What is Tolyamory? What do I Need to Know About Tolyamory? Insights From a Couples Therapist

Tolyamory, coined by podcaster and sex and relationship columnist Dan Savage in January 2024, combines the terms “tolerate” and “polyamory.”  Simply put, it is a partnership in which extramarital or sexual encounters happen outside of the relationship without formal discussion or agreement. In other words, in order to maintain the marriage, one or both partners “put up” with non-monogamous behavior but do not openly acknowledge it. 

Because tolyamory is based on a lack of communication and overt consent, it can potentially be detrimental and damaging to a relationship. However, it may also be a way for couples to feel a sense of security in how to define their relationship too.  No matter how tolyamory may present in your partnership, talking with a couples counselor is one way to determine if this unspoken agreement is right for your marriage. Let’s take a look at a few questions that often arise around tolyamory:

How do I know if I am in a tolyamorous relationship?  

As tolyamory is based on an avoidance of discussion and acknowledgment, often couples have not clearly agreed that this is how their relationship is defined.  At the core is this question: am I aware that my partner has sexual relationships outside of our marriage? And, how do I feel about this?  In addition, does the partnership feel safe, connected, and secure, or are lingering doubts and questions impacting our ability to feel a sense of trust and connection with one another?

Within these questions are additional considerations: are both partners involved in non-monogamous behavior but do not discuss it? Are extramarital connections about a power dynamic? How does the lack of discussion impact the intimacy between the two of you? Your sense of trust? Are there certain aspects of tolyamory that you have had a conversation about but not others? For example, is there an unspoken rule that out-of-town flings are acceptable but not local trysts?  

Navigating the waters of what it means to be tolyamorous can be extremely challenging, but ultimately talking to a couples therapist is a surefire way to be certain that both parties feel seen, heard, and acknowledged within the relationship dynamic, even if they are unwilling to discuss details of their tolyamorous partnership with one another.

What is the difference between tolyamory and cheating? 

Because our understanding of the term tolyamory is relatively new, many would argue that it is a “scapegoat” word, or an excuse to normalize or endorse cheating. For others, tolyamory is a way to define a relationship dynamic that works for both partners.  However, at the heart of understanding tolyamory is how each of you feel about the health and security of your relationship. To suss out what constitutes cheating and what is considered tolyamory may be highly specific to different relationships, and what may have worked in past partnerships may not hold for future ones.  

Some questions that may arise in understanding the difference between cheating and tolyamory are:  does being tolyamorous make me feel my partner is hiding emotional authenticity from me?  Why does my partner feel more comfortable with the term tolyamory over open discussions of polyamory? What about sexual health, STI testing, birth control - and consent over these discussions?  How often will we be intimate if we are both tolyamorous? Can we choose to be tolyamorous and still be supportive of one another in our sexual explorations outside of the relationship?  What if one person wants to bring fantasies, sexual wisdom, or new techniques to our marriage that they have learned from other partners? What if one partner chooses to be tolyamorous and the other does not?  

All of these questions are great starting off points for work with a couples therapist. By being clear where each of you stand within your agreements – or illuminating areas where there is lack of transparency – you can be sure to put the health and peace of your relationship at the forefront. 

Is my partner using the term tolyamory to avoid accountability?

While some couples may find defining their relationship as tolyamorous allows them a sense of understanding and security, for others using the term tolyamory could potentially be a way to avoid deeper discussion about long-term relationship dynamics. Determining how both partners perceive tolyamory – and the embracing of, or moving on from it – is an ideal jumping-off point for couples therapy. 

Often, when we are confronted with accountability, we tend to become defensive, disassociate, deflect, or deny. If any of these are either partner’s response when accountability about sexual connections arise, this is an ideal time to call in a couples counselor. The way we each see intimacy – and feel loved within our connections – is highly impacted by social conditioning, what has been normalized by example (or lack of it), religious or familial upbringing, past relationships and wounds, our relationship to ourselves as sexual beings, our perception of the role that sex and fidelity play within our partnership, etc. A couples therapist will help each of you to calmly tease apart how accountability and avoidance are potentially playing a role in how you relate to tolyamory. 

Can tolyamory help with sexual or desire incompatibility?

