What is Tolyamory? What do I Need to Know About Tolyamory? Insights From a Couples Therapist

Tolyamory, coined by podcaster and sex and relationship columnist Dan Savage in January 2024, combines the terms “tolerate” and “polyamory.”  Simply put, it is a partnership in which extramarital or sexual encounters happen outside of the relationship without formal discussion or agreement. In other words, in order to maintain the marriage, one or both partners “put up” with non-monogamous behavior but do not openly acknowledge it. 

Because tolyamory is based on a lack of communication and overt consent, it can potentially be detrimental and damaging to a relationship. However, it may also be a way for couples to feel a sense of security in how to define their relationship too.  No matter how tolyamory may present in your partnership, talking with a couples counselor is one way to determine if this unspoken agreement is right for your marriage. Let’s take a look at a few questions that often arise around it:

How do I know if I am in a tolyamorous relationship?  

As tolyamory is based on an avoidance of discussion and acknowledgment, often couples have not clearly agreed that this is how their relationship is defined.  At the core is this question: am I aware that my partner has sexual relationships outside of our marriage? And, how do I feel about this?  In addition, does the partnership feel safe, connected, and secure, or are lingering doubts and questions impacting our ability to feel a sense of trust and connection with one another?

Within these questions are additional considerations: are both partners involved in non-monogamous behavior but do not discuss it? Are extramarital connections about a power dynamic? How does the lack of discussion impact the intimacy between the two of you? Your sense of trust? Are there certain aspects of tolyamory that you have had a conversation about but not others? For example, is there an unspoken rule that out-of-town flings are acceptable but not local trysts?  

Navigating the waters of what it means to be tolyamorous can be extremely challenging, but ultimately talking to a couples therapist is a surefire way to be certain that both parties feel seen, heard, and acknowledged within the relationship dynamic, even if they are unwilling to discuss details of their tolyamorous partnership with one another.

What is the difference between tolyamory and cheating? 

Given its recent emergence as a term, the understanding of tolyamory varies significantly. Some view it critically as a euphemism for infidelity, while others consider it a valid relationship structure for consenting adults. Ultimately, the essence of it lies in the individual perceptions of relational health and security within the partnership. The boundaries between tolyamory and infidelity can be nuanced and specific to each relationship, and what was acceptable in past relationships may not be so in the future. Key questions arise when exploring this dynamic: Does it lead to a sense of emotional concealment from one's partner?

What are the considerations around sexual health, STI testing, contraception, and mutual consent in this context? How does intimacy within the primary partnership evolve under it? Is it possible to be tolyamorous while still offering support for each other's external sexual explorations? What happens if one partner wishes to integrate experiences from outside the relationship into the primary one? And what if one partner embraces tolyamory while the other does not?

All of these questions are great starting off points for work with a couples therapist. By being clear where each of you stand within your agreements – or illuminating areas where there is lack of transparency – you can be sure to put the health and peace of your relationship at the forefront. 

Is my partner using the term tolyamory to avoid accountability?

While some couples may find defining their relationship as tolyamorous allows them a sense of understanding and security, for others using the term tolyamory could potentially be a way to avoid deeper discussion about long-term relationship dynamics. Determining how both partners perceive this – and the embracing of, or moving on from it – is an ideal jumping-off point for couples therapy. 

Often, when we are confronted with accountability, we tend to become defensive, disassociate, deflect, or deny. If any of these are either partner’s response when accountability about sexual connections arise, this is an ideal time to call in a couples counselor. The way we each see intimacy—and feel loved within our connections – is highly impacted by social conditioning, what has been normalized by example (or lack of it), religious or familial upbringing, past relationships and wounds, our relationship to ourselves as sexual beings, our perception of the role that sex and fidelity play within our partnership, etc.

A couples therapist will help each of you to calmly tease apart how accountability and avoidance are potentially playing a role in how you relate to tolyamory. 

Can tolyamory help with sexual or desire incompatibility?

For couples experiencing differences in sexual desire or sexual incompatibility, exploring tolyamory – or having more open conversations about polyamory or ethical non-monogamy – can be a path towards greater harmony. Interestingly, understanding the role any of these arrangements might play in your relationship often necessitates open communication, ideally facilitated by a couples therapist.

