How is Automatic Refute Ruining my Relationships With Women? Working on Conversational Practices for Socialized Acceptance Versus Socialized Resistance: Tips from an LA Couples Therapist
When considering how we interact in day-to-day conversation with our partners, family, colleagues, and friends, often it is too easy to take our responses and reactions for granted. Part of understanding ourselves better – and creating healthier patterns of communication, and more harmonious interactions - is to practice techniques of conversational self-awareness. Working with a couples counselor to look at societal and family conditioning and how it may or may not be impacting our ability to communicate and connect effectively is an important step in not perpetuating detrimental patterns.
One area that is currently gaining a lot of attention is how our conversational responses are impacted – often subconsciously – by socialized resistance. Because there are many forms of socialized resistance, we are going to take on just one that may be hindering your ability to truly connect: automatic refute. Let’s break each term down:
What is socialized resistance?
Socialized resistance is often a deeply ingrained behavioral pattern, one that we have seen modeled by others and perhaps taken on as a belief system. As we move throughout our day, racing to complete to-do lists, we often do not have time or space to think about many things we take for granted: a hot shower, functioning transportation, digital systems that help streamline our productivity. We don’t stop to consider why the subway is designed as it is, why advertisers choose the logos they do, or why we use the same method since childhood to tie our shoes. Socialized resistance happens in much the same way. We do not pause to consider our responses, or the larger impact of them, because that requires us to slow down with conscious intention, and to really take note and discern why we choose to react as we do in conversational exchange. If you are unaware of ways in which socialized resistance impacts your conversational patterns, working with a couples counselor is a great way to see how your behaviors may be keeping you from truly connected and effective communication.
So what is automatic refute?
Generally speaking, automatic refute tends to happen with men’s responses to women in conversation. It is often so deeply subconscious – and so much of a reaction versus a response – that many couples are entrenched in the dynamic without even knowing they are. Automatic refute happens when a woman brings up a topic in conversation, makes an observation conversationally, or tries to offer an example of her experience of knowledge and is met with any form of refute. Her partner could interrupt and dismiss her, say no, respond with something negative, shut down her observation, immediately argue against it, offer unwarranted correcting, or gaslight her experience. Because the practice is so ingrained – and is just beginning to gain traction in socialized consciousness – often when men are presented with the concept of automatic refute, they – rather ironically – might refute that it happens, or become defensive. This response in itself is also a key indicator that looking at conversational patterns with a couples therapist may be crucial. Often, when we implicitly resist, it is our personal growth telling us that we need to take a closer look at why we are resisting.
That can’t be me! How do I know if I am engaging in automatic refute?
If you are still skeptical about automatic refute, consider creating a safe space with your partner, women friends, colleagues, or family members and asking them to share their experiences of automatic refute. If you are unsure how to create that container of safety, working with a couples counselor can help you with the practice, as can reading up on what it means to be an engaged and non-judgmental listener for women to share their experiences so that you are able to learn from them.
Begin by asking the women in your life to share general observations about automatic refute in their experiences: how have they noticed it in academic settings? In retail engagement? In dynamics with friends or partners? On dating apps? In previous or current relationships? Take note and ask questions, being sure to keep your own defensiveness and socialized resistance at bay.
If you feel comfortable enough, begin to ask them where they have noticed patterns of automatic refute with you. What are some specific examples? Are there certain topics where they notice you have this tendency, whereas with others you are less resistant? For example, do you almost always practice automatic refute when you are discussing finances and investments? Do you refrain from it when talking about parenting styles?
Also, begin to look wider and observe conversational dynamics of those around you. Does your manager do this with women in the office? Has this always happened but you are only now just seeing it? Do you notice it in your running group? At the gym? What about at trivia night or in the way your father engages with women neighbors versus male neighbors? Consider conversations that you recall with men in your family that you looked up to – do you remember instances of automatic refute?
