Gifting: How to Keep the Peace in Partnership, Tips from a Couples Therapist
While the practice of gift-giving can be a source of joy and delight, sometimes it can come wrapped with an unexpected addition: tension and resentment. Gift-giving practices, perceptions, and expectations are often tied to our fundamental belief systems about giving and receiving pleasure and affirmation. And, often the nuances of these differences—especially when not consciously addressed—can lead to friction, grief, and exasperation in partnerships, setting the stage for disconnection and shutting down. Taking a look at gift-giving rituals with a couples therapist is an essential way to set up healthier and more conscious intentions behind gift-giving—and it may even save you money in the long run. Let’s gently untangle why gift-giving can present such a loaded source of emotion for couples.
First, consider the number of gift-giving occasions that occur throughout the year. While there are family holidays - and occasions like Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Valentine’s Day and anniversaries - there are often other personal milestones you observe as a couple, as well as intermittent gift-giving occasions like graduations, baby showers, or housewarming fêtes. Additionally, there are not only societal expectations around gift giving, but also one’s own expectations of how gift-giving should look within the relationship. Taking this into consideration, lets follow a few additional steps for a more specific view into your personal relationship dynamic as it relates to gifts:
Make a list of all of the gift-giving occasions you and your partner experience throughout the year
Beginning with January, go week by week and list any event that involves gift exchanges, both between you as a couple, and within family and friends. Be sure to include both annual occasions as well as more personal ones. For example, do you celebrate only your wedding anniversary or do also commemorate the day that you met? Your first date? The date you proposed? How do you observe birthdays of relatives, or dates for relatives that have passed? Do you also honor other hallmark days? Sobriety anniversaries? Dates when you moved into your house? When you left a job? Push presents for childrens’ births? Be sure to take account of regional and cultural celebrations as well. Having these dates in one place is essential to understanding the overall planning, decision-making, and emotional and mental labor of arranging gift-giving opportunities.
Next, draw up two columns for each date you have recorded
In the first column, list societal or generational expectations of gift-giving. In the second, list personal expectations of gift-giving. Let’s take holiday celebrations as an example. Maybe for Christmas under family expectations, you have written that your family traditionally only gives one larger, more expensive present versus a number of smaller gifts. Maybe your spouse has listed that part of holiday celebrations is receiving gifts that aren’t material but that are only experiences—i.e. money toward a vacation, curling lessons, a spa day, etc. Maybe one of you has a family tradition where everyone receives a certain item of clothing every year, a certain collectible, or a certain food as part of the celebration. Be sure to be as specific as possible in your list.
In the second column, write down your personal expectations for that particular celebration. Let’s take another example: consider how your birthday is celebrated. Maybe in the first column you have written how your parents—who live long distance—insist on mailing material gifts that you are obligated to open with them on a Facetime call. However, under personal expectations, maybe you have said what matters to you is to open gifts quietly, without all of the fanfare. Maybe you prefer gifts that are more technology-oriented while they tend to send clothes or house-related presents.
Establish a safe space and share your lists and observations with your partner
You will notice as you begin to discuss your lists that a lot of deep-seated emotions may arise—holidays where you were disappointed around gifts, gifts that brought impactful and sacred memories, gifts that were not appropriate or elicited shame or guilt in some way, celebrations that had to be on hold due to money concerns, etc. Maybe there were traditions around gift-giving that exasperated you or made you feel uncomfortable; maybe other traditions were so beloved that you want to ensure to keep them going in your own family. This is where working with a couples counselor becomes especially important. As triggers and traditions often go together, sussing out the sources of tension or impasse is an important way to ensure gift-giving can be a peaceful, joyful, and understood process moving forward.
In particular, being able to discuss your disappointments and frustrations around gift-giving (and receiving) in a safe space—unimpeded by defensiveness or reactionary statements—is why a couples therapist is ideal to help with this process, ensuring that future holidays and celebrations are not fraught with tension and resentment. Additionally, by discussing gift gifting and receiving—and clearly communicating ones’ needs within that conversation— with a couples counselor can only lead to a better understanding and deeper source of intimacy in your partnership.
Let’s look at an even more specific example to see how it might resonate with your experience. Under “wedding anniversary,” maybe you and your partner both are in accord with not embracing societal expectations around commemorating this event. Maybe each of you grew up in families that had a rigorous observation practice: that each yearly anniversary be honored by the traditional gift for that anniversary year. For example, the fifth anniversary means that your gift to one another is wood, silver, or sapphire; or that your tenth anniversary had to be observed with a gift of a diamond. This is a place where you both feel a sense of harmony and accord; it offers a sense of bonding because it is a tradition neither of you wishes to continue, and, as a couple, you can stand resilient against family expectations. However, when you both look at the personal column for wedding anniversaries, maybe this is where you notice deviations in your expectations. Maybe one of you doesn’t want a material anniversary gift, only a thoughtful and intentional card, and time together at a romantic dinner. Maybe one of you is determined that each anniversary should be marked by a weekend away at a new travel destination to celebrate. Maybe one of you prefers to exchange a yearly gift that has special meaning to each of you – jewelry, a certain type of food or clothing, an addition to your home.
