Trouble Dating Women? This One Conversational Habit Could Be the Reason
Tips from a Los Angeles Couples Therapist to Build Better Communication
If you’re someone who feels like your relationships don’t work out, or you keep running into trouble dating women, the issue might not be what you think. You may be doing something in everyday conversations that shuts down connection without even realizing it. It’s called automatic refute, and it’s more common than you’d expect.
As a Los Angeles couples therapist working with individuals and couples both in person and online, I see this pattern all the time. The good news? Once you spot it, you can work on changing it. And that change can make a big difference in how you show up in your relationships.
Key Takeaways
Automatic refute is when you unintentionally shut down or contradict a woman’s thoughts, feelings, or observations during a conversation.
It’s often part of a bigger pattern of socialized resistance, rooted in toxic masculinity and learned behaviors.
Identifying and changing this pattern can lead to stronger emotional intimacy, better communication, and more meaningful relationships.
Working with a couples therapist or dating coach in Los Angeles (or online) can help you spot this habit and start shifting it, leading to:
Stronger connection with your partner
Better success in dating
Healthier communication in all relationships
Greater self-awareness and emotional growth
A safer, more supportive dynamic for your children to witness
What Is Automatic Refute?
Automatic refute happens when someone (often unintentionally) responds to another person’s comment with a knee-jerk contradiction, dismissal, or correction. For men talking to women, this pattern can become especially damaging.
Example:
She says: “That movie was really powerful.”
He says: “Really? I thought it was kind of overrated.”
On the surface, it may not seem like a big deal. But these repeated interactions can chip away at trust and connection. Over time, it sends the message that her thoughts or experiences aren’t valid, or even welcome. Many women report experiencing automatic refutation even in early dating conversations, especially over text or on dating apps.
What Is Socialized Resistance?
Socialized resistance is the internalized, often unconscious pushback we give when something challenges our worldview or sense of control. For many men, this resistance comes from how they were raised: modeled by other men, reinforced by cultural norms, and tangled up with the ideas of toxic masculinity.
When that resistance shows up in conversations with women, it can look like:
Dismissing her opinion
Correcting her unnecessarily
Shutting down her experience
Getting defensive when she brings up how she feels
And one of the most common expressions of socialized resistance? You guessed it: automatic refute.
“I don’t do that! ” How to Know if You’re Engaging in Automatic Refute
If your first instinct is to think, “That’s not me,” you’re not alone. Automatic refutation is often so subtle and automatic that you don’t even know you’re doing it. Here’s a simple way to check in:
Start by asking the women in your life (your partner, sister, close friends, or even coworkers) if they’ve experienced this pattern with you. Let them speak without jumping in to explain or defend yourself. That pause? That’s where growth starts.
You can also reflect on questions like
Do I feel the urge to correct or “fix” what she says, even when it’s not necessary?
Do I tend to downplay or challenge emotional observations?
Am I more likely to push back when we talk about certain topics, like money or parenting?
Noticing these habits isn’t about shame, it’s about creating space to learn, shift, and build better communication.
Real Life Scenarios: Looking at Automatic Refute in Action
Often it helps to look at a hypothetical exchange to get a better idea. Here are two instances—one with a colleague and one with a partner—where automatic refutation not only presents itself but also becomes an obstacle to genuine engagement, connection, understanding, and (in regard to the partner example) intimacy:
Automatic Refusal At Work
Imagine a female employee checks over her male colleague’s report.
She says, Hey John, I noticed a few errors in that spreadsheet.
He says, Oh, I checked it over. It’s good to go.
This quick dismissal might seem small, but it sends a big message: “I don’t trust or care about your input.” From this point, the conversation could escalate into a debate, particularly if he is insistent that the document is correct. Notice how quickly he dismisses her rather than being open to the potential that there actually are errors in the document.
Now imagine this response instead:
She says, Hey John, I noticed a few errors in that spreadsheet.
He says, Oh, thanks! I checked it over and thought it looked good. Can you show me the oversights? I appreciate you bringing it to my attention; it would have been a serious misstep to submit it with these errors. Great work.
Already, the level of engagement and respect is entirely transformed. His willingness to work with her also means she will be less stressed or hesitant about bringing errors to him in the future because she knows her work will be taken seriously and not dismissed. Respect. Collaboration. Trust. That’s how healthy teams (and relationships) work.
Automatic Refusal in Relationships
Now, let’s look at a more personal example.
She says, Hi honey, I was looking over the budget, and I think we can make that trip happen after all!
He says, No, money is too tight. We can’t afford it.
Ouch. She’s trying to problem-solve and dream with him but gets immediately shut down instead of approached with curiosity. Imagine if he had responded with this instead:
She says, Hi honey, I was looking over the budget, and I think we can make that trip happen after all!
He says, Wow, really?! I’ve been so stressed about money lately, but the thought of finally going to Paris with you is so exciting. I’d love to see your numbers and talk more about it!
The contrast of this engagement is the antithesis of the above. She feels seen and validated, and her work becomes an invitation for intimacy. He feels closer to her because she is helping to hold something he’s been stressed about. He meets her with curiosity and openness rather than automatic refutation. And now they get to go to Paris!
What About Women?
While automatic refutation is often socialized more heavily in men (especially in how they’re taught to communicate and assert themselves), women can and do engage in this pattern too.
Women may interrupt, correct, or dismiss without realizing it, especially if they’ve been raised in environments where being “right” felt like a way to stay safe or be heard. In some cases, women who have had to fight for space in male-dominated workplaces or households might pick up the same resistant patterns as a form of protection.
No matter your gender, if you're consistently shutting someone down in conversation (even unintentionally), that creates emotional distance. And if both partners are engaging in automatic refutation? The result is often defensiveness, disconnection, and frustration on both sides. Couples therapy offers a nonjudgmental space to notice these patterns together, explore where they came from, and practice new ways of listening and responding that create safety and connection for both partners.
Why This Matters in Dating and Long-Term Relationships
If you’ve been struggling with dating or feel like your relationships never work out, the way you communicate could be playing a bigger role than you realize. Many women pull back, not because you're not smart, attractive, or successful, but because they don’t feel emotionally safe or truly heard.
In therapy, I often hear one partner say, “I just don’t feel like I can talk to my partner without being shut down.” And from the other side, I hear, “I don’t know why my partner is pulling away.” This is the gap couples therapy can help bridge.
How to Start Changing the Pattern
Here are a few things you can try today:
Pause before responding. Ask yourself, am I about to refute her or support her?
Get curious, not defensive. Try saying, “Tell me more about that,” or “That’s interesting. Can you explain? ”
Practice validating. You don’t have to agree to say, “I hear you,” or “Thanks for sharing that.”
Work with a couples therapist. Whether you’re based in Los Angeles or prefer online therapy, finding the right support can help you shift this pattern in a lasting way.
Ready to Communicate Better and Build Real Connection?
If you've recognized these patterns in yourself or heard them echoed by the women in your life, it's definitely not too late to make positive changes. You don't have to navigate these challenges on your own. As a couples therapist in Los Angeles, I'm dedicated to helping couples build more honest, emotionally safe, and ultimately more fulfilling relationships. Whether you're located here in the city or seeking the convenience of online couples therapy, I'm here to support your growth.
Take the first step towards a healthier relationship and contact Steven today to book your consultation.
