What is The Difference Between Emotional & Mental Labor? Tips From a Los Angeles Couples Therapist on How It Impacts Your Relationship
Recently there has been a lot of discussion about what constitutes both mental labor and emotional labor, but how do they differ? And how do they impact relationship dynamics?
Often when couples are struggling to connect, understanding the definition of these terms—and how they are impacting your relationship--can lead to a shift in detrimental patterns that are keeping you and your partner from true intimacy. However, sussing out the long-term patterns of emotional and mental labor can often be tricky. This is where working with a Los Angeles couples therapist comes in. By teasing apart the role of emotional and mental labor in your connection with a couples therapist during couples therapy, often chronic impasses and frustrations can not only be understood but also rerouted.
Emotional Labor
Emotional labor, coined by sociologist Arlie Hochschild in her 1983 book "The Managed Heart," refers to the effort, regulation, and management of emotions to fulfill another partner’s needs. This can include suppressing negative emotions or maintaining a cheerful demeanor even when the person is feeling the opposite about the circumstance. Emotional labor is present in many facets of a relationship, including how you both manage conflict resolution, how you offer emotional support to one another, how you manage household or domestic tasks, finances, parenting, intimacy, and how you function within extended family dynamics. Unmanaged emotional labor can lead to emotional exhaustion, burnout, and resentment. All things that working with a couples therapist can help you avoid.
Mental Labor
Mental labor refers to the cognitive responsibilities involved in managing various aspects of family life and long-term planning, specifically regarding tasks that require problem-solving skills and decision-making. Like emotional labor, mental labor can present itself in areas like budgeting, household organization and chores, and family events, however, it is more cognitively based. Like emotional labor, mental labor that is left unchecked can lead to breaks in communication and unity, something that can be avoided if mental labor is addressed with a couples counselor.
How Mental Labor and Emotional Labor Overlap
While it is important to understand how mental and emotional labor operates distinctively, it is equally crucial to acknowledge how they often overlap. Let’s take a look at a scenario where both mental and emotional labor comes into play, particularly in regard to taking a family vacation:
Mental Labor (Family Vacation)
Generally speaking, the mental labor of taking a family vacation—a time to get away and ostensibly relax—usually falls on one person in the partnership. Reserving flights and hotels, coordinating travel and sightseeing, organizing pet sitters, shopping, and making sure children are ready to travel all require a great deal of mental labor. Often too, this is the “invisible” work of the trip, because it demands a lot of behind-the-scenes planning—online reservations, phone calls, comparing prices and dates, etc. By the time the vacation rolls around the person who has taken on much of the mental labor may already be feeling stressed—and there is still packing to do, work details to firm up, and last-minute or unanticipated errands.
If both partners are not actively working in balance to acknowledge the mental labor involved, what is supposed to be a fun trip can turn into a week or two of exasperation, frustration, exhaustion or not feeling acknowledged. Part of working on mental labor requires sitting down together to not only list the tasks that need to take place, but to establish a deadline that both partners adhere to. For example, if one partner agrees to make hotel reservations and then does not prioritize this task, then the entire trip might be in jeopardy. Working on strategies to share the mental labor of vacation planning is an ideal scenario to discuss with a couples therapist at Therapy for Adults; often each partner gets so caught up in the planning that they do not realize the extent of the other person’s mental contribution. Offering acknowledgment and gratitude to each other, and working as a team with planning, is essential to making sure that mental labor is in balance.
Let’s take a look at a specific scenario where mental labor has an impact on harmony within the relationship:
One partner has been dreaming about sitting on the beach with a book, already feeling capped out due to the mental load of just getting everyone set up at the vacation house. The other partner is sitting on the couch scrolling on their phone. The first partner has the opportunity to communicate their mental load and ask for help as they navigate the mental load of going to the beach. Mental load questions they may be contending with could include things like which sunscreen will work best for the kids? What snacks should we take to the beach? Is there a cold pack ready to go? Where are the towels and beach toys? What about an umbrella? How is the weather going to look?
