Why Does My Partner Break Promises and How Can I Get Them To Keep Their Word? Insights From a Los Angeles Couples Therapist
Understanding why your partner does not keep promises is often a far more complex issue than we might initially perceive. Examining not only the behavior that leads to your partner not keeping their word, but taking a closer look at your partner’s history - and of your responses to their broken promises - is important to discuss with a couples therapist, especially if you both are looking for greater trust, connection, and dependability in the relationship. Let’s look at a few questions that will offer greater insight into why making – and breaking – promises can lead to a state of disconnection and resentment in a relationship.
Why does my partner break promises?
While a number of factors can contribute to the answer to this question, it is important to be aware that the answer might not always be an easy one. Did your partner grow up in an environment where other adults did not keep their word? Do they have stories of broken promises that they carry with them that have impacted how they perceive “showing up” in a relationship? Do they tend to make promises with the true hope of being able to fulfill them, or do they make promises from a place of trying to appease everyone else, knowing that they cannot fulfill them? Sometimes, in an effort to improve closeness in a relationship, a partner will make a promise that they know they cannot follow through on because they think that their promise-making is a way of “saving” the relationship when actually it is having the opposite effect.
It is also important to look at both partners in the relationship and the role that integrity plays. Does one person consistently break promises while the other does not? Do you both break promises to each other knowingly or out of spite? Are each of you aware of the consequences of broken promises?
Additionally, while it may seem like certain promises hold more weight than others, getting to the root of the chronic promise-breaking is imperative to learning ways to change the behavior. Working with a marriage therapist or couples counselor to understand the why behind broken promises is necessary to establish deeper intimacy and trust. For example, let’s take a quick look at how partners may respond to a broken promise. While one partner may get defensive – “so what? I promised to pay that bill and didn’t; my bad; I will get to it” and think that this mistake is an excusable offense, the other partner may see it as an indicator of a chronic pattern, or even a threat to their sense of safety. For example, “If you do not follow through on a bill, we incur a late fee and our interest goes up. How can I trust you to be responsible with our finances if you cannot meet basic deadlines?”
Looking at the emotions that arise behind broken promises is crucial to understanding the why. The partner that did not pay the bill dismisses the concerns of the other partner rather than stepping back and taking a look at their partner’s frustration. Is the first partner feeling overwhelmed and thus trying to downplay missing the bill? Are they denying their own accountability in not following through? Are they concerned about their recent financial forgetfulness and are afraid to broach that with their partner? Are they hiding other debts? As far as the second person is concerned, was this broken promise one mistake – an isolated oversight – that triggered a financial fear for them? Or is the first partner’s behavior a repeated pattern that is leading the second partner to not have a sense of trust within the relationship?
Also, broken promises can extend to all areas of a relationship – from fidelity, to parenting, to dealing with aging parents, house repairs, job challenges, as well as within the everyday promises we make to help each other through the day: I will pick up the dry cleaning before your flight so you can go straight home to pack, for example.
Why does my partner always break promises? Why does my partner keep breaking promises?
When a partner continues to make and break promises, it is part of a chronic pattern that leads to fractures in trust, dependability, safety, and intimacy in the relationship. While it is important to understand why a partner breaks promises, it is just as important to understand why they keep breaking promises. Has it become a habit that they do not know how to break? Is it part of how they see intimacy – say, for example, a string of broken promises followed by a kept promise that looks like it may signal a change in behavior? Are they aware of the impact of broken promises on others? Do they intend to keep the promises but are unable to for legitimate reasons? Have they become so comfortable in making excuses that they do not know how to function emotionally otherwise? Are they caught in a promise-breaking cycle that for some reason is a comfort to them – it emulates a family pattern, or keeps the relationship feeling “exciting” because of the conflict/make-up dynamic? Are there addictions at play that are leading to broken promises – gambling, substance abuse, sex, work ethic? Are broken promises a way to keep their partner distracted from other issues they are avoiding in the relationship? Does your partner break promises only in your relationship, or does this extend to work, family, and friends as well?
Often, the partner that repeatedly breaks promises is unable to see the why behind the promise-breaking or to see the long-term impacts of continually not keeping their word. Due to this, and to the emotions that the other partner may be feeling – betrayal, hurt, anger, confusion, defensiveness – it is imperative to seek out a couples counselor to start taking apart the role that promise-breaking has had in your partnership.
What to do when my partner breaks promises? How do I respond when my partner breaks promises?
There is not an easy answer to this question. Broken promises – particularly repeatedly broken ones – deeply impact the emotions of both people in the relationship. Patterns of resentment and frustration become ingrained as each partner often feels unseen and unvalidated in the connection. While you can gently point out to your partner that a promise was broken, and also ensure that promises are clearly communicated, a lot of repair will depend on your partner's response and willingness to truly look at the impact of broken promises. A marriage therapist is essential to this process, and to facilitating healing between each of you. You may want to consider these approaches:
As the promise is being made, be sure to confirm details and ensure that you are both on the same page: “What I am hearing you say is that you will cook on Wednesday night so I can study. Does this mean you will also plan the meal and go to the grocery store, or do we need to do the shopping this weekend?”
Review commitments to one another. “I know we both said that we were not going to make any purchases over a certain amount for the month of September. I just wanted to check back in about that. For the last few weekends we’ve been talking about cars and gone on a test drive. I just want to make sure that we are both committed to not making big purchases for now.”
Offer observation, being careful to communicate with “I” language. “I know we had an agreement about not texting with our exes. I appreciate you sharing with me that you did text your ex when their father died. While I do understand this, I am also hurt and confused that you all have continued to text with each other, and it makes me feel like I cannot trust you. Please help me understand.” Another example might be: “I went ahead and got the oil changed because our road trip is this weekend. However, it was a slammed week and I had to significantly rearrange my schedule to get it done. My understanding was that you wanted to take charge of oil changes, and it is really frustrating and inconvenient when you are not able to follow through with this.”
Affirm kept promises. When your partner is making an effort to keep promises – especially when you are working with a couples counselor – be sure to let them know you witness the effort they are putting in. While changing chronic patterns can take time – and often may lead to one step-forward, two steps back – affirming energy devoted to changing patterns also helps re-establish intimacy and safety within partners. “Thank you for keeping our date night. I know it may have been hard to miss the concert with your friends, but I appreciate you for keeping your promise to me and to us. And I loved being able to try out that new restaurant with you.”
Looking at the impact of broken promises – and the source of them – is critical to understanding where our levels of closeness and trust are. Working with a couples therapist to examine how we see commitment, how we make promises, and why we break promises, is an important gateway to repair and to creating spaces of trust, closeness, safety and intimacy.
