How Can Rituals of Connection Help My Marriage?
Rituals of connection – or consistent practices of engagement – are a way to not only deepen the intimacy and bond of your marriage, they are also a steadfast force to fall back on during challenging times in a partnership. Working with a couples therapist to look at how rituals of connection are either feeding or impeding your connection is an essential way to proactively work on growth and awareness in your relationship.
Most couples have rituals of connection without being conscious of many of them. However, becoming more conscious and working on those practices together is an exciting, creative, and fun way to work with a couples therapist. For example, let’s consider an often overlooked ritual of connection: the language that you and your partner share that is unique to your partnership. Most couples, over time, develop their own dialog of references – using humor, inside jokes, bantering, playing with tone, or code words – as a way to deepen their connection. Knowing that your partner “gets it” just by using a certain phrase or memory in conversation can often serve to diffuse tension and re-route conversations into a place of harmony versus a sense of division. Gestures, glances, or even certain expressions contribute to this sense of knowing and mirth, and it can be a place of true discovery and connection within a relationship. Consider what ways language plays a role in how you feel connected to your partner: Are there movie quotes you have interwoven into your conversations? Are there certain mannerisms, dance moves, or silly takes that you both thrive on? How long have these been a part of your relationship? How have they morphed over the years? Are they practices you continue? Why or why not? What code words and language are you most grateful to have with your spouse? Why or why not?
In the same way that we build our own language as a couple, we also build on daily routines or practices that foster a feeling of being understood. By spending time looking at these practices—and working not to take them for granted—we can have a better sense of what we are not only offering our partner but what we are offering the health – and lifetime trajectory-- of a marriage too. This is also where couples counseling comes in. Working with a couples therapist not only will help each of you to identify your rituals of bonding—it is also an invitation to be creative in how you connect, and to look at ways that you might not be fully affirming or appreciating one another. A couples counselor can help you better understand how your rituals have or have not been serving you, and also offer areas of connection that you may have not previously considered or overlooked.
Let’s take a look at some areas where you may want to work on rituals of connection, particularly in regard to communication.
How do you begin each day together?
Do you both roll over in bed to scroll through your phones? Jump out of bed because you are on different schedules? The way that day begins often sets the tone for everything else to come. Setting an alarm earlier to give you both cuddle time before “go time” is one way to connect; kissing each other good morning is another. However, the possibilities for morning ritual connection are endless; they just might require a bit of creative thinking. Even if one partner is on a different schedule than the other, you can each still agree that one partner can kiss the other before they head out without waking them. Maybe you both rise and meditate together, go for a run together, or one person brings another coffee while you verbally review the day’s schedule. Not “morning people”? Maybe the agreement is after a shower and coffee you have a five-minute conscious hug before heading out for the day. Maybe you both read to one another or turn on the same music to wake you both up. Whatever your ritual to begin the morning, knowing that your partner is there to connect with you—steadfastly and intentionally—each day offers a sense of comfort, security, and peace to each of you before the demands of the day come rushing in.
How do you communicate and connect throughout the day?
This ritual of connection can be severely impacted depending on the attachment styles of each partner. Anxious, avoidant, and secure attachment styles all require attunement within how communication creates connection, and understanding and communicating one another’s boundaries is crucial to fostering a sense of ease and security within the relationship. When rituals of connection get out of balance, or are not met with consistency--particularly as each of you is going throughout the day--it can lead to impasses and friction between your connection, which could, in turn, be a detriment to how you connect at the end of the day. This is an ideal place to share your concerns—and successes—with a couples therapist, and to take a closer look at how communication brings you closer or drives a wedge:
How do you prefer to be contacted by your spouse during the day? Are direct phone calls only for emergencies, or do you both enjoy a phone chat on the commute home to decompress about the day before seeing one another?
Does your partner not mind phone calls at work as long as they are kept within a certain time frame? Do they prefer texts? Why or why not?
Have texts between you both become too clinical—comparing schedules, going over bills, and itineraries for the kids? Why or why not?
Do you or your spouse prefer to receive one text message with all the details or are you open to multiple smaller text messages?
What is the expected length of time for each of you to respond to one another over text? Do you enjoy a text back and forth or not? Where has this caused friction?
Are there certain times of day you cannot text your partner? How has this impacted your relationship? Do you agree with it?
What text rituals keep you feeling connected? As in the couples language example we mentioned above, what phrases, emojis, and memes do you all share to reassure one another? Make one another laugh? Offer affirmation? When was the last time you shared something like this over text with your spouse?
When was the last time you used text in a creative way? Surprised your spouse texts sharing dinner reservations out of the blue? Photos of your honeymoon to remind them of a favorite adventure? Offered a random text of affirmation or love? Shared an inspiring anecdote, passage, or quote to offer support?
How does your partner feel about receiving racy messages over text? Is that something you both agree on? Why or why not?
Do you both prefer not to connect during the day over text or phone calls but instead have a standing in-person lunch date? How has this contributed to your relationship health?
What during-the-day routines from your dating life do you miss or want to re-establish in your relationship now? Which ones have you both held on to?
While these questions are only a start, discussing these aspects of your relationship with a couples therapist often provides a greater understanding of where you both can ensure you are honoring one another’s communication boundaries--and being fun and creative in how you connect at the same time.
How do you end the day together?
Your ability to connect as a couple at the end of the day is largely impacted by how you connect when you start the day and throughout the day too. Often, we are with our partner in person at the end of the day, which often gives us a litmus test to understand how we are feeling within the relationship. Most likely this is where each partner is tired, needing to wind down, and may have little energy left in the tank. How we each show up for one another—and our understanding of each partner’s boundaries—becomes especially crucial. What rituals do you have in place to connect at the end of the day? Do you both enjoy having a vent session over a glass of wine before making dinner? Have you both been looking forward to connecting in person all day due to how you connected throughout the day—a hilarious or erotic text exchange, for example? Does one partner anticipate the other—i.e. do they bring home dinner as a surprise to help alleviate the other partner’s mental or emotional load? Does one person require space before connecting? How has this affected the relationship? How do you greet each other when you walk in? Is there a commitment to always hugging or having a kiss? Does your partner honor this? Does your partner project their mood/bulldoze when they have had a stressful day? Do you both eat dinner separately or not connect conversationally?
Making sure that you discuss rituals that wrap up the day is just as important as discussing how you begin the day. Encouraging one another to be creative, and to dialog openly in a safe space about connection is imperative to the health and future of your sense of harmony as a couple. If you are noticing moments of friction or impasse this is an ideal time to address this with a couples counselor, as the disconnection may also be a result of rituals that have been observed—or not—throughout the day. And, knowing that you and your partner can encourage each other, and work on boundaries that contribute to each of you feeling loved and seen, is one of the greatest fruits of steadfast rituals of connection.
