Why Don’t My Relationships Last? Helpful Answers From a Los Angeles Couples Therapist
Believe it or not, when you get to the stage of asking yourself, “Why don’t my relationships work out?” you are already on the way to answering your own question. Why? The fact that you have taken time to step back, reflect, and notice a pattern is the beginning of being able to initiate real change. By doing so, you are not only setting yourself up to find long-term partnerships, but you are also taking a healthy leap into your own growth. Couples therapy in Los Angeles, CA can provide the support you need to understand these patterns more deeply, offering guidance and strategies to build stronger, more fulfilling relationships.
Why Don’t My Relationships Last Long?
To begin to really understand why you may have struggled with relationship dynamics, let’s take a look at a few factors. Undoubtedly, as you consider each of these questions, patterns and further questions will emerge. However, working with a couples therapist to examine what is behind your particular story will not only help you understand your choices better, but it will also help you instill practices to establish effective change. Let’s take a further look at the question:
What Are Some of The Top Reasons Relationships Rail?
Lack of personal awareness.
Congratulations! The fact that you are here and reading this indicates that you have a willingness – and a desire – to see why you may have struggled with long-term relationships, with commitment, or with the steadfast practices necessary to maintain relationships. Though it can be a challenge, examining ourselves and our accountability within our partnerships is the first step to really understanding why we choose the behaviors we do – whether consciously or unconsciously. Often, looking at the times we feel we have failed can be painful – we remember the hurt we went through, we face the hurt we may have caused others in the process, and we have to admit to ourselves the consequences of our decisions.
The easy route is to cast blame or make the ending of the relationship solely about the other person. Unfortunately, this practice is all too common, and ultimately leads to very little growth or understanding, not only for you but for the people that are in a relationship with you. While it may seem daunting to take a look at past relationships that didn’t last, examining the role we played within them is a crucial gift – it sets us up to have more loving, connected, and therefore successful relationship dynamics in the future. Couples therapists are expertly skilled at offering support as you work through personal awareness, and can offer signposts along the journey to help you better understand your choices and decisions.
Family or societal conditioning.
If we grew up with family members who blamed one another – or outside sources – for relationship failures, it can be a challenge to own up to how our personal decisions factored into our own relationships not succeeding. Did you grow up in an environment where you heard phrases like, “Well, of course, we cannot save money. Look at your father! He’s so irresponsible with spending.” Or, “Your mother never made time for our family. I am hardly surprised we got divorced; she never prioritized us.” Or, “School was always more important to your grandparents than anything else. It’s no wonder all of my relationships have failed. I was never taught how to interact with people properly.” In all of these scenarios, notice not only the deep anger and frustration of the speaker but also the lack of accountability that each one takes. What if the message had been, “Dad and I have always had our money challenges. I consider his spending reckless, but at the same time, I don’t ever address the issue with him. I was taught never to discuss spending patterns in my family, so I just become silent, withdrawn, and angry rather than talk it out with him.” In this case, the mother takes accountability by looking at how she contributes to the issue.
While she is not responsible for the overspending, she is responsible for her own behaviors – and her choice to not have an open discussion with her husband to see where they might be able to come to an accord. By looking closely at the messaging we receive through our families, we might better understand why we have struggled with relationship longevity. Other questions to ask yourself might be: what role does fidelity or infidelity play in my family? What are my family’s perceptions of marriage and divorce? Is there undue pressure about being in a long-term relationship that I am rebelling against? Are my parents so happy and in love that I am afraid I will never find the same? Do I shut down with my partners after the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it gets “too real?” Do I retreat at signs of conflict? How did my parents influence my communication dynamics? Do I feel safe to express my concerns with my partner?
Perpetuating the fantasy.
Often, we get caught up in relationship fantasies we have built up over the years. Fueled by romance in media and art, by happy partnerships we’ve witnessed in friends and family, by aspects of past lovers that we miss and wish to experience again, and by our notions of what a soul mate or twin flame energy might be, we may go on with unrealistically high expectations of our partners. While boundaries and preferences are important to note and understand, talking through our fantasies about what a relationship should be – and who we consider our ideal partner to be – with a couples therapist is an essential way to begin to see where our vision may have served us and where it has held us back. Let’s look at a few areas this encompasses: have you ended relationships at the first sign of conflict because the effort of “working through it” overwhelms you? Have you become so fixated on certain aspects of a “dream partner” that you cannot connect in a relationship?
