What Are The Five Types of Emotional Labor How Are They Ruining My Marriage?
Emotional labor is an interplay of gender dynamics, societal expectations, and power imbalances. Chances are, over time and societal conditioning, most of us have developed a deep internalization regarding our understanding of what emotional labor is, let alone the types of it.
As a result, we are often oblivious to its consequences and its capacity to stunt intimacy and trust. Seeking out a couples therapist or couples counselor is an integral step in understanding how all forms of emotional labor are often a source of friction or tension in long-term relationships. Choosing to ignore the role emotional labor plays in our partnerships can lead to resentment, frustration, and a sense of apathy and defeat. This, in turn, can have an impact on our communication, our expression of intimacy, and our ability to keep the relationship playful, vibrant, and dynamic.
In a marriage or partnership, generally speaking, emotional labor is often assigned to women, both in the domestic sphere and the workplace. Women are frequently expected to manage the emotions of those around them, often at the expense of their own. However, this gendered division of emotional labor reinforces traditional roles and expectations and perpetuates a feeling of disconnection, lack of acknowledgment, and a sense of overwhelm.
One of the first steps to breaking down our conditioning around emotional labor is to work with a couples therapist to determine how the different types of emotional labor present themselves in our domestic partnerships. How does emotional labor play out in home and work dynamics? What messages have we received and internalized from our families and life experiences about the balance or imbalance of emotional labor?
Perhaps the best way to tease apart what emotional labor actually looks like is to first offer a case scenario and then look at it through the lens of emotional labor. As you read through, ask yourself how you identify with the players in this scene. ]How might your partner identify or not identify with this example? What kind of emotional experiences do you have in reading it? Does it feel confusing? Validating? Overwhelming? Are you tempted to dismiss the scenario because it requires reflection? These are all crucial and important questions to hash out with a couples therapist.
Let’s take a look:
In this example, both partners work full time—Mom works from home and Dad commutes. They have a toddler and a dog. On this particular Monday morning, the dog begins barking furiously out the window, waking Mom thirty minutes early. This also subsequently wakes the child. Dad sleeps through the noise and when his alarm goes off, he rolls over and scrolls through his phone for a few minutes before jumping in the shower and taking his time to quietly get ready. Mom has already been downstairs tending to the dog and is now with the toddler who is cranky at having been woken up too early. She knows now that the evening grocery trip she had planned that afternoon will have to be rescheduled because the toddler will be too tired and overstimulated to make the trip after preschool. The night before, she had laid out a clean outfit that the toddler wanted to wear, but now, in the throes of tears, the toddler is insisting that they must wear their favorite dinosaur shirt today. This necessitates a search through drawers and closets until they find it. Fortunately, it is clean because Mom remembers that the child often wants to wear it by default and so she makes sure she is prepared. She helps calm the child, knowing that if she insists that they wear the original outfit that there will only be more tears and frustration. She is still in her pajamas, has not had coffee, is now making breakfast for the toddler, and is checking to make sure they have everything in their lunch for the day. Fortunately, she has no Zoom meetings scheduled for the first part of her day, so she will be able to shower later after taking the child to preschool. This brings her a sense of relief in the chaos of the morning. Dad rushes in, makes his own coffee, and asks her where the energy bars are. Despite the bars being in the same place in the cabinet, he still does not see them, so Mom goes over to grab him one. His phone rings, he takes the call, takes the bar, and forgets to offer her a cup of coffee as he is already swooped up in client scheduling for the day. He kisses their child on the head, waves to his wife, and heads out. The wife finally can let the dog in, make a cup of coffee, and take a breath before she has to drive the toddler to preschool. She is already stressed and disregulated and the day has not even begun. She has not even checked her phone to discover the 11 a.m. has now been moved to 9 a.m., which means that the shower she had planned will now not happen.
Here are a few questions to consider asking yourselves, and then work with in sessions with a couples therapist. What parts of this scenario seem familiar? Where did you find yourself relating to the scene? Where couldn’t you relate? How many times would you imagine this scenario plays out? What kind of cumulative effect does beginning each day like this have? Questions like these are great starting points.
Let’s tease apart the types of emotional labor
Invisible emotional labor. These are the cases in which emotional labor is performed and the person doing it, as well as the person benefitting from it, does not even acknowledge that it is a form of labor. In this example, it is simply understood that the wife will wake up early to attend to the dog, will put her needs—showering and waking up with a few minutes to herself—to the side. It is also expected that she will help the child calm themselves and after being startled awake, and that she will help guide the child back to a state of emotional self-regulation, even though she has not been able to take care of her own needs. What if she has asked her husband to switch off with her on who wakes up their child in the morning? What if she has asked her husband to help with the dog and he has not honored this request? What if she has stopped asking because she knows she may be met with defensiveness, denial, and excuses? What kind of resentment then builds upon this? When her partner does have downtime and comes to her looking to engage intimately, is she going to feel a pull to do so after she has denied her own self-care to help others?
