaching cleaning and practical life skills—budgeting, cooking, gardening—to children
Continuing educational opportunities through family excursions: museums, hikes, day trips, vacations, information sessions, library time, second language acquisition
Knowing when and where to shop for children’s clothes, school supplies, birthdays, party gifts, art supplies, sporting goods, etc. While this may initially seem obvious, considering that certain sizes might not be available at certain locations, that sales are better at one place than another, that driving time and waiting in line may not be an option, are all areas to consider.
Knowing when to schedule house maintenance and who to contact for work on gutters, plumbing, repairs, electrical, etc.
Car maintenance, including car seat installation, traveling with car seats, etc.
Bill paying and financial planning for the family; teaching children fiscal responsibility
Laundry and general appliance management
HOA obligations, meetings, and bylaws
Church and spiritual growth
Stunningly, these are only a few areas that the default parent may need to navigate. How many of them, in discussion, brought up a source of tension? For example, does the default parent feel overwhelmed by the preparation and shopping needed for class parties at school? Does the non-default parent know where the soccer fields are, what to bring to the field, where to sign in and park, what the team snack schedule is, which cleats to bring, which uniforms need to be washed and ready for game day? Undoubtedly, looking at some of these areas in a highly specific way brings up points of discussion between partners. Taking a closer look at the stresses (and joys) of default parenting, and of being there for one another, is important to share with a couples counselor. In this way, each parent has a greater awareness of one another’s responsibilities and also a clearer picture of how to support one another. When the default parent begins to withdraw, shut down, or actively not connect due to overwhelm, this can be extremely challenging to a marriage. Talking through this with a couples therapist is an essential way to avoid this tendency, or to discuss how to repair and reroute if this behavior is already a hallmark within your relationship.
As a default parent, what role does being a child’s emotional support play? When overwhelmed by sensory stimulus, a long day at school, tension among friends, health challenges, etc., often a child seeks out a parent as a safe space. In being the supporting parent for a child who is struggling with anger, frustration, sadness, confusion, or developmental milestones, often the default parent is taking on a great deal of emotion in supporting a child or children. Being able to be compassionate and patient in this process can be a challenge to any parent, but to a default parent that is also feeling overwhelmed by some of the areas mentioned above, it can be a tall order. Consider too that the default parent is also navigating their own social conditioning, current state of mind, fatigue level, emotional strain, basic needs, and work schedule in the midst of this. Part of feeling supported as the default parent requires not only effectively communicating these needs to your partner—but feeling supported within them. This is another area where a couples therapist can provide helpful illumination: is the default parent able to identify and communicate their needs? Are they able to trust the other parent to help relieve some of their responsibility? Why or why not? Is there an understanding within the partnership that allows both partners to feel this is a team effort, or does one partner feel helpless or out of balance?
Being a default parent can present a number of challenges. However, understanding the responsibilities of the default parent—logistically, emotionally, and mentally—is a crucial way to nurture intimacy and balance in a parenting relationship. When the default parent feels seen and supported, they will naturally feel more at ease and able to connect. When the other partner knows how to support, feels their needs have also been voiced, and feels supported in the process, they too will feel more in balance and connected. Working with a couples therapist to untangle the nuances of parenting—and default parenting—is an important step to safeguarding the harmony and intimacy within your partnership. And, in doing so, children experience parents who are more connected, willing to help one another, and able to support each other through life tensions and transitions, leading to a happier family life for everyone.
