How Giving Mood Warnings Can Increase Intimacy and Decrease Arguments With My Partner: Tips From a Los Angeles Couples Therapist
When we are in a state of nervous system dysregulation or reactivity, often giving our partner a mood warning goes a long way to creating a pathway for clear and supportive communication. Sharing a mood warning requires the practice of self-awareness, and as couples begin to implement this for themselves and in their connection together, it becomes an inherent – and loving – way to respond to one another.
Learning how to implement mood warnings into communication with your spouse with the help of couples therapy is a great way to ensure deeper intimacy, trust, and consideration. If you are wondering how mood warnings can become a part of your relationship vocabulary, calling on a Los Angeles couples therapist for guidance is a crucial step.
What is a Mood Warning?
A mood warning is a way to provide your partner with a cue, or a heads up, about your emotional state, your current headspace, and your energy level, and how these all may impact your ability to communicate effectively with them. By giving your partner an indicator of where you are, you pave the way for you both to have deeper compassion and respect boundaries of communication with one another. However, learning these practices can often be a challenge, and that is where role play or discussion with a couples therapist can offer illumination and understanding. In addition, feeling more emotionally aligned with your partner also leads to deeper emotional connection and safety, which in turn only ignites—and nurtures—your desire for one another.
Let’s look at a specific scenario where a mood warning creates a deeper connection:
Your partner has been up for most of the night with a sick child. They are unable to take the day off of work and are fatigued, capped out, and feeling guilty that they cannot stay home with the baby. Previously you both had planned to go out to dinner, but with a sick kiddo, this is now impossible, and there was no time to grocery shop which means there is little to cook in the house. At dinner, you both had planned to discuss an upcoming vacation, including budget and scheduling details, something you both had been looking forward to.
Without a mood warning:
Your partner may be defensive, shut down, or exasperated. They may try to have the vacation discussion anyway to save face but may listen with half an ear. In their exhaustion, they may agree to details about the trip “just to get through it.” They may surrender to the overwhelm of emotion, lash out, or withdraw. They may get angry, resentful, or brooding. The other partner, who has been anticipating a happy and excited discussion about the trip, may feel emotionally betrayed, resentful, or angry that their partner is unable to have the originally intended discussion. They may be impatient, pushing to follow through on booking hotels and flights. It is easy to see how quickly this scenario could escalate into a full-blown argument.
With a mood warning:
The first partner, even in exhaustion, takes a minute to check in with themselves and to see where they are. They are able to note that they are tired, feeling guilty about not being able to stay home, and sad about the fact they have no capacity for a long discussion. They are also distracted because the child is not feeling better and they are thinking they may need to make additional doctor’s appointments.
They are feeling irresponsible because they did not have a backup plan for dinner, and they are stressed because the workday was not as productive as it needed to be. Additionally, they had to take on the mental labor of canceling dinner reservations that they were looking forward to. They also skipped lunch, which has left them hangry. By acknowledging their emotional state, and also where their partner might be, what could have once been an argument now turns into a way to connect with one another.
Begin by acknowledging the circumstance: “Babe, I know we agreed to go out to dinner tonight and make plane reservations together for vacation. I was really looking forward to this and I know you were too.”
Share the mood warning with your partner: “I hardly got any sleep last night and have been struggling to think clearly all day. I am also really worried about our kiddo. I really want to be able to enjoy our trip planning together. I am also hungry and grumpy, and I know if I made any decisions now I would fixate on the challenges versus the joys of our trip – for example, being concerned about the budget versus being excited about scheduling wine tastings and booking theatre tickets.”
Offer an alternative and state needs as part of this: “Would you be open to us moving our dinner until the weekend? Or, if we have to make certain reservations tonight, would you take the lead on getting a takeout dinner, and then maybe we could agree to book flights tonight and do the follow-up planning later? Also, I will need to get better sleep, so if you could do the bedtime routine so I could go to bed earlier, I would appreciate that.”
Giving your partner cues like this goes a long way to fostering trust, and respect, and creating an emotionally safe and grounded environment for your relationship. However, each couple has different needs and dynamics, so discussing mood warning practices with a couples counselor is an ideal way to work on how they may bring you closer.
Affirm your spouse: (a note for the receiving partner): As the partner who receives – rather than gives – the mood warning, be sure to offer acknowledgment and affirmation to your partner for sharing. Often, initiating a mood warning can create a state of vulnerability or insecurity as to how the other person might receive the information. Reassuring your partner that you are a safe space in the midst of mood warnings also leads to a better connection for both of you. How might this look?
