Hitting Send: What Happens When Disconnected Texting Shows Up in My Relationship?
While in-person communication offers further insight into our partner’s body language, tone, and non-verbal cues, texting as a form of communication can often present challenges between couples. This is especially true if we have developed habits or routines based on past trauma, family history, social conditioning, or previous interactions with your current partner. While we all ultimately wish to be in a state of accord and understanding with texting, understanding your partner’s use of text, your response to it – and your attempts to repair after conflict – is important to the harmony and growth in your relationship. At times, texting can become an impasse between couples. This is where working with a couples counselor can be highly effective in ensuring that you both are working together to re-reroute detrimental habits or communication that is leading to you both feeling resentful, disconnected, or misunderstood.
Let’s take a look at how different responses to a scenario might impact a text exchange. Let’s also look at what have might led to this type of text engagement. As you read through these responses ask yourself how many you have experienced? How many responses like these have you given? How did you feel during and after those text exchanges? Taking a hard look at what prompted these behaviors with a marriage therapist is a great way to begin teasing apart the role that disconnected texting plays in your relationship.
Scenario: let’s say you and your partner had planned to see a movie, but you have just found out your college roommate is only in town for the night. Excited, you want to change plans. Let’s take a look at a healthy attempt at engagement and nine different unhealthy or triggering responses, along with a tenth healthy response. Here is the original text:
“Hey love. I just found out my college roommate is in town, just for tonight. I know we planned to see a movie – and can’t wait to see it with you! – would you be up for catching it tomorrow night instead? Extra cuddles after! I am hoping this will work for you. I apologize for the last-minute ask and I am hoping you understand too. I love you and please let me know your thoughts so I can make plans.”
Response 1: Avoidant; unable to voice needs:
Text recipient (TR): Sure, whatever
Original Texter (OT): You sound upset? Are you ok with this?
TR: *thumbs up emoji*
OT: I am confused. Do you want me to cancel?
TR: It is fine. Quit making such a big deal out of it.
Takeaway: TR does not answer OT’s inquiry, avoids and dismisses the conversation, and refuses to get an answer, causing OT to be frustrated and confused about the situation. Further, “Quit making such a big deal out of it” is a deflection, and an attempt to make the sender feel bad about the request. Nothing gets resolved here, and the sender is left not wanting to ask for what they need in the future because they have been painfully shut down when they were excited. They might also feel judged by the deflection. If TR is hurt by the decision, or is not pleased about the ask, it is important that they speak up for themselves. Often, however, especially when their needs have not been met in the past, TR feels their only course of action is to downplay their disappointment or potentially make the sender feel confused or upset by their lack of engagement. Sometimes, this can be a way for TR to “punish” OT in an attempt to control.
Response 2: Avoidant; changes subject and ghosts
TR: Cool. Have fun. Did you get the oil changed?
OT: Yes on the oil. Are you ok with this? I wanted to be sure you were; I know we were really looking forward to the movie.
TR: The car is making this knocking sound. I have to get it checked out now.
OT: It sounds like you are not ok with this but I can’t tell?
TR: *ghosts for hours*
OT: Hey, I hate to keep pressing but I don’t want to make plans until I know you are ok?
TR: *continues to ghost.*
Takeaway: TR intentionally leaves OT in a state of ambiguity, whether that is to avoid having to make a decision, to communicate, or to prioritize something that takes their mind off of the change of plans. The ghosting can especially be harmful as it leaves OT unable to decide on plans or understand their partner’s emotional state.
Response 3: Avoidant; convenient ghosting or truly ignoring phone
TR: no response
OT: (after a few hours) Hey, just checking in?
TR: continues with no response
OT: Ok, so I decided not to see them. I was not sure if you were ok with it and I was really hoping to have an answer from you. Now I feel rude because I didn’t answer them for so long. Is everything ok?
TR: Hey sorry, I was not by my phone. I am free for our movie though
Takeaway: It is important to note that TR could have legitimately been away from their phone, especially if they frequently do not check messages regularly. However, TR’s response also lacks accountability or concern for OT’s time. Additionally, TR could have seen the initial text and been avoiding the scenario altogether. No matter what, the scenario causes a fracture in trust. It causes OT to wonder if TR is telling the truth about not seeing their phone. Did they purposely wait, hoping OT would cancel plans so that they didn’t have to give an answer? Depending on the context of the relationship, this is also a manipulative behavior that could lead to a pattern of OT not being sure if they are getting the truth from TR. Not knowing which is the case – and not being clear and transparent with one another - is not an environment that fosters safety or trust.
