To App or Not to App? A Los Angeles Couples Therapist Weighs in on Dating Apps

Navigating the world of dating apps can quickly get complex. While interacting on a dating app can be an exercise in curiosity, learning, and connecting, it can also be frustrating, time-consuming, and ultimately leave users feeling a sense of further disconnection. Why is it important to talk to a couples therapist if you are considering creating a profile on a dating app, returning to dating apps, or looking at your patterns of engagement on a dating app? 

Often, we feel pulled into the pressure of dating apps for reasons that may not ultimately be serving our best interests. Perhaps we have done so out of loneliness or boredom, perhaps because friends or family gave us the nudge to do so, perhaps we are unable to break the cycle of messaging and meeting up.  Whatever the reasons behind our choices, discussing our relationship with dating apps with a couples counselor will ultimately lead us not only to a better and more intentional relationship with ourselves but stronger connections within our future partnerships as well. Additionally, knowing whether or not a dating app is in alignment for us at all is also part of the journey.

What do we often misunderstand about the dating app experience?  

Many times, getting on - or returning to - a dating app is not an action of transparent intention. In other words, we jump onto an app not exactly sure what we want, what we intend, or what we are looking for. Taking some time to reflect on your relationship with dating apps is a crucial step, and talking through your choices, desires, intentions, and past experiences with a couples therapist is a key way to be sure that you are on track.  Have you struggled with the format of dating apps in the past?  Do you want to go from having a profile that is not as much about hookups as about long-term relationships or vice-versa? Do you chronically say – and maybe even believe - you are interested in an LTR when really you only wish to hook up? Are you returning to dating after being in a long-term partnership? Do you feel overwhelmed by all of the swiping? Have you had positive dating app experiences that you hope to find again? Whatever your concerns or questions may be, being clear on your intentions will go a long way to connecting you to the energy you are hoping for. 

What are my intentions for using a dating app?  

While this may initially seem to be an easy question to answer – “I am hoping to meet new people,” “I am looking for someone that shares my interests,” – often examining the intentions behind the intentions is where we gain the most illumination. For example, let’s consider that you have recently ended a long-term monogamous relationship. During the partnership, you found that you both had a lot of shared interests, but that you did not feel free with your sexual expression. As a result, you are now seeking out a dating app to meet people who resonate with you similarly in terms of sex and intimacy. Maybe you are looking to be more experimental, maybe you are looking for physical connection only, or maybe you are looking to have experiences outside of your comfort zone. Being able to discuss these thoughts with a couples therapist is an important way to really hone in on what you are hoping for with dating apps and why. In addition, sessions with a couples counselor might also help you find the language to create a dating profile that truly expresses your intentions, and therefore is in harmony with people who are also seeking out similar experiences. 

You may also find that discussing your need to be on a dating app helps you to move through emotions that have not been helpful in the past. You may also examine unprocessed emotions in this too. For example, maybe friends have pressured you to be on a dating app but you are beginning to realize that you prefer to be solitary versus in the dating scene. In other words, perhaps you were making the decision to date to appease others instead of honoring what you needed for yourself. Alternatively, maybe you have created a profile in an attempt to move through a painful past relationship versus really being invested in yourself and in an authentic connection. Or, maybe dating has become so rote that you feel most of your connections have been superficial versus engaged. Whatever your experience has been, working through your intentions – and perhaps setting some new ones with a couples therapist – is an ideal way to begin having more inspired connections to what it is you desire for yourself and for a potential partnership.

What is there to know about app etiquette? 

Creating a profile on a dating app can be a challenge. We may know our intentions but not be certain how to express them in language. We may connect with others on the app but those connections do not lead to in-person dates. There may be instances of ghosting that have been painful and confusing. Caught up in the swiping and “numbers game” we may feel defeated, frustrated, or even angry about the time investment required for dating apps. At times, we may have been party to catfishing, to profiles that gave false information, or to a connection that overtly lied about details of their lives to seem more impressive. All of these circumstances can lead to a lot of confusion and resentment around the dating app experience. Understanding etiquette, language - and engagement with strangers we are hoping to connect with - may be far more nuanced than we anticipated. Talking through dating app experiences with a couples therapist can help immensely – it not only gives us a forum to be heard and seen within previous not-so-great dating app interactions – but it also gives us the opportunity to reroute, recalibrate, and connect with others who are more in alignment with how we move through the world. 

When do I know it is time to take a break from dating apps?  

Part of being on dating apps is also clearly knowing and understanding our own boundaries with interaction and intention. When we find ourselves mindlessly scrolling out of boredom, making binary assumptions about people on dating apps, or feeling defeated by the experience, these may all be signs that it is time to take a break from the app world. However, this is highly individual, and understanding our need and intention behind not only going on dating apps – but also going off of them or taking a break from them – is an important avenue of discussion with a couples therapist. You might ask yourself: how many times have I wanted to take a break from dating apps but not been able to? How many times have I met up with someone on a dating app when I knew it was not in the best interest for me emotionally? How often have I engaged on a dating app, promising to meet up then ghosting when it came down to follow through? How often have I met people on dating apps only to ghost them because I was avoiding difficult conversations?  Whatever challenging questions may arise about your behavior on dating apps, a couples therapist can help you work through some of your awareness about your choices.

What about the behavior of others on dating apps? 

Often, seeing the behavior of others on dating apps can be triggering. Did your long-term partner suddenly re-engage with their profile? Did someone you felt a connection with ask you to take down your profile and yet you are not ready to do so? Did you notice that someone who claimed to take down their profile has not?  How invested are you in unmatching or being unmatched? When is it time, in a monogamous partnership, to discuss dating app history? Does the person you are in love with have a secret profile?  All of these are questions that bring to mind a myriad of ways in which another’s behavior on apps can impact our sense of intimacy, integrity, and trust. Talking through these issues with a couples counselor – especially if we have been “burned” in the past – can only serve to lead us into more authentic engagement and understanding of our own boundaries. Knowing what behaviors cross the line for us personally, or knowing our expectations around partners on dating apps, can help ensure that our interactions moving forward are clear and foster a sense of safety and understanding.

Navigating the world of dating apps can be complex, but it does not have to be. Knowing your thought process behind engaging with dating apps, being transparent about your intentions, and knowing clearly what your hopes are for the experience, can make all of the difference. Working with a couples counselor on your relationship with dating apps will not only lead to a deeper understanding of yourself, but will also pave the way for the partnerships, interactions, or connections you are hoping to find in your search.