How to Reconnect With Your Partner Through The Practice of Celebrating Small Wins: Tips From a Couples Therapist
When relationships reach a point of deep disconnection, often our tendency is to focus on negative responses to our partner’s behavior. Along with this comes a predilection for binary—all or nothing—thinking. If your partnership is experiencing a state of tension or frustration, it is critical to take a moment to examine how you are perceiving our partner, how you are experiencing lack of connection, and to take a hard look at cumulative past patterns that may be impacting present understanding and communication. Seeking out a couples counselor to help you navigate these practices is an essential part of understanding how you can repair, re-connect, and ultimately move through relationship obstacles that are preventing you both from harmony and growth as a couple. Additionally, learning the practice of celebrating small wins will also go a long way to easing points of tension in a relationship. And, by being able to implement this acknowledgment—both as a couple and individually—partnerships will experience a deeper sense of connection and ease.
In order to understand how celebrating small wins works, it is important to first take time for conscious observation and to dismantle our frustrations with our partner through reflection. While we tend to think that our thoughts about our partner are always true, sometimes our reactions and responses come from other places—social conditioning, family trauma, relationship expectations, past patterns, our own insecurities. An essential initial step is to make intentional time to mull over circumstances that cause a state of impasse between you and your partner. Begin by choosing a time where you are able to write down—in detail—your experiences. It might look something like this:
Identify specifically the point of frustration: My partner has stopped helping with unloading the dishwasher; I am frustrated by the emotional labor of having to remind them.
Emotions this evokes in me: anger, resentment, frustration, hopelessness, feeling like it is “always up to me.”
Conditioning: women are expected to do domestic labor. If I remind my partner to empty the dishwasher he might think I am a “nag.” My mother always took care of the dishes in our house; I do not want to repeat that role; I am interested in an equal division of labor.
Expectations: when we first were married we always took turns with unloading the dishwasher. I felt like we helped each other out, and it made me feel more connected. I can remember times I came home from work to see the dishes done, and I was so relieved that he thought to do it, that I did not have to remind him, that it was one less thing on my plate. And, it made me feel more affectionate toward him because I felt loved and taken care of.
After you have written this out, notice what this evokes in your body. Are you relieved to have put it into words? Resentful to admit it has become a pattern? Surprised by the anger that came up for you? Do you feel a sense of tension? Is your heart racing? Do you feel a sense of depletion or hopelessness? Consulting a couples therapist to discuss what comes up is an important way to understand the emotion behind the action, or to understand why your responses may be connected to patterns of feeling disconnected in your relationship.
Now, re-consider the point of frustration again. Try, as best you are able, to think about what thoughts go through your head about your partner when the point of frustration presents itself. This may take time and practice, as often we are unaware of the exact language behind the thoughts. As you start to slow down and really focus on them, hearing specifics not only easier, it also allows you to confront the thought in the emotion, and eventually to reroute it:
Taking from the example above, let’s look at potential thoughts that might come up:
Thoughts I hear in my head when I walk into the kitchen to find the dishwasher still full:
Great! Now there is more I have to do and I am hungry, tired, and capped out.
Once again, I’m the only one that gets things done around here.
How could my partner miss this again?
I am so sick of having to do everything myself. Why do I always have to pick up the slack?
Now it is going to take me twice as long to cook.
Why is my partner like this? It’s not the only thing they’ve missed lately. I’m so over it. He used to be so attentive. Why is he not now?
Listing thoughts is an invitation not only to look at the language and tone behind them, but also the emotions they evoke. For example: “Now it is going to take me twice as long to cook.” Notice how this thought conveys exasperation, frustration, and a sense of overwhelm. Note too, however, that it makes an assumption. It is reactionary, binary, and lacks curiosity about understanding the root of the problem, striking out potential empathy for the partner or the relationship. Another: “Once again, I am the only one that gets things done around here.” Clearly, this thought conveys a sense of abandonment and a sense of disconnection in not feeling supported in the partnership.
While the first step to resolution is being able to identify the issue, being able to understand the emotion behind the issue is a key component in resolution. So, how is it possible to move forward in repair, and begin to celebrate the small wins? Consulting a couples therapist will help the practice and is an important step in being able to talk through how specific issues are contributing to points of disconnection. Creating a safe space with your partner to address the issue also helps to move through it.