For instance, one partner might prioritize family, emotional closeness, and trust over physical intimacy in marriage, while another may feel unfulfilled without consistent sexual connection. Similarly, couples can be highly compatible in many life areas like finances, travel, and careers, yet experience sexual incompatibility. For partners who identify as asexual, tolyamory might even be a positive and affirming choice. However, for others, desire incompatibility could indicate deeper relational issues, potentially serving as a way to avoid vulnerable and authentic conversations. By discussing these issues with a couples therapist, you can both determine if your decisions are rooted in love and serve the long-term health of your relationship.

You also asked, "How Can Rituals of Connection Help My Marriage?" Rituals of connection play a vital role in strengthening marital bonds. They transform ordinary moments into significant ones, fostering fond memories and a shared sense of purpose. These rituals create a feeling of safety and support, increasing emotional intimacy and commitment.

What are potential concerns in identifying as tolyamorous? 

Ironically, defining your relationship as tolyamorous - and committing to not disclosing details about extramarital sexual encounters—may need to begin from a place of deep discussion about what being tolyamorous means to each of you. Some questions to consider are: 

• What are our boundaries around being tolyamorous?  Am I allowed to share details about my sexual adventures with you if I feel I wish to, or is keeping all information to myself a hard line? What if you ask about my encounters or want to know more? What if I want to ask about yours? What if I want to be polyamorous while you prefer to be tolyamorous?  Can I share with my other partners that you and I are tolyamorous? Why or why not?

• Is there a power imbalance? Am I choosing to be tolyamorous because I feel I am not seen or heard in our relationship? Am I choosing this to “get back at” my partner for a lack of connection, whether emotional, spiritual, physical, or mental? What role do lying and deception play in our relationship? Do platonic hookups without emotional connection outside of my relationship make me feel more connected to my spouse? Is this a healthy dynamic for both of us? Do I use sex as an avoidance tactic? Do I prefer sex for only physical release versus emotional connection? Am I hooked on the novelty of flirtation turning into liaison, or could I be secretly looking for emotional validation outside of my marriage? Is one spouse agreeing to tolyamory to appease the other, or are they genuinely consensual about the prospect? Has one spouse “given up” on the other, or is this “a last resort” to save the relationship? Does one person deny affection or engagement to force the other into tolyamory? Is one partner financially dependent on another and does not feel they have a say in their spouse’s decisions?

• Are we properly prioritizing our relationship? In other words, if you both agree to be tolyamorous, it is important not to make the assumption that your relationship won’t be affected and to not take one another—or your commitment—for granted. For example, what happens when family obligations prevent time with extramarital partners? How will you each navigate if the liaisons become too emotionally involved? What about phone calls, texts, and communications with lovers? Do you prefer to have numerous tolyamorous connections or do you prefer one consistent tolyamorous partner? How will that impact your primary relationship? What happens if one or both of you start to feel disconnected from each other? How will you repair and reconnect? 

• How is this impacting our original vows to one another? As relationships evolve, so do boundaries and expectations. However, if discussions of this are impacting your original commitments to one another, this is a vital area to discuss with a couples therapist. Maybe your relationship began as monogamous, then went to ethical non-monogamy, and now one partner wants to be tolyamorous.  Maybe you both tried polyamory but it was not a fit. Does one spouse feel strongly about monogamy while the other prefers to be tolyamorous?  Will you both be able to agree to tolyamory while still feeling connected and safe together? How is tolyamory either adding to your connection or detracting from it? What renewed commitments will you both make to one another?

While the idea of adjusting to relationship structures like tolyamory isn't entirely novel—history shows varied levels of communication and fidelity—carefully considering its impact on your current partnership is crucial. Prioritizing your relationship and openly communicating your needs with your spouse forms a vital foundation. For those wondering if couples counseling can help navigate such complex dynamics or save a relationship, the answer is often yes, providing the right guidance and tools for connection and healing. Take the next step towards a safer and stronger relationship, contact us today.