Response 4: Anxious
TR: Oh no! I really wanted to watch that film with you though!
OT: Me too! But I also don’t have to go. Your input is important to me on this.
TR: It’s just that when you change plans like this it makes me feel that I am not important to you.
OT: You are absolutely important to me! I love you and that is why I wanted to check in for your thoughts; I have not changed any plans just yet.
TR: Yes, but you want to change plans though. I just really wanted to spend time with you and now I am worried you don’t feel the same about me anymore
Takeaway: This exchange could go on for some time as the anxious recipient doesn’t want to say no, but is clearly feeling rejected by their partner wanting to potentially change plans. The texter, having to reassure the anxious partner, may eventually cancel seeing their friend as a way to appease their partner. This is where resentment can build, too. The anxious partner may genuinely not be able to decide how they are feeling about the situation. They may be triggered, stuck in freeze mode, or allowing past interactions or conditioning to cause them to feel confused and rejected, even when that is not the case. They may be unable to see that the OT was genuinely excited about seeing their friend and was checking in with their partner out of consideration, not out of an attempt to cause anxiety.
Response 5: Deflecting
TR: I mean yes, but it seems like you are asking for a lot lately
OT: I didn’t know you felt that way. We definitely need to discuss that then. I was just so excited they were in town but didn’t want to change our plans until I heard from you
TR: Yes, but I am really sick of how plans always seem to change anymore
OT: Again, I am not sure what you are referring to. I really want to be sure we talk about that more. I can’t tell from your texts where you are with this? Do you want to keep our plans?
TR: You always seem to be confused with how I feel. It is a pattern. Also, I had to clean up the kitchen again. You know I hate it when you stay over and leave a mess.
OT: I apologize for the kitchen; I was in a rush. I am confused about what you mean by the rest. Are you upset or?
TR: Stop making this into something its not
Takeaway: TR immediately responds with something accusatory and then refuses to elaborate, only continuing to deflect from their own feelings and the original conversation. OT is left confused, unclear with what the situations TR mentions are, unsure of TR’s emotional state, and still without an answer to the original question. Additionally, TR continues to bring in other scenarios – the dirty kitchen – in an attempt to derail OT’s original ask or to attempt to make them feel guilty in other ways.
Response 6: People Pleasing
TR: Oh that is so cool! I know you have not seen them in ages!
OT: Thanks, love. I am so glad you are ok with this!
TR: Absolutely, your happiness means the world to me and we can pick another time.
OT: You are the best! Love you!
TR: (decides not to answer because they are secretly furious that OT asked to change plans.)
Takeaway: Rather than communicate that they are upset, hurt, or disappointed, TR says what they feel OT is looking to hear. This could be because TR feels unsafe to express their true feelings, are not able to express their feelings due conflict avoidance, or truly wants to be supportive but does not know how to mitigate their disappointment along with supporting the change in plans. Because they do not adequately express their needs, this can lead to resentment from both sides, in addition to passive-aggressive behaviors like ghosting, pretending to be supportive when they are truly not, or neglecting their own needs for the sake of perceived harmony in the relationship. People pleasing can be especially insidious, causing OT to feel gaslit for not knowing their partner’s true feelings, and causing TR self-resentment because they are not able to express what they are truly feeling.
Response 7: Projection
TR: Wow. You know how much I wanted to do movie night. Why would you even think this was ok? I had the worst day at work and now this. I am just sick of everyone and everything. Go. Have fun.
OT: Hey! Wow, I had no idea that you had such a bad day at work. Do you want to talk it out? Also, yes of course I was looking forward to movie night; I said that in my text. And of course its ok for me to ask; your thoughts matter to me too. Please do not tell me to have fun if you do not mean it.
TR: Stop trying to pretend that you care. You don’t. Like I said I am pissed. I am going out. Do whatever you want.
OT: Can we please discuss this?