In the example above, the couple would sit down together for discussion. Rather than make accusations, lash out, or offer judgment, one partner would agree to communicate their reflections while the other holds space for them to open up entirely and safely. The above example would look something like this:
“I’ve noticed for some time now that you have stopped unloading the dishwasher. I have wanted to bring this up, but I also feel I should not have to. When we were first married, we were so good about switching off with the dishwasher and I always felt so connected to you because it reminded me we were in this together. Lately, I feel like everything is up to me, and I feel resentful, angry, and disappointed. I miss that feeling that I used to have—that sense that we’ve got each other’s backs.”
This is where the other partner also has the opportunity to affirm their partner’s experience, take a close look at why the issue has arisen, and offer accountability. It is also the chance for them to examine how their thought patterns are also influencing their behavior. It may look something like this:
Why have I neglected unloading the dishwasher?
I had no idea this was troubling my partner so much. Honestly, I wish they would just speak up to let me know it’s bothering them. (Emotions: overwhelm, lack of awareness, expectations in communication.)
Honestly, I just assume my partner would just unload the dishwasher. I’ve had a lot on my plate and they’ve been taking care of it for months, and frankly I hate doing it. (accountability, prioritizing labor, admission)
I feel like I do so much around here already and I get annoyed at having to do something else. (frustration, resentment)
In order to begin celebrating small wins, this partner would then need to agree to unload the dishwasher, unprompted, and then follow through consistently.
So how does celebrating a small win look? Initially, the partner who committed to unloading the dishwasher learns to offer self-acknowledgment and then affirm the changes in his own behavior. It may look something like this:
Man, I was so exhausted on Tuesday but I am so glad I unloaded the dishwasher before my partner got home. I almost didn’t because I was so annoyed. But, I knew she was already stressed because her project at work was not going well, and it made me feel good to know I took some of the labor off of her plate that night. It was worth it to get past my annoyance for the sake of showing up. And it made her light up to see that it was done, when in the past I would have avoided it.
After two weeks of not being reminded about the dishwasher and pitching in, I’ve noticed that my partner and I are joking more and feeling more affectionate toward one another. I love how that feels and I love that I had something to do with that.
I love how I made her laugh when she opened the dishwasher and found my note that said “Sorry, nobody’s home. Dishes are all put away!”
Sure, unloading the dishwasher can be a pain, but I’m glad I noticed what a difference it makes, and I no longer look at it as a resentful “chore” but I way I can help contribute to my partner’s peace of mind.
While acknowledgment is important to receive from the other partner, it is important to note that the true work of transformation comes with self-affirmation, celebrating the small wins internally, and ultimately changing the timbre of the issue. However, it is crucial that the other partner offer feedback so that the first partner has a better understanding how the former point of tension is dissipating. This can also be a crucial time to consult a couples therapist—often the balance of self and partner affirmation can be tricky, with one partner needing more feedback than another. Understanding and supporting each other’s emotional needs in this particular part of the process is also essential to deep repair.
So, what might partner acknowledgment look like?
“I just want to say thank you. It’s been three weeks since you’ve started pitching in the with dishwasher, and now instead of coming home with a sense of dread, I feel more relaxed and actually look forward to cooking.”
“ The note in the dishwasher cracked me up. Have you noticed we’ve been more playful lately? I know that is because we are working on this together again, and I feel closer to you.”
“I know this week has been stressful for you, and I know you did not want to unload the dishwasher, but I also wanted to say how much I appreciate you for helping out despite how much you have had going on.”
By spending time reflecting on issues of tension, identifying emotions and patterns behind them, sharing in a safe space, and talking to a couples counselor, relationships that feel caught in a negative pattern can gradually be coaxed back to harmony.
By taking on these practices—and learning to celebrate small wins by offering internal and partner affirmation—balance, intimacy, and even a sense of humor can return to a relationship that once seemed defined by disconnection.
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At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for anyone experiencing relationship issues, not just couples. In addition to helping you and your partner reconnect in couples therapy, I offer dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. Additionally, I help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. Check out my blog for more articles!
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Therapy for Adults is a boutique counseling practice specializing in nurturing healthy relationships. Led by Steven, a Licensed Therapist, who has over a decade of experience, our practice offers tailored therapy sessions for individuals and couples. Using an eclectic and evidence-based approach, we empower our clients to deepen emotional intimacy, resolve conflicts, and cultivate lasting connection, and fulfilling relationships.