For couples that have experienced desire discrepancy or sexual incompatibility, tolyamory – or more open discussions of polyamory or ethical non-monogamy - may offer a way for both partners to feel more in harmony with one another. Interestingly, in order to come to an understanding about the role that tolyamory plays in your relationship, openly addressing how you communicate together  - with a couples therapist - may be an imperative to your relationship. For example, one partner may see marriage as a union driven by family, emotional connection, and trust versus physical intimacy, while another may not feel seen within a partnership unless there is consistent sexual connection. Or, both partners may feel extremely compatible in terms of how they move through the world, financial commitments, travel, and career, but not feel particularly sexually compatible. Perhaps, in a relationship where one or more partners identifies as asexual, tolyamory can be a positive, or even affirming, concept to embrace. For others, desire incompatibility may signal deeper challenges in the relationship, and tolyamory may be a way to avoid vulnerable and authentic conversation. By bringing these issues to a couples therapist, each of you will be able to determine if you are making decisions based on love and the long-term health of your relationship. 

What are potential concerns in identifying as tolyamorous? 

 Ironically, defining your relationship as tolyamorous - and committing to not disclosing details about extramarital sexual encounters – may need to begin from a place of deep discussion about what being tolyamorous means to each of you. Some questions to consider are: 

• What are our boundaries around being tolyamorous?  Am I allowed to share details about my sexual adventures with you if I feel I wish to, or is keeping all information to myself a hard line?  What if you ask about my encounters or want to know more? What if I want to ask about yours? What if I want to be polyamorous while you prefer to be tolyamorous?  Can I share with my other partners that you and I are tolyamorous? Why or why not?

• Is there a power imbalance?  Am I choosing to be tolyamorous because I feel I am not seen or heard in our relationship? Am I choosing this to “get back at” my partner for a lack of connection, whether emotional, spiritual, physical, or mental?  What role do lying and deception play in our relationship? Do platonic hookups without emotional connection outside of my relationship make me feel more connected to my spouse? Is this a healthy dynamic for both of us? Do I use sex as an avoidance tactic? Do I prefer sex for only physical release versus emotional connection? Am I hooked on the novelty of flirtation turning into liaison or could I be secretly looking for emotional validation outside of my marriage? Is one spouse agreeing to tolyamory to appease the other, or are they genuinely consensual about the prospect?  Has one spouse “given up” on the other, or is this “a last resort” to save the relationship?  Does one person deny affection or engagement to force the other into tolyamory? Is one partner financially dependent on another and does not feel they have a say in their spouse’s decisions?

• Are we properly prioritizing our relationship? In other words, if you both agree to be tolyamorous, it is important not to make the assumption that your relationship won’t be affected, and to not take one another – or your commitment – for granted. For example, what happens when family obligations prevent time with extramarital partners?  How will you each navigate if the liaisons become too emotionally involved?  What about phone calls, texts, and communications with lovers?  Do you prefer to have numerous tolyamorous connections or do you prefer one consistent tolyamorous partner? How will that impact your primary relationship?  What happens if one or both of you start to feel disconnection with each other?  How will you repair and reconnect? 

• How is this impacting our original vows to one another?  As relationships evolve, so do boundaries and expectations. However, if discussions of tolyamory are impacting your original commitments to one another, this is a vital area to discuss with a couples therapist.  Maybe your relationship began as monogamous, then went to ethical non-monogamy, and now one partner wants to be tolyamorous.  Maybe you both tried polyamory but it was not a fit.  Does one spouse feel strongly about monogamy while the other prefers to be tolyamorous?  Will you both be able to agree to tolyamory while still feeling connected and safe together?  How is tolyamory either adding to your connection or detracting from it? What renewed commitments will you both make to one another?

While adjusting to the concept of tolyamory is not particularly new – relationships have been defined culturally and historically by various levels of communication and fidelity – looking at its impact on your partnership requires discernment and awareness. Being sure to put your relationship at the forefront and advocate for your connection to your spouse is an essential foundation. Exploring tolyamory – and your acceptance of it or your resistance to it – is important to navigate with a couples therapist. Building trust, confidence in your union, authentic connection, and empathy for and with one another is paramount to nurturing – and maintaining – a healthy relationship dynamic.