Weaponized Incompetence in Marriage and How Marriage Counseling in Los Angeles, CA Can Help
Weaponized incompetence is the deliberate act of feigning ignorance or incapability as a long-term behavior pattern. It is often highly influenced by societal conditioning, normalizing of outdated roles within a partnership, or intentional lack of self-awareness. At times, weaponized incompetence can even be a subconscious behavior, so being able to identify when and where it happens—and how to reroute patterns of it—is crucial to harmony within a partnership. Working with a couples therapist is an essential step in being able to pinpoint where weaponized incompetence has had a negative impact on intimacy.
Often, patterns are so deeply ingrained that a couple may not be able to tease out how weaponized incompetence is having a detrimental effect on their connection. A couples therapist in marriage counseling is able to help both partners recognize that by portraying oneself as inept or clueless, spouses may be seeking to evade or avoid obligations, shift the burden of responsibility onto their partner, or even assert dominance by rendering the other person dependent on their perceived competence. Such behavioral choices lead to resentment, disconnection, and discord, but the good news is that talking them through with a couples therapist is one way to ensure detrimental patterns do not develop, or continue.
What Does Weaponized Incompetence Look Like?
Scenario: you and your partner are planning a grocery run. As they are rushing around looking for their keys, instead of contributing to leaving the house by grabbing the reusable grocery bags, you choose one or more of the following acts of weaponized incompetence:
Disassociate by tuning out on your phone. You justify this choice to yourself by thinking, “Hey, my partner knows better about where things are. And, I can just chill until they tell me they are ready to go.” The assumption here is that there is no need to engage or contribute on your part, which only increases the labor for your partner.
Engage by asking your partner where the reusable bags are. Even though with some forethought you could check to see if the bags were put back into the trunk after the last trip. Additionally, since the reusable bags are stored in the same location if they are not in the car, asking your partner rather than checking on your own creates additional mental labor. This behavior establishes a pattern whereby one chooses to appear as if he or she is engaged—“Well, I asked you where the bags were,” — as a means of appearing engaged without genuinely seeking to be helpful.
Your partner asks you to help out by grabbing the bags in an attempt to engage you in getting ready to leave the house. You might respond with exasperation, putting an undue burden on your partner because now they have to navigate your emotional state rather than just counting on you for help. Or, instead of checking for where the bags may be on your own, you may add to your partner’s mental load by asking where the bags are. From the outside, this may seem to indicate a level of engagement, but rather than completing the task of simply seeking out the bags, your ask also contributes to your partner’s decision fatigue—are you sure your partner even knows where the bags are?—and creates a scenario that could easily lead to argument because you avoided the responsibility of tracking down the bags on your own, especially when your partner asked for help.
You engage by grabbing a few bags of your own initiative. However, in doing so, you realize only two bags are in the pantry but don’t feel like searching for the remainder. Rather than check to see if there are others in the pantry or in the car, you only grab the two, thinking it will be fine, even though you know it is a big grocery run. You justify the choice by telling yourself you can just pack everything in the bags you have—so what? Even though you have technically “helped,” you have not exercised thorough forethought which could lead to more stress down the road with trying to fit all of the groceries in the two bags. This also reinforces to your partner that you have actively chosen to not complete a task correctly, thereby potentially setting up a future pattern of incompetence that could escalate to your partner not asking for your help at all. Sure, this may allow you to avoid the labor—"well, I never get it right anyway, so I will let my partner just do it”—but it also fractures your partner’s sense of trust in your ability to follow through in a helpful way.
You engage by grabbing what is quickest—the alternate bags that are not as easy to carry—because you do not feel like hunting down the bags that you both prefer. While this may seem like engagement, it is an active way to demonstrate incompetence, ignorance—perhaps even belligerence—and is behavior that enforces future avoidance of responsibility due to the apparent inability to get the task correct.
In each of these cases, the person not helping out is using weaponized incompetence to avoid labor. If any of these actions are repeated enough, the other partner may stop expecting the first partner to help because they know that the task will either 1) not occur to their partner to complete (“they will forget so I will just do it myself’”) or 2) they will become so frustrated by a task done inadequately that they will assume the burden in an attempt to keep themselves from stress. Every scenario leads to an uneven distribution of mental load, and it fractures a sense of safety and dependability within the partnership.
Is this one instance—regarding grocery bags no less—going to make or break a partnership? Of course not. Is it much ado about nothing? Absolutely not. A scenario like this sets the stage for tension to build, for patterns to become reinforced, and for the labor of the relationship to become skewed. This is precisely where working with a Los Angeles couples therapist can provide illumination on how an action that seems so easy to dismiss from the outside can actually be contributing to the demise of true intimacy and connection.
