Is People-Pleasing Harming My Marriage? A Los Angeles Couples Therapist Shares Five Potential People-Pleasing Phrases to Look Out For

True relationship harmony hinges on authenticity and depth of connection. However, for many partnerships, a chronic pattern of people-pleasing can lead to the erosion of intimacy and honesty. Trying to determine if certain behaviors are people-pleasing—and what drives those behaviors—can be a complex task. However, working with a couples counselor to identify where and how people-pleasing presents in a relationship is crucial to maintaining open communication, emotional connection, and safety within a partnership.

What causes people-pleasing?

At its core, people-pleasing stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection or conflict. Often the need for external validation overrides one person’s own needs and desires, creating a pattern of self-abandonment in the pursuit of acceptance or safety. To make matters even more challenging, a people-pleaser may initially seem selfless and kind, only to be silently breeding resentment under the surface. Ultimately this leads to an environment that feeds emotional disconnection, resentment, and grief.  Even more insidious is that when one partner continually suppresses their true thoughts, feelings, and desires to avoid upsetting the other, they sacrifice their individuality for the sake of perceived harmony. Over time, that very suppression can lead to a profound sense of disillusionment, causing both partners to struggle with discerning where their true selves end and the facade begins. This is why working with a couples therapist or marriage counselor is imperative, especially if people-pleasing has been a part of the relationship’s foundation or has established itself during the life of the relationship.

Why do we choose to people please?

Often we don’t. We may be subconsciously repeating generational patterns or gender roles. We may be unaware of times we have felt unsafe and suppressed our own thoughts and emotions for the sake of keeping the peace. We may have been conditioned as children, or through spiritual teachings, to put others first at the expense of ourselves. Untangling the knot of people-pleasing often requires intentional work, self-awareness, journaling, and compassionate feedback, something that a couples counselor can provide as couples work through detrimental patterns of people-pleasing. 

Is there a way to know if I am people-pleasing? How does it feel in my body?

Absolutely. Part of understanding when people-pleasing takes the helm is being very aware of how you are feeling in your body. Often, when we people please, various sensations will come up. At times they can be glaring, while in other instances they can be more nuanced. Additionally, being able to recognize them in the moment—especially during a heated discussion—can get terribly tricky. This is why working with a couples therapist is imperative to understanding how to re-route our patterns of people-pleasing. While a few of the examples below may give you an idea, remember that each person responds in myriad of unique ways. Take note of how many of these examples you might relate to. Consider writing down additional experiences that you notice:

1. A feeling of exasperation, a sense of just wanting things “to be done.” Deep sighing, eye rolling, and teeth gritting are also hallmarks.

2. Feeling nauseous, starting to sweat, noting a spike in anxiety, feeling shaky or faint. All of these are signs of a dysregulated nervous system, and it is one way your body alerts you to the fact that you are suppressing what you need to say or express.

3. Feeling meek or wanting to be invisible. Often the people-pleaser, in an attempt to avoid conflict, will want to feel less seen and heard even as they are deeply desiring to be heard. This can lead to self-gaslighting, causing the person doing the people-pleasing to become confused about what they are actually feeling, only leading to a deeper sense of stress because they are unsure of how to reconcile their true needs.

4. A feeling of desperation or panic. Often a people-pleaser sees an escalation of conflict or stress and will sacrifice their own thoughts or well-being in an attempt to keep the peace.

5. Dissociation. Chronic people pleasers often say they feel disconnected from their bodies, or that they feel a sense of numbness. This occurs in part because they have been so chronically adapted to people-pleasing that they no longer have practiced channels of true self-expression.

6. Tempermental outbursts or crying only when alone. Often a people pleaser reaches a boiling point with others, but because they cannot express their anger safely, or have been conditioned not to, the only place they do feel comfortable with expressing anger or sadness is when they are alone. In this way, they no longer have to be concerned about how others might respond to their emotional authenticity.  

7. A burst of energy or a sense of feeling scrambled and wanting to “right the ship.” Often those who use humor as a people-pleasing tactic will relate to this sensation. While laughter can be seen as a way to diffuse tension, ultimately it is important to note if the humor is genuine, or if it is the people-pleaser’s attempt to deflect or make light of the conversation.

While these are only a few examples, all of them go back to one key revelation: being in people-pleasing mode can cause harm to the body—and the people-pleaser—a fact which only contributes to disconnection not only within the self, but within the marriage, and ultimately the long-term authenticity of the partnership. 

What are some common phrases associated with people-pleasing?

While each of the phrases listed below can be a potential indicator that you or your partner is choosing people-pleasing over authentic self-expression, these are only a few examples. Additionally, some of these phrases aren’t necessarily a definite identifier of people-pleasing on their own, however, when they are spoken in conflict, be sure to look at the intention behind them. This is why working with a marriage therapist is important in order to understand the ways that people-pleasing presents itself in verbal responses. This can also often be highly specific from couple to couple.  And, knowing and identifying your key phrases is an important step to keep people-pleasing behaviors at bay for yourself and your partner. Here are few to watch for:

1. Nevermind/It doesn’t matter 

Here the people pleaser is trying to convince themselves, and their partner, that their take—or the discussion—is not important. This is often a way to self-gaslight and dismiss a conversation as being irrelevant, when in fact the opposite can be true.

1. Whatever you want/I don’t care

In this case, the people-pleaser is overtly denying their own opinions to defer to the other person, potentially to keep conflict at bay. 

1. No, no, you are right. I am sorry I even brought it up. Let’s go back to where we were and not fight about it.

Here, the people-pleaser is attempting to use a pseudo-apology as a way to backpedal from the conflict and keep the peace. This is especially crucial to watch out for as the people-pleaser is not only denying their own thoughts and feelings on the matter, but they are also potentially apologizing for their own emotional experience. 

1. I’m good

When in fact, the person speaking is far from good. This is a way to appear causal and detached, when often exactly the opposite is true. It is also a way to convince the people-pleaser, and their partner, that they are okay when really they might be seething, sad, or trying to keep themselves regulated. 

1. You are so good at these things/You always know what to do.

This one may come as a bit of a surprise, however, it is the people-pleaser’s attempt to use compliments as a way to diffuse the tension. Note the binary language also: “you always” or “you never” paints too broad of a picture, not allowing for depth, nuance, or exploration in the conversation. By deferring to their partner, and attempting to better the situation through “seeing the positive,” the people-pleaser takes the onus of the discussion from themselves—and denies their needs—to appease their partner. 

As you can see, people-pleasing can be insidious and detrimental, often requiring great care and awareness to understand its presence and patterns. While self-work, journaling, and being aware within the body are important steps in disengaging from people-pleasing, working with a couples therapist is essential to identifying how it presents in your partnership and how you can begin to untangle it from your communication. When both partners feel safe enough to be seen and heard in presence and intimacy, connection and emotional depth are the result. But only in working through the complexity of people-pleasing is it possible to understand how it is keeping your marriage from authenticity, harmony, and a deeper sense of unity.