How to Support Your Avoidant Attachment Partner in Dating and In Long-Term Relationships: Tips From a Relationship Therapist
In both dating and committed relationships, getting to know your partner’s attachment style fosters intimacy and compassion, and ultimately leads to growth personally and within your partnership. While the three types of attachment styles are secure, avoidant, and anxious, getting to know your attachment style, and your partner’s attachment style, and understanding how they work together can only help bring more clarity and connection into your interactions.
How do you Know That the Person You are Dating or in a Relationship With Has an Avoidant Attachment Style?
Here are a few signs to look for in an Avoidant Attachment Partner:
During the conflict, they tend to pull away or shut down. This can look like leaving during the middle of an argument, becoming numb, tuning out in the intimate discussion, or avoiding potentially sensitive conversations altogether.
They generally have inconsistent communication patterns. One day they may text back with immediacy and consistency. On other days they may take long periods of time to answer texts, or they may avoid answering entirely.
They generally need uninterrupted periods of time alone. They might often pursue solitary activities as a means to recharge and reconnect. Contemplative time can be especially restorative. So avoidant attachment people might prefer solo activities like hiking, biking, fishing, or camping. In general, they lean toward activities where they can “get away from it all.”
Avoidant attachment partners can be highly passionate and deeply engaged when physically intimate. However, in the moments post-intimacy they may shut down. Or want to be alone, or struggle to articulate their emotional state.
While these are just a few examples, many of these responses and actions can leave anxious attachment partners feeling triggered and confused and can leave secure partners bewildered. It may help the future of the relationship to seek out a dating coach, couples therapist, marriage therapist, or couples counselor.
Online couples counseling or online therapy, in general, can also prove helpful. If you are a highly sensitive person or experience anxiety because of avoidant attachment traits, working with a relationship therapist, relationship counselor, or relationship coach might also help to illuminate typical behaviors within the avoidant attachment. Additionally, an anxiety therapist--or a professional who treats anxiety symptoms--may also be a resource to consider.
Questions to Ask Your Avoidant Attachment Partner From a Relationship Therapist
So, how can you support a love interest that has an avoidant attachment style? Here are a few questions to ask your avoidant attachment partner. Or the person you are dating that may seem to ascribe to an avoidant attachment style. Be sure to be open, curious, and patient as you listen to their responses. And, consider not asking the questions below all at the same time:
What brings them the most comfort and security in dating and relationships?
How do they thrive on time alone and time as a couple? What does that balance look like for them? Are there specific activities that they prefer to do alone? Gently encourage them to be detailed. Maybe they enjoy running alone but prefer to share mountain climbing and hiking.
Maybe they thrive on working on house repairs within a relationship but prefer to pay bills solo. It may take some discussion for them to realize what alone-time activities they are drawn to, and which they prefer to share in the company.
What causes them to feel trapped or overwhelmed?
This is a highly sensitive question for a lot of people who have avoidant attachments, and it may be a question that you are not able to fully explore in one sitting. For some, it may be a relief to share this, for others, this question could cause some anxiety.
Remind them that you are there to be supportive, not to judge. Again, encourage them to be specific. Maybe long text messages cause them to shut down. Maybe they don’t like to have deep relationship discussions late at night, or after time with family.
How has having an avoidant attachment style impacted their relationships?
Be sure to explore friendships, family connections, and past romantic relationships. Did a relationship go south because they felt overwhelmed by having to continually initiate sex? Did they feel put upon when their time became too scheduled? How did they handle texting and communication? How did they repair after an argument?
Are there certain parameters they have set that help them feel more secure in how they interact? For example, do they have a family rule about how often they speak to their parents on the phone? Do they refuse to check email after certain hours because it compromises the time that they need to decompress? Are there friends they only get together with occasionally because they feel stifled by too much interaction with them?
Once You Have Asked These Questions, Consider Discussing How You Can Both Support Your Dating Partner and be Certain That Your Needs are Met at the Same Time
Establish ground rules that you both can feel comfortable with.
If dating, maybe you can agree that there won’t be any text exchanges when your partner is out with friends or is pursuing a solo activity. Maybe you volunteer to only send a check-in text after the workday but not during. The important thing is to make certain that your avoidant attachment partner feels supported, while at the same time, you feel that your needs are being met too. In a long-term partnership or marriage, the ground rules might look a little different. For example, maybe you agree only to text your partner at work if there is an emergency.
Maybe you agree to make a meal plan for the week and decide who will cook on what night so that your partner has downtime nights to look forward to. Perhaps after sex you agree to shower together as aftercare, but have a rule about not cuddling for the night. Whatever ground rules you establish, be sure that you are both able to honor them without resentment.
Encourage schedules where your partner has plenty of time alone, and make sure they are aware of when those times will be.
Sometimes, just knowing there are blocks of free time to look forward to lessens the stress and anxiety of an avoidant attachment partner. If you are dating, you could offer details about your schedule for the week. For example: “I have a ton of meetings and travel scheduled from Monday to Thursday, so I will send you a text to say good morning each of those days, but I don’t think we should plan on getting together until Friday night after I have had some time to rest.”
Sometimes offering a brief check-in can help an avoidant attachment partner feel seen and acknowledged without making them feel as if they have to be overly engaged. In a long-term relationship, you could intentionally set a time to be sure your partner has a break. For instance: “ I see you have been working extra hours this week and I can tell your social battery is running low. I know we agreed to go over the budget this weekend, but I thought you might prefer to go on a bike ride alone on Saturday instead.”
Offer reassurance to your avoidant attachment partner.
Undoubtedly in many relationships, your partner has not felt supported because of their attachment style. Reminding them that you are here to work together goes a long way. If you are dating and just getting to know each other, remind them that you want to understand and support them in how they communicate. If you are in a long-term relationship, notice and affirm how your avoidant attachment partner makes an effort to connect.
Maybe in the past, they have gone right to watching TV after work rather than checking in about their day, but recently have started coming home to make dinner unprompted and inviting you to help. By choosing to engage versus associate, your partner is working on intimacy skills, and affirming these can only lead to more growth between the two of you.
Encourage responsibility.
Even though your avoidant attachment partner may need to disengage or have time alone, it does not mean that it is okay to disassociate, shut down, or eschew difficult conversations. Encourage them to be aware of when they are choosing behavior that is not helpful to themselves or to your relationship.
Remind them that you can support them in their growth, but part of their commitment to themselves and the relationship is also to work on refining choices that have been hurtful in the past.
The more you and your partner are able to understand and affirm what is normal for avoidant attachment styles, the more growth you can potentially experience as a couple. Being aware of patterns that cause friction as well as ones that cause bonding is crucial. And, being certain to understand and respect your partner’s need for space—while a challenge—can ultimately be a gift to both of you.
Start Couples Counseling in Los Angeles, CA to Better Understand Your Partner’s Attachment Style!
If you're looking to understand and strengthen your relationship with an avoidant attachment partner, find support at Therapy for Adults. Take a proactive step towards building a deeper connection by seeking couples counseling that specialize in attachment styles. Discover the tools and insights necessary to navigate the unique dynamics of your relationship, fostering secure attachment, open communication, and a stronger bond with your partner. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact me today for a free consultation
Meet with me, couples and relationship therapist Steven Reigns
Begin connecting with your partner and create a stronger bond!
Other Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles, CA
At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for anyone experiencing relationship issues and looking to connect with their partners, not just couples. This includes dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. Additionally, I help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life, as well as anxiety therapy for those struggling to manage their anxiety symptoms. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California.
