From Monogamy to Polyamory: 8 Steps to A Healthy Transition From a Relationship Therapist
When taking your committed relationship into an open arrangement, it is imperative that the transition be discussed with transparency, compassion, and clarity. Here are eight steps to make sure the journey is one where each partner feels respected and understood in your relationship without creating issues.
8 Steps To Transition From Monogamy to Polyamory
1) Begin by writing on your own.
Have each partner choose a journal. Spend time with the questions below—separately—over a few days. Agree on a time frame that you will be working on your responses. Maybe it is for a few days; maybe you each need more than a week. Ideally, this process should take time—it is important to ensure that both partners are fully exploring and engaged. Often, that requires reflection. For the health and harmony of your relationship, this is not a step you will want to rush:
1) Share in detail why you feel your relationship should move from monogamy to polyamory.
2) What concerns do you have for yourself regarding the transition?
3) What concerns you most about how your partner will respond to the change?
2) Discuss your journal entries with one another.
Make time—and a commitment to one another—to ensure that this is a conscious and safe conversation. Make certain that you are both well rested and not distracted by screens, interrupted by the phone, etc. If you are concerned the discussion might be triggering, or will bring up past points of frustration, this may be an opportunity to engage with a couples therapist, marriage counselor, relationship therapist, polyamory therapist at Therapy for Adults, or someone in polyamorous couples counseling.
In other words, having this conversation with a trained professional can also ensure that both parties are feeling equally heard, seen, and on board. This will set a stable foundation for both of you and allow you to move forward with confidence and security in your relationship.
3) Reflect on relationship boundaries and expectations.
What types of relationships were normalized for you as a child? Maybe the longevity of monogamy is something that you revered in your grandparent’s marriage. Maybe you grew up with parents that were openly polyamorous and discussed this freely. Were you impacted by divorce? By affairs or secrecy? Were there families that you knew that had open marriages but did not discuss it, even though others knew? Is there a legacy of failed or traumatic relationships in your family? How did all of these experiences contribute to your understanding of relationship dynamics?
At this stage, seeking out a relationship coach, relationship counselor, or relationship therapist could be especially helpful, particularly if there is unresolved trauma around infidelity. If this is the case, infidelity counseling might also prove helpful. If you have tried polyamory in your current relationship but it did not work out, it might also be wise to discuss this in a professional setting with a therapist, counselor, or coach that can guide you through the process and help you avoid past pitfalls. This leads us to step four:
4) Discuss your relationships past—gently.
While it may bring up anxiety, being clear about past relationships—and what you have learned from them—will only serve to strengthen the understanding and agreement that you have with your partner. Have you gone from monogamy to polyamory before? What was your experience like? Were there certain aspects of that transition that you particularly enjoyed or would not want to emulate again? Have you been cheated on? Been the one who cheated? If so, what was this experience like for you? How will polyamory differ from infidelity for each of you?
5) Set specific boundaries together.
Now that you have explored in writing and discussion why polyamory is appealing to your relationship, it is time to come up with parameters that work uniquely for your partnership. As before, it will be imperative for each of you to write down your boundaries so that each of can refer back to your agreements. The important thing is that both of you feel understood, respected and that there is no anxiety surrounding any of the decisions that you make together. While step one involved writing separately, at this stage you will be writing together.
Specifically, you will want to cover these in your relationship:
1) How will our relationship be prioritized over other relationships? Maybe that looks like a weekly date night for only the two of you, or a commitment to consistent communication and affirmation. Maybe it means saying “I love you,” daily or ensuring that there is allocated family time per week. Whatever it is, be sure that you both feel comfortable with knowing how your relationship will take precedence even with one or both of you dating.
2) What are the consequences if one of us strays from keeping our agreements? How will we, as a couple, reconcile this?
3) How often should we check back in with each other, and our notes, to make sure we both continue to be on the same page? For some partnerships, this may be as often as weekly or monthly, for others a longer interim is ideal.
