What Does it Mean to “Hold Space” and How Can I Develop this Practice? Tips From a Los Angeles Couples Therapist
Holding space is one of the most powerful and compassionate ways to increase intimacy, trust, safety, and a sense of connection in partnership. However, it is a practice that requires attentiveness and willingness to be aware of one’s own inner work, and to be in a place of empathy for your partner. If you are dating a highly sensitive person, partnered with someone who navigates anxiety, or if your significant other has been working on trauma healing or ending generational patterns of trauma, holding space is one of the most loving, affirming, and bonding experiences you can share together.
What Does it Mean to “Hold Space?”
Holding space is a commitment to operate from a state of compassion for your partner. It is also a space of non-judgment. By using touch, words of affirmation, and acknowledgment, you allow your partner to feel safe and seen in their full expression of emotion. This allows them ultimately to not only feel comfortable enough to process that emotion but to self-soothe until they can also emotionally regulate. With the help of couples therapy in Los Angeles, CA, and regular practice of holding space also leads to a deep shift in patterns and release, which is beneficial--and often freeing--in healthy long-term relationships.
What Are Some Ways I Can Develop The Practice of Holding Space?
Begin by acknowledging the importance of your own inner work. If you are working with a couples therapist, a dating coach, or a relationship counselor, you are aware of what your triggers and traumas are, and you are working to process them individually. Holding space for a partner is not about your work, but rather creating a safe space for your partner to process.
How do I create a safe environment to hold space? Much of holding space is not “doing” but “being.” You are committing to creating safety by not judging, by not taking your partner’s emotions personally, and by creating a space of absolute non-reactivity. Making holding space about your emotions can be extremely detrimental to your partner’s process and will leave deep damage to their sense of safety and trust.
How do I use my body and my words to hold space?
Though this will largely depend on your partner, consider both verbal affirmation and physical touch. Some partners may want to be held in an embrace while they work through the emotion. Others may only want you to hold their hand, rub their hair, or hold their feet. Others may prefer no touch at all except for sustained eye contact.
Using Verbal Affirmation
Some partners may prefer verbal affirmation while others may not. Nodding, rubbing a shoulder, and maintaining eye contact are all powerful ways to demonstrate your engagement. For significant others who wish for verbal acknowledgment, the following phrases are extremely helpful:
“I am so sorry.”
“You have every right to feel angry.”
“It is ok for you to be in your sorrow.”
“I am right here.”
“I support you and I see you.”
“I love you.”
“You are safe with me.”
“I am not going anywhere.”
It is best, however, to not say “I understand,” as often we cannot fully grasp and understand the emotional experience of another.
How Do I Create an Environment to Hold Space?
While holding space can be done anywhere, if you are able to create a peaceful atmosphere around you, this can only add to the safety of the experience. Eschewing all devices, inviting in quiet, lighting candles, and attending to lighting, are all ways to create a calming sensory environment as well. This lets your partner know that they not only have your full attention but that they are cocooned in a safe space as well.
Can I Hold Space in Public?
Absolutely. Holding your partner and offering reassuring phrases can be done almost anywhere. The importance comes in being fully present, and in honoring your partner’s emotional needs.
Does Holding Space Mean My Partner May Be Afraid of Emotions That Come Up As They Process?
Absolutely. But your ability to be reassuring in this, and be a consistent presence, is a reminder that we can both freely let feelings in and let them move through just as freely. Relationships deepen in vulnerability and courage. Being present and steadfast, especially in intense emotion, helps your partner feel less afraid of themselves.
After holding space for your partner, offer conversation, consideration, and affirmation. For example, ask if they want to talk about anything that came up in the space holding. If so, be sure to listen with compassion and understanding. Affirm their experience and remind them that you are here and supportive. Offer to get them something to drink or eat, or to hold them again if needed.
What If I Don’t Have Any Reserves To Hold Space For a Partner?
This happens; often we have hard days at the same time. Communicating this need clearly goes a long way. If your partner asks for you to hold space, and you cannot do so, this needs to be communicated compassionately. It also helps to offer a time frame for when you can be present. For example, “I understand you are triggered by your brother’s call. I would love to be able to hold space, but the deadlines for work today have completely drained me. Would you be open to me holding space after dinner instead?”
Are There Any Boundaries That Need to be Established in Holding Space?
Absolutely. When holding space for someone you should always have boundaries and it should never devolve into emotional abuse, manipulation, or name-calling. There should be no minimizing, judgment, or invalidation. There also should be no teasing, glossing over, or undermining. This is something both partners should discuss before even considering the practice of holding space. Knowing clearly what parameters work best for both of you will only lead to further intimacy, connection, grace, and safety.