For example, do you write off a relationship because you have shared interests that are at odds? Because of physical appearance, financial status, or habits that you find frustrating? Have you looked to a potential partner to perform emotional labor so that you do not have to be accountable for your own setbacks? Have you only sought out partners that are agreeable and compliant, only to shut down when they set a boundary because you feel a loss of control? Are you pressured in your current relationship to stay together because of belief systems or because you are worried about how others might think or respond? Many times, focusing on a “perfect partner” is a trauma response – by dreaming up someone we think might “rescue” us, we are able to temporarily escape our current reality. While it is a coping mechanism, it is also not setting up a truly connected dynamic for a partnership.
Poor communication practices.
Effective communication is a practice. Learning how to communicate with our partner, how to connect safely, and how to repair after conflict is one of the foundations of a healthy and secure partnership. All of the factors we mentioned above also play a role in how we communicate – accountability, conditioning, and perpetuating the fantasy. Learning our partner’s rhetorical preferences and patterns also goes a long way to creating an environment of harmony, trust, and intimacy. For example, let’s say you like to bring up the “to-do” list right before bed. It helps you anticipate the next day and get organized for it. By contrast, your partner cannot hear the “to-do” list before bed because it keeps them from being able to unwind. By respecting your partner’s boundary to not discuss the list before bed, you create an environment that supports their request and ensures they are more likely to get a good night's sleep. Of course, discussing the list is still important, but maybe you find a time that works for both of you – say at dinner instead, or over text on your commute.
Either way, working together versus being intractable goes a long way toward relationship harmony. If you have struggled with staying in relationships long-term, it may help to look at how your patterns of communication have affected your ability to establish intimacy and trust. A few questions to consider: are you consistent with texting? Do you remember to pause and listen in conversation or do you find yourself frequently interrupting your partner? Do you shut down and stonewall when upset? Do you lash out and become defensive when a partner brings a concern to you? Do you feel overwhelmed or trapped when there seems to be too much communication in the relationship? Do you feel that your partner wants to know too many details about your social life and whereabouts? Do you consider communication to be exasperating and a waste of time? Talking through your beliefs about how you handle discussion, connection, and checking in with a couples counselor is crucial to understanding why you may have struggled to maintain long-term partnerships or marriage.
Embracing Self-Reflection for Stronger, Healthier Relationships
Though it can be a challenge to admit patterns and our role in the success or failure of a relationship, doing so is crucial. It helps you better understand yourself, fostering growth and true change. Additionally, it paves the way for sustained partnership and deeper connection. Just by asking yourself the tough questions – why don’t my relationships work? – you are already on your way to ensuring that future ones will. Find support in your relationship with the help of Therapy for Adults.
Find Support With Making Your Relationships Last With Couples Therapy in Los Angeles, CA
Are you ready to uncover the patterns that might be impacting your relationships? Our experienced couples therapist at Therapy for Adults can help you explore the underlying issues and develop strategies for healthier, more fulfilling connections with couples therapy. Take the first step towards lasting change and a stronger partnership by following these three simple steps:
Contact me today for a free consultation to see if couples therapy is right for you
Begin meeting with me, Steven Reigns, a skilled Los Angeles couples therapist
Start making your relationships last!
Additional Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles
At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for individuals and couples. So, in addition to helping you make your relationships last in couples therapy, I also offer dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. Additionally, I help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. Check out my blog for more articles!
About the Author
Therapy for Adults is a boutique counseling practice dedicated to fostering healthy relationships. Led by Steven, a Licensed Therapist with over a decade of experience, we provide personalized therapy sessions for individuals and couples. Through an eclectic, evidence-based approach, we help clients enhance emotional intimacy, resolve conflicts, and build lasting, fulfilling connections.
