Is People-Pleasing Harming My Marriage? A Los Angeles Couples Therapist Shares Five Potential People-Pleasing Phrases to Look Out For
True relationship harmony hinges on authenticity and depth of connection. However, for many partnerships, a chronic pattern of people-pleasing can lead to the erosion of intimacy and honesty. Trying to determine if certain behaviors are people-pleasing—and what drives those behaviors—can be a complex task. However, with Marriage Counseling and Couples Therapy in Los Angeles, CA identifying where and how people-pleasing presents in a relationship is crucial to maintaining open communication, emotional connection, and safety within a partnership.
What Causes People-Pleasing?
At its core, people-pleasing stems from a deep-seated fear of rejection or conflict. Often the need for external validation overrides one person’s own needs and desires, creating a pattern of self-abandonment in the pursuit of acceptance or safety. To make matters even more challenging, a people-pleaser may initially seem selfless and kind, only to be silently breeding resentment under the surface.
Ultimately this leads to an environment that feeds emotional disconnection, resentment, and grief. Even more insidious is that when one partner continually suppresses their true thoughts, feelings, and desires to avoid upsetting the other, they sacrifice their individuality for the sake of perceived harmony. Over time, that very suppression can lead to a profound sense of disillusionment, causing both partners to struggle with discerning where their true selves end and the facade begins. This is why working with a couples therapist or marriage counselor is imperative, especially if people-pleasing has been a part of the relationship’s foundation or has established itself during the life of the relationship.
Why do we choose to people-please?
Often we don’t. We may be subconsciously repeating generational patterns or gender roles. We may be unaware of times we have felt unsafe and suppressed our own thoughts and emotions for the sake of keeping the peace. We may have been conditioned as children, or through spiritual teachings, to put others first at the expense of ourselves. Untangling the knot of people-pleasing often requires intentional work, self-awareness, journaling, and compassionate feedback, something that a Los Angeles couples therapist at Therapy for Adults can provide as couples work through detrimental patterns of people-pleasing.
Is There a Way to Know if I am People-Pleasing? How Does it Feel in My Body?
Recognizing when people-pleasing patterns emerge requires developing keen awareness of your physical and emotional responses. Your body often signals these moments through various sensations that can range from obvious to subtle. Catching these cues during tense conversations or conflicts presents a significant challenge, which is where learning about therapy for adults becomes invaluable. Working with a qualified therapist helps you identify and redirect these ingrained people-pleasing behaviors effectively.
The physical and emotional indicators vary dramatically from person to person, so the examples that follow serve as starting points rather than definitive markers. As you review these common responses, pay attention to which ones resonate with your experience. Keep a journal of any additional patterns or sensations you discover in your own interactions, as this self-awareness forms the foundation for meaningful change in how you navigate relationships and assert your authentic needs.
A feeling of exasperation, a sense of just wanting things “to be done.” Deep sighing, eye-rolling, and teeth-gritting are also hallmarks.
Feeling nauseous, starting to sweat, noting a spike in anxiety, and feeling shaky or faint. All of these are signs of a dysregulated nervous system, and it is one way your body alerts you to the fact that you are suppressing what you need to say or express.
Feeling meek or wanting to be invisible. Often the people-pleaser, in an attempt to avoid conflict, will want to feel less seen and heard even as they are deeply desiring to be heard. This can lead to self-gaslighting, causing the person doing the people-pleasing to become confused about what they are actually feeling, only leading to a deeper sense of stress because they are unsure of how to reconcile their true needs.
A feeling of desperation or panic. Often a people-pleaser sees an escalation of conflict or stress and will sacrifice their own thoughts or well-being in an attempt to keep the peace.
Dissociation. Chronic people pleasers often say they feel disconnected from their bodies or that they feel a sense of numbness. This occurs in part because they have been so chronically adapted to people-pleasing that they no longer have practiced channels of true self-expression.