“I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I was also looking forward to our dinner out tonight but of course, I understand. I am happy to help with the bedtime routine and I will get pizza for dinner. We won’t need to book plane reservations until the end of the week, so no concerns there. And even though tonight didn’t work out, I still can’t wait to take that trip with you. We have so much to look forward to.”
How Do I Begin to Understand My Own Moods and State of Mind Before Communicating Them to My Partner?
While a couples therapist will have great strategies in terms of how to flex your self-awareness muscle, there are certain steps you can take in the meantime to work on becoming more in tune with your mental and emotional states:
Learn to observe and identify your emotions by feeling where you are presently in your body. For example, let’s say you are feeling an emotion you would typically dismiss as anger. You feel a tightening in your chest and a tension in your jaw. However, you realize that you skipped lunch, your team is behind schedule at work, and you are just ready for the day to be over. Is the emotion presently where you are, or are you just hungry and dehydrated? Is the emotion anger or is it more precisely frustration coupled with anger? Do you notice consistent patterns? For example, do you feel this same kind of emotion during certain periods of the day? The week?
Pratice grounding yourself within the emotion. In the example above, being sure you have a snack and stay hydrated is essential. Maybe you are also proactive and decide to change your teams’ deadline so that you aren’t having the usual time-of-day frustrations. Maybe you also do some deep breathing work or get outside for a few minutes to clear your energy. Befriend the emotion, and rather than trying to drive it away, ask it what it is there to tell you.
Share a mood warning with your partner, even if you feel you can’t exactly pinpoint your mood is. Sometimes, the greatest gift we can give is the attempt to communicate our state of mind. A compassionate partner who knows your patterns and habits may also be able to offer further insight:
“Honey, I just wanted to let you know I had one of those afternoons again at work. I know part of my frustration or anger is related to how I keep skipping lunch, so I am going to start packing energy bars to take to work when I feel that slump. I did not do that today, so I just wanted to let you know I may not feel up to cuddling or having long chats tonight. Also, my team is really frustrating me with the continual management changes and I am feeling powerless to smooth it over. I don’t want you to solve or fix anything, and I don’t want to field a lot of questions about it. I am just going to need some space and rest.”
Don’t turn a mood warning into catastrophizing. Giving a mood warning does not mean jumping headlong into a vent session or coming to your partner as an emotional dumping ground. Let’s take a quick look at the difference:
Mood warning: “Just a heads up. I am really bummed about the game being rained out. Please do not try to offer alternative plans; what I need most is a quiet night to decompress. I will think about rescheduling for another time.”
Emotional dumping: “Why does this always happen when I need a break? The game is rained out again and now I don’t get to go. Everyone is in town and now no one wants to get together. Work has sucked, I am behind schedule with everything of course, and once again my Dad keeps calling to complain about the landscaping issues. I am just so over everything.”
Being able to communicate openly with mood warnings is a fantastic way to establish deeper emotional intimacy, and a sense of safety, and to derail arguments and conflict. Consulting a couples therapist at Therapy for Adults on how to identify your emotions, how to share them in mood warnings, and how to implement the practice of mood warnings in your relationship leads to more harmony, a more engaged sense of connection, and a deepening of trust between you and your partner.
Communicate and Deepen Trust With Your Partner With The Help of Couples Therapy in Los Angeles, CA
Enhance your relationship with deeper intimacy, trust, and consideration through the practice of mood warnings. If you're in Los Angeles and wondering how to integrate this transformative communication tool into your relationship, seeking guidance from couples therapy is the perfect step. Contact a Los Angeles couples therapist at Therapy for Adults to start fostering a more emotionally connected and supportive partnership. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
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Other Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles
At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for individuals and couples. So, in addition to helping you communicate with your partner in couples therapy, I also offer dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. Additionally, I help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. Check out my blog for more articles!
About the Author
Therapy for Adults is a boutique counseling practice specializing in nurturing healthy relationships. Led by Steven, a Licensed Therapist, who has over a decade of experience, our practice offers tailored therapy sessions for individuals and couples. Using an eclectic and evidence-based approach, we empower our clients to deepen emotional intimacy, resolve conflicts, and cultivate lasting connection, and fulfilling relationships.
