A Los Angeles Couples Therapist Weighs In: The Top 10 Things Couples Wish They Knew Earlier in Their Relationship
For some relationships, by the time both partners reach the point of seeing a couples therapist, there has often been a cumulative and chronic build-up of resentment, wounds, or impasses in communication. While much can be reconciled in learning new patterns, releasing conditioning, self-work, and accountability, for many couples there is also a lot of regret. What aspects of their relationship could they have worked on better with couples therapy before the progression of tension? If they could go back in time, what would they tell their younger selves? How can a Los Angeles couples therapist help with resources to be sure that you both continue to feel close to one another and jettison past patterns that have not been working for you?
Recognizing the Signs: Addressing Relationship Issues Before They Escalate
Here are the top ten things that couples wish they had known earlier in their relationships:
How to speak in “I” statements.
Learning to communicate emotion calmly and effectively may be an acquired skill for couples. If either of you grew up around volatile relationships or arguing, being able to slow down and communicate from a place of “I” versus “you” is a relationship changer. “You never make time for us anymore” has a very different feel than “I am feeling very frustrated and sad over the lack of time we spend together lately.”
Not using binary language.
All-or-nothing language is often a go-to in the heat of conflict. But saying “you always” or “you never” - or making blanket statements - is a surefire way to drive a wedge into your communication and closeness. It also shows that you both may be generalizing each other’s habits, rather than carefully regarding what has set you off in the first place. Taking a close look at patterns that have formed in your relationship requires not making assumptions about one another.
Incorporating open-ended questions and being curious about one another.
Often, when we settle into the routine and stress of day-to-day, we forget to step out of the grind and initiate a sense of play or mirth. We neglect to see our partner as a multi-faceted and complex human being who is on their own journey just as we are. Making intentional time to listen, or asking questions of your partner that you might have once overlooked, goes a long way.
Part of this also is noticing and seeing your partner. “I know I have not taken much interest in the car detailing project you have been working on. I am curious. Tell me why you chose the color that you did? What tools are you using to detail? Can you show me how that works?” Even if your partner’s interest is not your interest, watching them light up in joy over what they are passionate about can only lead to deeper intimacy between you both. And, as a bonus, you may find that you enjoy learning more about your partner in the process too.
How to offer affirmation.
Along these same lines, noticing your partner, and being sure to communicate that you see them, goes a long way to creating a sense of safety and intimacy for both of you. Yes, it may require some practice, but this is where a couples therapist can help give you both ideas and take a look at the role affirmation plays in your relationship: “I notice that you have been putting in extra hours at work a lot lately. Thank you for all that you are doing for us and our family. I appreciate how hard you are working. How about I make your favorite dinner and we schedule some downtime this weekend?”
5. Having regular family meetings or check-ins.
Getting caught up in the day-to-day can also mean we get disconnected from our higher purpose, and from commitments we made to each other at the beginning of our relationship. Setting an intentional time each week to go over your schedules (short- and long-term), revisit and talk through any tensions that came up in the past week, and make tandem decisions on issues goes a long way to each of you feeling that you are part of a team effort. By having a regular practice, you are also building a foundation of consistency and respect for one another’s time, and giving yourself space to talk through any impasses before they become places of resentment.
6. Understanding the different types of intimacy.
We tend to think of intimacy only as physical connection, however, knowing and understanding the five types of intimacy is incredibly important to the health of your relationship. While there is physical intimacy (which involves sexual connection, affection, and honoring one another’s touch thresholds), there are also four other types to consider: emotional, spiritual, social, and intellectual. Spending some time with your partner and a couples therapist, and understanding how you are or are not connecting with each other in each of these areas, is essential to maintaining harmony within your relationship.
7. Knowing how to apologize and be accountable.
Saying “I’m sorry” is often not a true apology. Knowing how to observe the situation that caused the conflict, discuss the situation with your partner by creating a safe space, take accountability for your actions, and then – crucially – work to not repeat the behavior, takes time and practice. Additionally, knowing and understanding why non-apologies do not work is also important. “I am sorry you feel that way,” is not an accountable apology for example. While an accountable apology takes steps toward healthy change. Working with a couples therapist to know how to apologize is a great way to repair your relationship.
8. Knowing how to repair.
Often, when there is deep-seated tension between couples, it can be due to an inability to repair effectively after conflict. Being able to talk through emotions and moods that come up for you and your partner, and create a safe space while doing so, is only one part of repair. The other requires coming back to a place of ease, where you both feel you have been able to share all of your concerns and that you have been as hard as possible.
Often, some of the closest couples repair by going to places of comfort after the discussion has concluded. This could be turning to humor or recalling inside jokes with one another to re-establish closeness, for example. This could be initiating an action that brings comfort and closeness to you. Going for a walk, sharing a massage, cooking together, or playing a game you both enjoy. Whatever it may be, having rituals of repair is just as important as being able to have clear communication.
9. New patterns take time.
Often, especially when there have been years of frustration, one partner may decide they are going to work on new behaviors and patterns. While they may do so consistently, they may also be expecting this newfound change will immediately “fix” their partner. Any time a new pattern is brought in, it takes time for the other partner to trust the switch. While this can prove frustrating to the partner doing the work – “but I have helped with cooking dinner for the last few weeks!” – often it is about patience and not expecting everything to “get better” immediately.
10. Decision fatigue.
Knowing and understanding how decision fatigue operates in your communication is critical. Decision fatigue happens when one or both partners are fielding questions and having to make decisions beyond a certain threshold. Often this leads to nervous system dysregulation, outbursts, or shutting down in an attempt to feel less chaos. Working with a couples therapist to examine how decision fatigue is impacting your partnership can be transformative. Often, couples are not even aware of the role decision fatigue plays, especially when it is attached to weaponized incompetence, gender stereotypes, or generational/familial conditioning.
Moving Forward: How a Los Angeles Couples Therapist Can Help You Build a Stronger Relationship
Knowing and understanding these top ten areas, and how they show up in your relationship, is a great place to start in working with a couples therapist at Therapy for Adults. By knowing and identifying patterns early on with couples therapy, you and your partner have the tools and resources to keep your relationship from developing – or feeding into – habits that could lead to regret.
Find Support in Your Relationship With The Help of a Los Angeles Couples Therapist
If you and your partner are feeling stuck in patterns of tension or miscommunication, couples therapy in Los Angeles, CA can provide the tools and guidance to reconnect and heal. Don’t let unresolved issues create more distance—take the first step toward a healthier, more fulfilling relationship with the help of Therapy for Adults. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact me today for a free consultation to see if couples therapy is right for you
Begin meeting with me, Steven Reigns, a skilled Los Angeles couples therapist
Start creating a healthier more fulfilling relationship!
Other Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles
At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for both individuals and couples. So, in addition to helping you create a healthier and more fulfilling relationship with your partner in couples therapy, I also offer dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. Additionally, I help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. Check out my blog for more articles!
About the Author
Therapy for Adults is a boutique counseling practice specializing in nurturing healthy relationships. Led by Steven, a Licensed Therapist, who has over a decade of experience, our practice offers tailored therapy sessions for individuals and couples. Using an eclectic and evidence-based approach, we empower our clients to deepen emotional intimacy, resolve conflicts, and cultivate lasting connection, and fulfilling relationships.