I think I get how holding space works. What are some specific examples of how couples can hold space? What if I am newly dating someone—can I still hold space for them too?
Absolutely. The beauty of holding space is that not only sets up a strong foundation early on but that it can be one of the ways to gauge your partner’s emotional responses. And ultimately, it may also help you determine your compatibility. In long-term partnerships or marriages, holding space can be essential to derailing patterns that are detrimental to communication and trust.
Here Are Four Examples of Holding Space:
Example 1
You have just taken your teenage daughter to camp for the week. The two-hour drive was tense, and argumentative and left you feeling lost and doubtful about your parenting choices recently. Your partner, on seeing you both leave the house upset, decides to create space to hold space. While you are gone, they clean, light candles, and prepare dinner. When you arrive, calming music is playing and the space feels comfortable and relaxing. They greet you at the door without a word and pull you into an embrace. You immediately start to sob out of frustration and they just hold you and rocks you. There is no rush through the emotion. They do not try to give you advice, calm you down, distract you, or lecture you. They do not give their interpretation of the situation, but rather just embrace you in a way that makes you feel safe and seen. They don’t bring up anything about their day; they just allow you to be.
As far as conversation, you can both agree to talk through it later, or maybe even come up with new parenting approaches that might help in tense situations. But when you are in the crux and depth of the emotion, they allow you to feel it in utter safety. Creating an environment where you do not have to perform further emotional labor with meal prep, cooking, cleaning, or being concerned about domestic details only allows a further space of expanse and recalibration of your nervous system.
Example 2
You and your date are at the airport and it is your first big trip together. You are both nervous about it. The morning has been long and chock full of flight delays, so tensions are high. Your date suddenly realizes they forgot something they meant to bring on the trip and are clearly distressed about it. The experience reminds them of their childhood when they were frequently punished for being “disorganized.” They have talked to you about it, but it’s clear that they continue to be disappointed in themselves. They are also detaching and seeming increasingly negative. You take them to a quieter spot in the airport and ask them if they would like for you to hold space.
You embrace them and say to them quietly. “I am here. I have no judgment. We are in the present space right now. You are safe.” You allow them to breathe through the anger and the frustration, rubbing their back until they have released it. This is a practice that may feel awkward early on in dating, but knowing how each of you responds to holding space is a great indicator of your compatibility, and how you navigate emotional spaces together.
Example 3
You’ve only been on a few dates but you and your partner are really vibing with each other. This is the first time you have been deeply physically intimate, and he is not able to get an erection. He starts to shut down and feels embarrassed. You ask if you can hold space for him. You embrace him, breathe together, and move through the energy together. When the emotions have passed, you ask him if he would like to talk about it. You offer reassurance that it is entirely understandable, that you are just getting to know each other, that you have no judgment, and that it’s okay. This only leads to a deeper connection between the two of you.
Example 4
You and your long-term partner have been really struggling with communication. You are a verbal processer who takes time to come to clarity in expressing what is at the crux of your frustration. They pick up on your frustration, often interrupting, assuming your next point, or cutting you off to keep you from spiraling further into your anger. Instead of continuing the pattern, your partner now offers to hold space. They invite you to verbally share what it feels like when you are interrupted, and why you are angry. You don’t want to be held but you do want them to hold your hand.
As you share, they take nothing personally, allowing you to move through all of the chronic patterns that have gotten so entangled between the two of you. As you start to move through the emotion, they offer verbal affirmation. “I am here. I see how frustrated you are. We will work this out. I know we’ve had bad patterns in the past, but I am here. I am not going anywhere. I love you exactly as you are. We will keep working on this until we get to a place where this is not a trigger for both of us.” This leads to pattern breaking in your relationship, and the next time tensions arise, you find that they are not as apt to cut you off, nor are you as apt to go right to being highly frustrated.
Holding space takes practice and patience, but the depths of intimacy and trust that result in fostering relationship bonds and connection can be transformational in healing, leading only to more joy and understanding in partnership. To work on holding space, you can work with a Los Angeles couples therapist and learn to hold space with your partner in Couples Therapy.
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Transform your relationship with the profound practice of holding space. Whether you're navigating anxiety, and trauma, or seeking to deepen connection, this compassionate approach fosters trust and intimacy. Couples therapy offers a guided path to master this art, creating an empathetic sanctuary where partners feel heard, valued, and supported in their emotional journey. Take the transformative step towards a more profound, connected relationship by exploring holding space in couples therapy at Therapy for Adults. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
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Other Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles
At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for anyone experiencing relationship issues, not just couples. In addition to helping couples strengthen their connection in couples therapy and marriage counseling, I offer dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. I also help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. For more posts like this, check out my Blog!