However, seeing the other partner tuned out may make them resentful for having to ask, may make them feel guilty for needing help, or may make them angry that they are having to make mental decisions again. This is a crucial juncture of where to discuss mental labor with a couples therapist: is partner one communicating effectively or are they choosing not to express their needs due to past patterns? What about partner two? Are they aware of the mental load their partner has taken on? Are they choosing to ignore the mental load because they are also stressed or frustrated? Are they intentionally tuning out because they do not want to help or feel they did their part already by driving to the destination?
Emotional Labor (Family Vacation)
In addition to the mental labor of planning a trip, there are also plenty of instances where emotional labor plays out in the scenario above. We already mentioned that the partner who performed the mental labor may also be experiencing emotional labor due to frustration, exasperation, or guilt about having to communicate their needs. Here are a few examples of what emotional labor may look like as internal thoughts:
“If I ask for help, my spouse is going to lash out at me and get angry, so it’s just better to do it myself and keep the peace.”
“If I ask my partner to engage, they will get frustrated and be grumpy with me and the kids for interrupting their phone time. I had better just keep it to myself.”
“Fine. I am not going to tell them I need help. How many times do I have to ask? I am not saying anything. I am here to have fun and it’s just best not to mention it.”
“I am so tired. I have been trying to convince our toddler to put on sunscreen and she has been arguing with me. I have tried to be patient but she’s also skipped lunch and started a fight with her brother where I had to intervene. I asked my partner to help but all they did was tell the kids to settle down and put on the TV, which never works. I want to say something but I do not even know what to say because I am just exhausted by all of it. All I want to do is read quietly.”
So how does emotional labor also impact the partner scrolling on their phone? Do they also feel a need to cover up their feelings because they do not want to hurt or upset the second partner? What might be some of the internal monologues that this partner may be having?
“I can tell my partner is stressed about getting ready for the beach, but so I am I. I worked overtime just to take vacation and I just don’t have the patience to deal with anyone right now.”
“Every time I try to help I feel like I drop the ball. I did not put on sunscreen correctly before, packed the wrong snacks, and forgot the beach towels, which only made my partner angry.”
“I don’t understand why I have to help with the kids. My partner is better at managing them anyway.”
“I just want everyone to be happy. Once we get to the beach my partner will forget about all of their stress. Maybe then I can spend time with the kids while they read.”
Balancing Mental and Emotional Labor in Relationships
Not surprisingly, navigating mental and emotional labor can have many layers. While both are distinct, as we have seen in the examples above, they can at times overlap because relationships are built on past history and the accumulation of experiences and belief systems. Often working to be very conscious about mental and emotional labor requires couples counseling. Discussing your relationship dynamic with a Los Angeles couples therapist is necessary to be sure that you are both working toward harmony and toward keeping mental and emotional labor in balance as much as possible.
Find Harmony in Your Relationship With Couples Therapy in Los Angeles, CA
Feeling overwhelmed with the emotional and mental labor in your relationship? Take the first step towards deeper understanding and harmony by seeking couples therapy in Los Angeles, CA. Together at Therapy for Adults, let's unpack the burdensome dynamics, nurture communication, and rediscover the joy in sharing responsibilities, fostering a healthier and more balanced partnership. Don't wait any longer to invest in the well-being of your relationship – reclaim your connection. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
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Other Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles
At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for anyone experiencing relationship issues, not just couples. In addition to helping you find harmony with couples therapy, I also offer dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. Additionally, I help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. Check out my blog for more articles!
About the Author
Therapy for Adults is a boutique counseling practice specializing in nurturing healthy relationships. Led by Steven, a Licensed Therapist, who has over a decade of experience, our practice offers tailored therapy sessions for individuals and couples. Using an eclectic and evidence-based approach, we empower our clients to deepen emotional intimacy, resolve conflicts, and cultivate lasting connection, and fulfilling relationships.