Other areas to cover for a smooth transition:
How will we meet potential partners? Will we both date? How will online dating play a role? Would we seek out dating coaches or polyamorous events together or separately? Do you prefer I meet your partner before a date? Why or why not? Would we have an online dating profile together, as many polyamorous couples do on Feeld, #Open, Downdating, MoreThanOne, or Polyfinder? How will we resolve any feelings of jealousy that may arise? What are our rules around intimacy and STI testing? What are our boundaries as far as frequency and number of partners? How will we negotiate the ending of dating relationships within the context of our partnership? What if my partner wants to become friends with my primary partner outside of our relationship? How will we handle social events as a polyamorous couple?
Will we make our status as polyamorous couple known to our friends or family? Why or why not? Would the person I am dating be welcome in our house if you are not home? Do you prefer I only be polyamorous at certain times of the year? How would we navigate family time, kids, and the holidays? Would you be open to me traveling with my dating partner? Why or why not? Are there any financial concerns to discuss regarding spending patterns with dates and outings? What if the person I am dating is open to a threesome? Is that something you would be comfortable with? Why or why not? Will we only date other married people? Only single people? Why or why not?
6) Meet with other polyamorous couples, either in person or online.
As a couple, seek out other polyamorous couples to find out what is working for them. Ask them what their boundaries are or what advice they have to offer about making healthy transitions. Consider taking online workshops in polyamory, or attending in-person polyamory gatherings, dating events, or relationship conferences.
For more information on where to meet others that are transitioning from monogamy, consider contacting a therapist specializing in polyamorous couples counseling, or a polyamory therapist. After discussing polyamory with other couples, you may want to revisit your rules and parameters from step 5. The more you each refine and understand how you define your relationship, the stronger you will continue to be as a couple.
7) Choose your partner or partners.
Make sure, at this stage, to check back in with our primary partner as this process develops. How are they feeling? How are you feeling? It is ok to have a mix of both excitement and trepidation. Have fun on the adventure. Be sure, as you are seeking out new potential partners, that you are absolutely transparent about your relationship with your primary partner. Be sure too, that they are equally as open and clear with you about their primary partner as well. If there is a lack of transparency and clarity from a dating interest, that should be a red flag.
8) Check-in.
Be sure, in all of the excitement of meeting new people and dating, that you are checking in with your partner regularly. Compare notes. What has surprised you by this experience? Is there anything you wish you could change and why? How is this working out for each of you? Is anything in our arrangement causing you anxiety? Be sure to elaborate specifically. Revisit your boundary rules from step 5. Which ones are working out and which ones need to be tweaked? What are you learning from the experience? Have you developed a new appreciation for your primary partnership as a result?
Remember, transitioning to polyamory can be a healthy and safe option. It all depends on your willingness to hold space for your partner, your ability to keep your agreements, and your commitment to regular check-ins to be sure you both continue to be comfortable within your defined partnership.
Find Help Transitioning By Working With a Relationship Therapist in Therapy for Relationship Issues in Los Angles, CA!
If you and your partner are looking for extra guidance and support during your transition from monogamy to polyamory, look no further. At Therapy for Adults, our skilled relationship therapists are here to support you and your partner in your relationship no matter the struggle. With therapy for relationship issues, you can begin to uncover your relationship’s strengths and weaknesses to continue connecting with your partner. To get started follow these three simple steps:
Contact us to see if we would be a good match and schedule an appointment
Meet with me, skilled relationship therapist Steven Reigns
Start receiving extra support in continuing to connect with your partner!
Other Therapy Services I Offer in Los Angeles, CA
In addition to helping couples in therapy for relationship issues, I also specialize in couples counseling, dating coaching, and marriage counseling. At Therapy For Adults, I also provide services for highly sensitive people and for those struggling with anxiety. While I provide counseling services virtually throughout California, my coaching services are available to anyone in the United States. Be sure to check out my Blog to learn more!