Unacknowledged emotional labor. Notice the ways in which the husband here chooses not to engage. He does not thank Mom for helping with the dog. He does not ask the child how they are feeling at breakfast, assuming that all is fine because Mom “took care of it.” He does not offer to pour his wife a cup of coffee, and instead adds to the emotional labor by asking her where the energy bars are, even though they have been in the same place for years. He does not acknowledge or realize that the reason he has breakfast is because his wife noticed they were low on coffee and bars and made sure to stock them before Monday morning. He does not offer to take the toddler to school or acknowledge that Mom was denied the chance to wake up to her routines of getting ready and now has to recalibrate her entire day. This lack of acknowledgment, or truly “seeing” one another, is fertile ground for disconnection.
Repetitive emotional labor. This is where one partner does not reflect enough on how they can ensure that emotional labor is in balance. How many times has Dad asked Mom to help him find things because he does not want to invest the energy to look for them himself? How many times has he refused to work out a schedule whereby they switch off taking the toddler to preschool, assuming that because Mom works from home it “just makes more sense” for her to do so? How many times has Mom not asked for help because she was conditioned to “be strong enough” to “go it alone?” How many times has she felt like a “bad parent” because she feels she should not resent having to help her child emotionally self-regulate? How many times has Dad not pitched in because he does not insist on flexibility in his work schedule, or because his own mom took care of everything, and therefore assumes his wife should do the same? How many times has Mom not come to Dad to discuss how overburdened she feels because she knows “it won’t do any good” or “it won’t change anything?”
Domestic Emotional labor. Even though Mom works from home, she is the one making breakfast, doing the laundry ahead of time, cleaning the kitchen, letting out the dog, making the lunches for school, and helping Dad and their child get ready for the day. Is the mental load of these tasks taken into account? Does Mom feel a sense of decision fatigue because she consistently has to make choices for everyone else? What then, does it feel like for Mom to go into that rescheduled 9 a.m. meeting knowing that her focus and energy have already been taxed?
Anticipatory Emotional Labor. Notice that Mom negotiated the child’s outfit with them the night before in an attempt to avoid an argument. She also made sure the toddler’s favorite shirt was clean because she knows getting dressed has meant a negotiation in the past, so she tries to anticipate potential variables. Mom also made sure Dad had bars and coffee before Monday morning. She also knows that the grocery trip will have to be postponed, and she finds herself relieved that she does not have a Zoom call until late morning, knowing that she will actually have a chance to shower, a fact that, of course, changes. And, within that, she is grateful, even though getting ready for work should be a bare minimum part of the day, not a “lucky break.” Consider the amount of anticipatory labor she has already performed just in this segment of the day. How much more will she do throughout the course of the day? The week? A year? Both at work and at home? By contrast, Dad has been allowed to wake slowly, to trust that his toddler’s needs have been met, to shower peacefully, and to take a call knowing that his coffee and breakfast are magically there. He does not have to perform any anticipatory emotional labor because it has all been done for him.
While the burden of emotional labor is often skewed heavily toward women, it is important to acknowledge that men also can be burdened by emotional labor, especially if they are the stay-at-home parent or the work-from-home parent. The hope is that in looking at this scenario, it can be a jumping off point for you and your partner to look at how emotional labor plays into your relationship dynamic.
Allowing resentment to build, not addressing imbalances in emotional labor, and not recognizing the types of emotional labor are all recipes for a break in intimacy, trust, and harmony within the partnership. Working with a couples therapist to ensure that you are both in balance with emotional labor is an essential step. Talking to a couples counselor not only nurtures the health of your relationship—it is also a powerful tool in breaking down and recalibrating gendered conditioning. By doing so, you and your partner not only ensure your bond, but you provide a harmonious model for children to not be swayed by the effects of emotional labor.
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At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for anyone experiencing relationship issues, not just couples. In addition to helping you and your partner address emotional labor in couples therapy, I offer dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. Additionally, I help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. Check out my blog for more articles!
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Therapy for Adults is a boutique counseling practice specializing in nurturing healthy relationships. Led by Steven, a Licensed Therapist, who has over a decade of experience, our practice offers tailored therapy sessions for individuals and couples. Using an eclectic and evidence-based approach, we empower our clients to deepen emotional intimacy, resolve conflicts, and cultivate lasting connection, and fulfilling relationships.
