Self-Check Responses During Work Hours: Insights from a Couples Therapist
Often, when we are engaged in conversation – whether verbally or via text - with our partners, we defer to habit, ritual, and reaction over response. Consider the last time you received a text or heard a phrase from your partner that led to a later argument. Can you pinpoint exactly what the phrase was? How did it feel in your body as you read the text, or heard the person you love say this to you? What was your response? Did you pause in the moment? Did you react immediately? Did you go to a familiar pattern of clapping back without considering the emotion behind your words?
In an increasingly reactive, fast-paced world that relies on multitasking and speed to drive success and progress, learning to be attentive and self-check in conversation can be a tall order. Unfortunately, that often leads to resentment, frustration, accumulated unhealthy patterns, and lack of connection. Additionally, when we are around people who do not hold themselves accountable for their behavior, it normalizes the idea that accountability is not necessary. So, if it is not helpful to react as we do, why do we continue to do it? Working with a couples counselor is a key practice to understanding why we deny accountability, and also helps us to better understand how to move from reaction to response.
In order to understand the factors that come into play in our ability to self-check our responses, let’s consider a few factors along with an example:
First, consider career environment: More often than not, in our current landscape, one or both partners in a relationship work in roles where much depends on speed, focus, and efficiency. In order to be successful, one must think fast, react faster, and encourage teams to drive their energy in a similar way to excel against competition. Senior management and superiors can be notorious for not owning up to mistakes, building careers on quick thinking and demonstrated reactive behavior – in fact, they are often admired and praised for it, and it can be considered an asset. In this mode, time for personal reflection is either lost or relegated to a space of non-priority. Additionally, working in this energy creates a cumulative effect that can also be the antithesis of engagement for personal partnerships.
Second, consider professional and personal space: Often, when we are at work, it takes conscious effort to transition from professional space to personal space when engaging with our partners. Many couples set boundaries around how and when they will communicate during work hours precisely for this reason. Working with a couples therapist is an ideal way to identify what some of these boundaries may be in your partnership- and to take a close look at where they are working and where they are causing tension. Examples of workday boundaries may look like this: we don’t text on Wednesdays because that is deadline day and texting my partner can take them out of their zone. We make time to call at lunch every day for a 15 minute check in; it is our way of staying connected and keeping each other motivated during the workday. When I am on the road I text good morning and goodnight to my partner but I prefer not to take calls because I only have so much energy for conversation. My partner and I only contact each other on workdays before 8 and after 5; it just became too much for each of us to engage during work hours.
Third, consider language – not only in how we speak or text, but in how our internal voices – or the things we say to ourselves – present themselves. Here it is best to give an example, taking into account both the career environment and the personal/professional space we mentioned above:
Let’s say your partner is at work and receives a text like this: “I hate this. I really do not know what to do about _________.”
Generally, a knee-jerk reaction would be to think “I do not have time for this; deal with your own problems.” The receiving partner, wanting to not leave the person on read, might respond “later,” to shut down the conversation. They might not be able to respond at all, simply because they are not capable at the time of getting out of reactive headspace. They may also feel protective, wanting to be able to help and listen but feel frustrated because they cannot be pulled away from work. Further, to have to pay attention to what happens in the text recipient’s body at that moment seems like an imposition, a distraction, or even, perhaps, makes them think of their partner as another bullet on a to-do list.
Consider how you would respond if you received a text like this. Check in with your body as you are reading this. Is your jaw clenched? Did you roll your eyes? Did you relate to the text because you have sent messages like this before? Did you feel helpless that you could not offer support? Did you take a deep breath because you related to the scenario too well? If you had received a text like that at work, would have been able to offer a conscious response, or would you have reacted?
By looking at this scenario we can start to acknowledge what a challenge it is to identify examples of where we have triggered reactions instead of self-aware responses. This practice of self-checking can be extremely difficult to get to in the moment, so much so that it may take conscious reflection and journaling to determine where you are having reactions versus responses. Talking through your particular examples with a marriage counselor is an essential way to not only identify when they are happening, but how frequently, and how it is not only impacting your sense of connection to your partner, but also your own emotional regulation and sense of grounding.
Paying attention to the language that goes off in our heads is also part of homing in on what goes off in our heads. In the example above, did you hear a response in your head? For example, did you think “oh, been there done that.” Did you think “ugh, it is the worst getting texts like that at work,” or “I don’t know that my partner has ever texted me like that.” ? Whatever language came up for you offers an example of the kind of self-talk that might arise when you respond to your partner’s bids for connection at work.
Write down places where you have been reactive. While you may not be able to recall them in this moment, just the act of telling yourself you will be on the lookout for them will allow you to start seeing them more readily. As you write down examples try to note the following:
What was the language used in the text or in the conversation that was upsetting? Was it a word choice or a phrase? Did something your partner said remind you of a parent or past relationship? Of a past argument between you both?
How did your body feel on hearing or seeing the statement that caused you to feel reactive? What specific responses did you feel in your body? Did your heart race? Did you feel shut down? Did you immediately want to change the subject or interrupt? Did you want to deny your partner’s text or observation? Did you have a facial expression?
What language did you hear in your head? Try to be as specific as possible. Have you heard these phrases before in other circumstances? Do they remind you of phrases you heard growing up?
How many other times has this particular text or engagement led to an argument? Is there a history behind this particular verbal pattern or way of communicating?
Working with a couples therapist to establish healthy practices around boundaries, self-check responses, and reactive behaviors is imperative to ensuring clear and connected communication with your partner. The more that you are both willing and able to work on being responsive and self-aware, the more your partnership will benefit from truly engaged connection, saving each of you frustration and tension. Additionally, a couples counselor will also help you work on strategies for repair, and ways to re-route ingrained or unhealthy exchanges that have led to disconnection, argument, or impasse in the past.
