What Does it Mean to be Emotionally Unavailable? How do I Know if My Partner is Emotionally Unavailable? Insights From a Los Angeles Couples Therapist

Being emotionally unavailable in partnership can not only cause deeply fractured patterns in communication and intimacy, it can also erode a relationship’s foundation over time, leading to a sense of discord and withdrawal from connection. Understanding how emotional availability devolves into emotional unavailability requires taking a close look at your relationship dynamic, and seeking out a couples therapist who will help you pinpoint the patterns that may be causing you or your partner – or both of you – to be emotionally unavailable. While we may tend to think of couples as being divided into camps – one is emotionally unavailable while the other is emotionally available – the truth is that partnerships are often quite more nuanced. Being emotionally unavailable can come and go throughout different chapters in life – sometimes both partners are emotionally unavailable at the same time, sometimes the pattern can switch off between partners, or at other times, it can be temporary. Whatever the case, understanding the facets of what it means to be emotionally open and receptive in contrast to being emotionally closed, distant, and unavailable is a crucial first step.

How do I know if my partner is emotionally unavailable?  How do I tell if my partner is emotionally unavailable?  What are the signs of emotional unavailability?

Generally speaking, determining emotional availability hinges on taking a close look at your partner’s actions and responses. Often, people that are emotionally unavailable are unaware that they are, especially when they have previously been emotionally available. While discussing your concerns about your partner being emotionally unavailable with them directly can be helpful, often your partner may not know that they are choosing not to be available. In order to feel heard, seen, and affirmed, our partners also need to feel safe, and sometimes the fear of admitting or confronting our own emotions keeps us from owning that we are not emotionally unavailable. Because people tend to feel a sense of guilt or shame around lack of emotional availability, approaching this conversation with a couples therapist is an ideal way to not only begin to untangle where emotional availability is not present, but also a great way to begin new practices together that encourage emotional availability.  So, how do we tell if our partner is emotionally unavailable?

They may seem distant or disengaged, especially around activities that they were once passionate about. Maybe the two of you went hiking every weekend, and suddenly they have stopped planning with you, claiming they are too tired or overworked. When you ask why they aren’t looking forward to weekend hikes they may shift the conversation, deflect, or lash out because they do not want to admit their own disengagement. They may also seem apathetic, unmotivated, or conversely, may schedule other outings, neglecting their previous commitment to the hikes. 

They seem uncomfortable with vulnerable conversations. Out of concern for your partner, you may ask them how they are really doing, or share with them that you have noticed changes in their behavior, or that you do not feel as close to them. Even with gentle questioning in safe space, your partner may be unwilling or unable to open up and share how they are really feeling. While they may have initiated vulnerable conversations in the past, now they turn from them, seem distracted, or try to downplay the lack of connection. Worse, in order to cover for their sense of disengagement, they may try to shift blame to you or other sources – their parents, work, etc. They may also try to insist that you are making a big deal out of nothing, or gaslight your emotional experience of lack of connection. This kind of protective armor drives a very deep wedge into intimacy, leaving both partners feeling hurt, confused, and unseen. Working with a couples therapist is essential to understanding why emotional vulnerability is not present in your relationship.

They may no longer initiate or reciprocate. Intimacy thrives on consistency, trust, and steadfast engagement. By continually nurturing foundations of trust and dependability, we feel closer to our partners, feel excited about connecting, and joyfully anticipate being met in our enthusiasm or our passion. When one partner is doing all of the emotional labor of connecting, only to not feel reciprocity from the other partner, this can be an indicator of lack of emotional availability. Too, when your partner no longer initiates, that is also a sign that they are not practicing emotional availability.  For example, let’s say you and your partner have a habit of texting each other goodnight when you are traveling for work.  You begin to notice that you continue to the practice, but your partner has not upheld their end of the commitment. At first, because of the foundation of trust that you have, you may believe it is because of legitimate reasons: we were on a different time zone, or I know they were tired from the flight, or they did not get in with the kids until late and collapsed. While extenuating circumstances do happen, when they are consistently inconsistent, this is a time to address being emotionally unavailable with a marriage therapist. 

What does being emotionally unavailable look like?  What does being emotionally unavailable feel like?

These are both imperative questions to address because they look at the experience of both partners.  Now that we know what being emotionally unavailable is, it is far easier to determine what it looks like. While responses vary from person to person, understanding a few elements of emotional unavailability will go a long way in determining how it looks. As we move through chapters of life and experience, it is important to remember that emotional availability can wax and wane.  That is why working with a couples counselor is so important – it helps us understand if emotional unavailability is a chronic issue for you and your partner, or if it is just a temporary state of being.  While emotional unavailability can look like the detachment or lack of engagement mentioned above, it can also look like being unusually reserved, being forgetful, being shut down, being unable to sustain conversation, hyperfocusing on other distractions – work, travel, house maintenance, or finances to name a few. It can also look like being resentful, angry, or bitter, especially in scenarios that would not have previously caused this response. Conversely, being emotionally unavailable can often look like deflecting with humor, over-focusing on fun, being determined to be “the life of the party,” over-emphasis on travel, escape, or avoiding situations that require emotional decision-making.  This can be especially true in parenting, particularly if one parent always wants to be the “fun” parent and avoids challenging conversations with their children, or discipline in any way.  

So, what does being emotionally unavailable feel like?  Keeping in mind that emotional availability may not be a conscious choice, an emotionally unavailable person will often feel defeated, or overwhelmed. They may feel unsafe in their emotional environment. They may or may not know how to establish true intimacy and trust because they grew up with emotionally unavailable parents who did not model vulnerable and engaged conversation. They may struggle to find words to describe their emotional experiences, and may choose not to discuss them because they feel embarrassed or feel a lack of emotional intelligence as compared to others.  They may not have been taught how to identify their emotions or they may not have a clear understanding of emotional regulation.  For example, they may claim they are angry when really they are feeling lonely and deeply misunderstood, a distinction that can be particularly difficult to understand, especially for those not aware of how to articulate their emotional state or their emotional needs. They may dismiss the feelings of others, say things like “oh that is too deep for me,” or “get over it, stop being so serious,” or “get out of your head and live a little.”  When others genuinely try to get closer to them, they may push away out of habit, discomfort, lack of trust (in themselves or the other person), or because of past conditioning or abuse. 

The good news is that we are continually becoming more aware of the signs of being emotionally unavailable. We are normalizing discussions of emotional unavailability and seeking to learn practices and language that teach us how to be more emotionally available.  By truly understanding what it means to be or have an emotionally unavailable partner, we are able to identify not only how to begin connecting deeper, but how to develop skills that help us share our vulnerability. Working with a couples therapist not only enables you to understand how to go from emotionally unavailable to emotionally engaged, it also will free you from repeating past patterns that have sabotaged the emotional connection in your relationships, leading you to a greater sense of peace, safety, and emotional authenticity.