Temperamental outbursts or crying only when alone. Often a people pleaser reaches a boiling point with others, but because they cannot express their anger safely or have been conditioned not to, the only place they do feel comfortable with expressing anger or sadness is when they are alone. In this way, they no longer have to be concerned about how others might respond to their emotional authenticity.
A burst of energy or a sense of feeling scrambled and wanting to “right the ship.” Often those who use humor as a people-pleasing tactic will relate to this sensation. While laughter can be seen as a way to diffuse tension, ultimately it is important to note if the humor is genuine or if it is the people-pleaser’s attempt to deflect or make light of the conversation.
While these are only a few examples, all of them go back to one key revelation: being in people-pleasing mode can cause harm to the body—and the people-pleaser—a fact that only contributes to disconnection not only within the self, but within the marriage, and ultimately the long-term authenticity of the partnership.
What Are Some Common Phrases Associated With People-Pleasing?
The phrases below can signal people-pleasing, but they're just a few examples. Some might not be definitive on their own, but if they arise during conflict, pay close attention to the underlying intention. This is why a marriage therapist is invaluable: they'll help you understand how people-pleasing manifests verbally, often uniquely for each couple. Identifying your key phrases is a crucial step in diffusing tension in couples communication and keeping people-pleasing behaviors at bay for both you and your partner. Here are some to watch for:
Nevermind/It doesn’t matter.
Here the people pleaser is trying to convince themselves, and their partner, that their take—or the discussion—is not important. This is often a way to self-gaslight and dismiss a conversation as being irrelevant, when in fact the opposite can be true.
Whatever you want. I don’t care
In this case, the people-pleaser is overtly denying their own opinions to defer to the other person, potentially to keep conflict at bay.
No, no, you are right. I am sorry I even brought it up. Let’s go back to where we were and not fight about it.
Here, the people-pleaser is attempting to use a pseudo-apology as a way to backpedal from the conflict and keep the peace. This is especially crucial to watch out for as the people-pleaser is not only denying their own thoughts and feelings on the matter, but they are also potentially apologizing for their own emotional experience.
I’m good
When in fact, the person speaking is far from good. This is a way to appear causal and detached when often exactly the opposite is true. It is also a way to convince the people-pleaser, and their partner, that they are okay when really they might be seething, sad, or trying to keep themselves regulated.
You are so good at these things/You always know what to do.
This one may come as a bit of a surprise, however, it is the people-pleaser’s attempt to use compliments as a way to diffuse the tension. Note the binary language also: “you always” or “you never” paints too broad of a picture, not allowing for depth, nuance, or exploration in the conversation. By deferring to their partner, and attempting to better the situation through “seeing the positive,” the people-pleaser takes the onus of the discussion from themselves—and denies their needs—to appease their partner.
As you can see, people-pleasing can be insidious and detrimental, often requiring great care and awareness to understand its presence and patterns. While self-work, journaling, and being aware within the body are important steps in disengaging from people-pleasing, working with a couples therapist is essential to identifying how it presents in your partnership and how you can begin to untangle it from your communication. When both partners feel safe enough to be seen and heard in presence and intimacy, connection and emotional depth are the result. But only in working through the complexity of people-pleasing is it possible to understand how it is keeping your marriage from authenticity, harmony, and a deeper sense of unity.
Deepen Your Connection With Couples Therapy in Los Angeles, CA
If you and your partner are ready to break free from people-pleasing habits and build a stronger, more authentic relationship, now is the time to take action. Start couples therapy in Los Angeles, CA, to empower yourselves with the tools and insights needed to communicate openly and set healthy boundaries. Together, at Therapy for Adults, we can create a more fulfilling and resilient partnership. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact me today for a free consultation to see if couples therapy is right for you
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Other Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles
At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for anyone experiencing relationship issues, not just couples. In addition to helping you work on overcoming your people-pleasing tendencies in couples therapy, I also offer dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. Additionally, I help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. Check out my blog for more articles!