Weaponized Incompetence is No Joke
To complicate matters, weaponized incompetence is insidious—and is often dismissed as a joke or celebrated as a trope, especially within sitcoms or movies—Mr. Mom, Three Men, and a Baby, or the cliché of the bumbling partner that can never seem to get it right—as a source of humor. Because of this, learned helplessness is seen as something to poke fun at versus something to be taken seriously. Understanding how familial roles, societal takes, and generational conditioning regarding how partners contribute to marriage is also part of examining the effects of weaponized incompetence. This is another area where marriage counseling in Los Angeles can have a significant impact.
Often, discussions surrounding weaponized incompetence can get very tense and heated, in part because self-awareness—and the role one plays in perpetuating weaponized incompetence—takes work and practice to recognize at the moment. Additionally, because it can be such a challenge to identify, emotions often run high. One partner may say, “I don’t see why me not knowing how to load the dishwasher right is such a big deal.” But often the argument is not around the dishwasher at all, but is rather a symptom of a larger issue: both partners not feeling seen, heard, or like they each have one another’s back.
How Does Weaponized Incompetence Appear in Your Relationship?
Take a look at a few questions below that may be connected to how weaponized incompetence presents itself in your relationship. Reflect too on how many you may have experienced, perpetuated, or seen as normalized in your own childhood. Notice what reactions come up in your body. Do you feel defensive? Does your heart start to race? Is this something you have spoken about to no avail? Is this a pattern you recognize with yourself or your spouse? Taking a look at these, and considering your response to them, is also an invitation to seek couples therapy or marriage counseling at Therapy for Adults as a way to ensure you keep weaponized incompetence at bay in your marriage:
When your spouse travels for work, do they need to leave you a list or are you able to perform tasks for the week independently? Why or why not?
What are the birthdates of your parents? Your spouse’s parents? How do you contribute to their birthday celebrations? When was the last time you bought a gift for a family member?
Can you name your children’s pediatrician? Is their number on your phone? What days are easiest to get an appointment at their office and why?
What is one household task you actively avoid? Why? Have you and your spouse discussed this? What is one area of cleaning that you feel you “never get right?” Is this an active choice on your part?
Who changes the oil in the cars? Where do you go for this and why?
What tasks did you witness your father actively avoid around the house? Your mother? Have you ever discussed this with them? With your spouse?
You are packing for a vacation. Name five must-have things that your children will need for the trip.
Who is your dog sitter or where do you board your pets? Do you know what you would need to coordinate with them before leaving town?
What size shoe does your toddler wear? Where do you shop for their shoes?
What is your spouse’s favorite breakfast? Coffee? Favorite place to eat out for breakfast?
Who is responsible for maintaining the outdoor grill? How is that done?
Regarding your parents, fill in the blank for something you heard on repeat as a child: “Well you know your father. He always has to____.” “When your mother needs help around the house she________.”
Think about the last time you cleaned the house. Was there anything you could have done differently or better? Did your spouse help you? Why or why not?
How do you support your spouse when they need a break?
What small daily task has led to a huge argument with your spouse? Why is this the case?
What additional ways have weaponized incompetence shown up in your daily routines?
Marriage Counseling Can Help You Recognize the Signs of Weaponized Incompetence
Weaponized incompetence has the potential to corrode the foundation of a marriage; it undermines trust, intimacy, and mutual respect. By recognizing the signs of this behavior and actively addressing its root causes, couples can work together to cultivate a healthier, more equitable partnership and reconnect. The best way to do this is not only through transparent and patient communication but also with the guidance of a Los Angeles couples therapist. Through honest discussion, self-work, consistent accountability, and being astutely aware of social conditioning, couples can navigate their bond with greater understanding and resilience, and work to jettison weaponized incompetence in the process.
Find Support With Marriage Counseling in Los Angeles, CA
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At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for anyone experiencing relationship issues, not just couples. In addition to helping you with marriage counseling, I also offer dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. Additionally, I help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. Check out my blog for more articles!
About the Author
Therapy for Adults is a boutique counseling practice specializing in nurturing healthy relationships. Led by Steven, a Licensed Therapist, who has over a decade of experience, our practice offers tailored therapy sessions for individuals and couples. Using an eclectic and evidence-based approach, we empower our clients to deepen emotional intimacy, resolve conflicts, and cultivate lasting connection, and fulfilling relationships.