TR: There is nothing to discuss. I am sick of everyone canceling on me and everything going wrong, and now you are adding to it too. I thought you were different.
Takeaway: While TR may genuinely have had a bad day, their generalizations and defeatism – Have fun – are not healthy responses, and could, in fact, be indicative of future verbal abuse and reactivity. They are so caught up in projecting their anger onto their partner that they are unable to see that the ask was made out of consideration, not as a way to add to their misery. Their language is filled with judgment and pushing their partner away, a pattern that will very quickly escalate into increasingly unhealthy and controlling dynamics.
Response 8: The interrogator
TR: Which roommate? Where are you going?
OT: (names roommate). Just to dinner – nothing fancy.
TR: How late will you be out? Where are you going after?
OT: Not going anywhere after; they have an early flight. I should be back by 10. Are you ok with me going?
TR: Yeah, if its that one roommate I am not ok with this. They are trouble.
OT: Its not; it is the other one. But I am still unsure about how you feel about this? Can we reschedule our movie night?
TR: I have a hard time believing there won’t be bar-hoping and clubs after. Isn’t this roommate single still? I don’t trust that.
Takeway: The interrogator is so caught up in questioning and suspicion that they don’t even see they are avoiding the question and stalling. The more the questioning goes on, the more the OT gets frustrated not only by the lack of response to the initial question, but to TR’s skepticism. It is a dynamic that feels parental, unhelpful, and is a deflection from the original question. It could be that TR hopes OT will feel guilty by all of the questioning and cancel, but regardless, it leads to insecurity and a lack of safety in communication.
Response 9: The competitor
TR: Ok, but then I am going out with my friends if you are going out with your roommate.
OT: Ok? I didn’t think this was a competition?
TR: You are getting what you want, now I am getting what I want.
OT: I want to see my roommate of course, but I also wanted to see the movie with you.
TR: I wanted to see the movie too, but I see what is truly important to you, so now I am going to do what I want to do too.
Takeaway: The competitor is often aggressive – or passive-aggressive – and feels they need to mirror or “one up” their partner due to the perceived slight. This is an unhealthy dynamic based in power and lack of being able to communicate other than in a “tit for tat” capacity
Response 10: Grounded, regulated, self-aware
TR: Oh man! We have been talking about movie night for weeks – and you know we have that little bet about the car chase scene too. I have to be honest, I am really bummed. I mean, I totally get it as I know how much you have missed your roommate. And I am super excited for you; I cannot wait to meet them. I will move through my disappointment of course, but I am so glad you came to me about this. I love you too. And I know we will find ways to make up for it – I am totally taking you up on the cuddles after.
OT: I am so glad you understand - thank you! I knew you would be bummed about the timing – I am too! And yes, I cannot wait for you to meet my roommate. (Just wait until they tell you their version about the clocktower story on Halloween!) I appreciate you so much, and I love you right back! And hell yes on the cuddles! And you better be ready for me to win car scene bet – there is a pasta dinner at stake. Cannot wait to see you and hug you in person tomorrow. I will text you when I get home tonight. Xoxox
Takeaway: OT and RT both clearly share their feelings even when that may be hard to do. They also interject humor and reassure each other by mentioning previous conversations about the movie. They also affirm their relationship with a mention of how they will connect physically, building anticipation and setting the bond for the next time they see each other. They offer gratitude to one another – RT for being asked the question, OT for being understood – and are certain to both mirror each other with “I love you” in affirmation.
While any text exchange can offer a myriad of response possibilities – maybe an anxious responder is also an interrogator for example, or a partner who projects is also deflecting – the key is being aware of your particular text patterns with your partner. Texting habits can add joy and connectivity to a relationship, reinforcing affirmation and the feeling of being understood. They can add humor and closeness as you develop your own text jokes and language. However, unhealthy texting patterns can also drive a wedge between you and your partner, allowing resentment and anger to build, and ultimately leaving you both frustrated and disconnected. Working with a couples therapist on your text communication is an essential way to create a safe space for growth and progress. Understanding where you have struggled with texting in the past is also crucial to discuss with a marriage therapist who can help you identify your patterns, give you tools and resources to alter them, and can help with ways to create more harmony in communication with your partner.