Identify emotions that come up in discussion together and with a couples therapist
As the first spouse shares their list, be sure to identify the potential emotions behind the symbolism of the gift: “I really enjoy taking an anniversary trip every year versus exchanging gifts. To me, travel means that we are continuing to plan together for adventures and experiences. And, since I do not enjoy shopping, this is a way we can celebrate us without me devoting time to finding a gift that I am not sure you will enjoy.” A couples therapist can help the partner expressing these needs to be better understood by the partner listening, especially if there is resentment, anger, or frustration involved. For example, what if the partner listening does not enjoy travel or feels it's too expensive to do yearly? What if they feel that travel is a way for their partner to escape putting the effort into an intentional gift? What if the travel in previous years has been active adventures—white water rafting, mountain climbing—while this partner prefers low-key vacations, like reading on the beach? A couples counselor can help the person expressing their wishes feel validated, but also help the listener in this situation be able to safely express their reservations around how their partner sees gift giving.
Part of the conversation around gift giving also involves observation of rituals and gift-giving intentions. In looking at commemorating an anniversary, maybe one partner prefers to celebrate both the first date and the wedding anniversary. Maybe the other partner feels overwhelmed by honoring both. Working on new traditions to honor each partner is also an ideal point of discussion for a couples counselor. It is important to remember that observing holidays or anniversaries can be an opportunity to be creative, and to establish new rituals that are impactful to each of you, and ultimately help each of you feel loved and seen. Maybe the first date celebration becomes taking a drive and grabbing a coffee at a shop you used to frequent in the early days of your relationship. Maybe it is going back to the place you first met and setting plans for your next year together. Maybe you agree to a big celebration on the first date, where your wedding anniversary is more low-key - say looking at wedding photos together, rewatching wedding videos, or cooking a dish based on your wedding menu.
Take on questions that arise around gift-giving rituals
As far as gift-giving intentions, this is another area that often elicits profoundly deep responses in partnerships. Working with a couples therapist will help each spouse understand where gift-giving rituals have been celebrated joyfully or have not been successful and caused turmoil in the past. Here are a few important questions to consider:
Have I, knowingly or unknowingly, dismissed my partner’s needs by getting a gift that I felt “was a better fit” even when they told me openly which gift they preferred?
How does my partner feel about questions like “What do you want for ________ “? Do they prefer to give me a list of potential ideas or do they prefer to be surprised? Do they consider it too much mental and emotional labor to offer suggestions? Are they hurt when I ask planning questions or do they like to be involved?
Have I overspent on a gift hoping to please my partner? How has my conditioning factored into this?
Have I ignored my partner’s requests when they mentioned that they did not want a gift or fanfare around how a gift was presented?
Did I give a gift that was more about my own desires than what my partner might actually prefer?
Do I listen (and make record of) small details that help me become a more savvy gift-giver for my partner?
Is gift giving or receiving a love language for my partner? For me?
Does my partner enjoy receiving gifts? Do I enjoy shopping for them? Why or why not?
How has my partner’s response with our past gift-giving experiences impacted how I currently share gifts with them?
Have family traditions or ex-partners caused me to resent gift-giving? Why and how?
Has my gift caused additional labor or decision fatigue? For example, do I bring flowers that still need to be cut and arranged in a vase? Did I make dinner but fail to clean up? Did I buy technology that needed set-up or required intervention and not help my partner with this part of the gift? Did I surprise my partner with plane tickets for a trip but neglect to set up hotels, rental cars, and excursions?
Did I give a gift that someone else suggested versus what my partner really desired?
Did I give a gift because family pressured me to do so or because “everyone should have one of these?”
Did I give a gift that was unintentionally hurtful to my partner? For example, did I bring pastries to my gluten-free partner? Did I set up a Kindle subscription when my partner prefers to read books in print?
Sharing presents in relationships gifts us the opportunity to deepen intimacy and understanding if both partners are willing to take a hard look at their conditioning and expectations around giving and receiving gifts. Working with a couples therapist can help reroute patterns around gift-giving that may be driving a wedge into your partnership, and ensure harmony for holidays and celebrations moving forward. Do not wait until the holiday or occasion rises again to repeat past patterns of behavior. Instead, plan ahead and be proactive by consulting a couples counselor – in this way you are able to ensure that the next gifts you give (and receive!) will be met from a place of far greater connection, communication, and harmony.