Often it helps to look at a hypothetical exchange to get a better idea. Here are two instances – one with a colleague and one with a partner - where automatic refute not only presents itself, but becomes an obstacle to genuine engagement, connection, understanding, and (in regard to the partner example), intimacy:
Scenario 1: Female colleague checks over superior’s spreadsheet and finds a number of errors. She comes to him for a discussion:
W: Hey John, I noticed there were a few discrepancies in that Excel document.
M: Nope, I checked it over. It is good to go.
W: Let’s take another look; some of these figures are not matching the reports I have.
From this point, the conversation could escalate into a debate, particularly if M is insistent that the Excel document is correct. Notice how quickly M dismisses W rather than being open to the potential that there actually are errors in the document. Consider how that makes W feel in the moment too. She is bringing up the fact that there are mistakes, and rather than being validated for her observation, or thanked for it (she’s just saved him from having an incorrect report), she is immediately questioned and dismissed. Let’s see what happens when automatic refute does not enter the conversation:
W: Hey John, I noticed there were a few discrepancies in that Excel document.
M: Hey, thanks! I had checked it over and thought it looked ok. Can you show me the oversights? I appreciate you bringing it to my attention; that would have been a serious misstep to submit this with errors.
Already, the level of engagement and respect is entirely transformed. M’s willingness to work with W also means she will be less stressed or hesitant about bringing errors to him in the future because she knows her work will be taken seriously and not dismissed.
Scenario 2: Wife drives past an abandoned building and notices it has finally been razed. The derelict property has been a topic of conversation between her and her husband for years as they both have taken turns musing on – and playfully bantering about - what the future purpose of the space will be. It is something they both are genuinely excited to talk about and engage over:
W: Hey, you will never guess! Did you see they finally tore down our abandoned building? I am betting they are putting in a Costco. What’s your money on?
M: No, they didn’t.
W: (pausing mentally to question herself, even though she knows what she saw.) I just drove by this afternoon. It is an empty lot now.
M: I drove by last week and it was still there.
W: Well, it is gone now.
M: You must be thinking of a different place; there was not even a crew out there last week.
This scenario is particularly painful because the wife is looking to engage over a subject that has meant a lot to them as a couple, only to be met with automatic refute and resistance. It causes her to question her reality for a second, and then she is placed in the difficult situation of needing to prove that reality to someone who loves her. She then has to offer a timeline as evidence – this afternoon. Additionally, she also has restate her observation to someone who loves her, and her initial enthusiasm and bid for engagement – the Costco reference – is lost. She then has to continue to maintain her stance, even as her partner attempts to gaslight her by saying she must be thinking of a different place. Even in this small exchange, she has been dismissed, said no to, met with the negative, and gaslit. It can lead her to feel defeated – why did I mention this? – exhausted – once again I try to share something exciting only to be shut down – and ultimately it can affect their trust and sense of closeness. In the moment, this conversation may seem innocuous to the husband, but if this couple invests in looking at this pattern with a couples therapist, then they can finally begin to untangle the damage it has woven into their relationship.
Let’s imagine this conversation without automatic refute:
W: Hey, you will never guess! Did you see they finally tore down our abandoned building? I am betting they are putting in a Costco. What’s your money on?
M: No way! After all of this time! Our little building at last gone – it is a bit sad, really. Hmm, I am going to say it is the future home of Top Golf.
W: (playfully) Oh do you now? I think we need to put a wager on this one!
The contrast of this engagement is the antithesis of above. W feels seen and validated, and her observation becomes an invitation to intimacy, and a continuation of their playful banter. M feels closer to W because their sense of mirth is engaged, and he immediately meets her observation with curiosity and openness rather than automatic refute.
Working with a couples counselor to understand the role of automatic refute in your conversational dynamics not only creates deeper engagement with your partner, it could also lead to more effective communication in your career, and a better sense of harmony within your family relationships. Too, consistent attentiveness to derail automatic refute is a practice that benefits children. They not only see you taking accountability for your role in socialized resistance, but they also have the experience of growing up where automatic refute is not normalized in partnerships.
