Six Ways to Affirm Your Partner From A Los Angeles Couples Therapist
How many times have you been frustrated with a repeating pattern in your relationship? Going to couples therapy in Los Angeles, CA but still struggling with certain issues? Have you noticed that you go from calm to boiling over on certain topics such as cheating, financial arguments, communication issues, and sexual issues? Sometimes the most effective way to move through scenarios like this is to break the pattern that causes it in the first place. What are some ways that affirmation can have a healing impact and reduce relationship anxiety? How can you offer affirmation even when you are resisting it?
6 Ways to Affirm Your Partner Even When You Dont Want to
Sit in Presence Without Words
What does this mean? Often when we are at odds with someone we love, we want to vent and share our point of view. As many dating coaches will advise, it is extremely important to authentically communicate our wants and needs. But sometimes we need to begin by grounding our bodies and our nervous systems. What are some ways to sit in your presence and to release anxiety and frustration? If you are able to, sit cross-legged on the floor with your partner, knees touching. If you can, hold hands. Or if you do not feel like touching to this extent, place your hands on your knees. Maintain eye contact with one another. Try to align your breath with one another by inhaling for three seconds, holding for three seconds, and exhaling with a sigh for another three seconds.
At first, you may be tempted to not want to give in the practice. This is absolutely understandable and ok. Stick with it. You may be tempted to laugh. This reaction is also expected--you are both allowing yourself to step deeper into vulnerability. This can be a challenge, and initially cause a bit of anxiety. As you continue to breathe together, observe how your body begins to soften and relax. Observe this also in your partner. Did you see the tension fall from their shoulders? Did they start to crack a smile at you? Is there a softness in their gaze? When you both are ready, place one hand over your heart, and the other over your partner’s heart. Have them do the same for you. Continue to breathe and soften into one another, maintaining eye contact. Continue the practice until you feel stable and connected.
Observe The Unexpected With Words
Maybe your partner has been putting in extra hours at work, is coping with aging parents, or is just frustrated because their gym schedule is out of whack. Maybe they are feeling highly sensitive or experiencing anxiety. Take some time to step back and look at your partner from a bird’s eye point of view. Do they always start the laundry without being asked? Did they rush through a shower to make sure you had enough hot water? Did they reschedule with the Los Angeles couples therapist when they knew you had a conflict? Maybe they brought you coffee when you were down or spent extra time talking to a neighbor when your social battery was low.
Whatever it is, consider how your partner’s actions translate into your connection with them, or your love for them, and offer a verbal affirmation:
“Hey, I am not sure that I have made the time to say thank you for getting up early to check the air in the tires before vacation. I really appreciate how intentional you are about the safety of our family, and I really wanted to thank you for that.”
If you are able to look into your partner’s eyes with intention as you say this, all of the better. To add even more sweetness, try connecting this action of your partner to the early throes of your relationship:
“One of the reasons I fell in love with you is that you always create an intentional space of safety. Do you remember how bad I used to be with GPS and how you walked me through a few hacks to make my road trips easier? That meant the world to me, and it still does.”
Bonus points if the memory you bring up causes you both to laugh.
Offer to Hold Space
Often when we are weary in conversation we lapse into habits that don’t foster closeness: we interrupt, give unsolicited advice, or pick up our phone, distracted. In the exhausting world of online dating, we often forget what it means to truly connect. One of the ways that we can nurture the connection with one another is to hold space.
What does this mean? It means we allow the other person to share verbally; our job is to simply listen and affirm. It is a way of creating emotional safety and allowing the other person to process their emotions out loud, and to be held in non-judgment while doing so. It is an act of “being” for the person we love. For example, your partner may appreciate space to vent honestly about their boss. Your role is to listen, touch them if they wish it, and offer supportive phrases. “I acknowledge that must have been difficult for you.” “Wow, that really was egregious for him to say that!” “I cannot imagine how frustrated you are; you have worked on this project for over two years.” “I’m here for you.” “I enjoy listening and supporting you.” These are phrases that are often very effective in couples therapy in Los Angeles too.
A few caveats: this is not a time to share your own stories and anecdotes, and especially not to compare stories. It is also not a time to judge silently or react strongly. One of the purposes of holding space is to observe your partner, to witness their safety as they share, and to note the transition they experience from tension to relief.
Try to end with “Thank you so much for trusting me with that and for sharing so openly with me.” And remember, this is an exceptional practice for highly sensitive people (HSP) too.
Perform an Act of Service
You may not want to be in a space of physical closeness with your partner, and you may not be ready to offer words that are affirming. That is absolutely ok. This does not mean that you cannot still acknowledge them through gestures. Consider making a meal that you both find comforting, or surprising them with their favorite takeout. Go through that junk drawer that drives you both to anger. Schedule the termite inspection so there is one less thing on their to-do list. Plan an afternoon drive away and take them to a place you both have always wanted to try. Take the kids for the day and allow them to have the house to themselves, without any expectation of how they spend their time.
Ask Them to Affirm You
This may seem counterintuitive, but asking your partner to offer affirmation can also become an act of affirmation for your relationship too. Grab a coffee together and ask them if they would be willing to share their thoughts with you. Some questions to consider:
What do I do that makes you feel loved?
When was the last time you smiled over a text I sent? Why?
What is your favorite story to tell others about me?
Remind me again why we fell in love.
What was it about my online dating profile that drew you in?
What do I do around the house that you appreciate?
How do you experience fun with me?
What is something I do that brings you joy?
If you had to affirm me with only four words, what would they be and why?
Keep in mind, this is not a time to talk about relationship snags or areas that are troubling to them. This is a space to affirm you and the closeness that your partner feels to you. If you both are unable to be in a space of affirmation, this might be something to visit further with online couples therapy in Los Angeles, CA.
Incorporate Daily Phrases into Your Dialogue and Communication
You both have been frazzled and have not had time to be alone. Send an unexpected text saying “I am so lucky you are in my life.” When they are cooking dinner, remind them of how much you love their signature dishes: “Honey, no one cooks brussels sprouts like you do.” Some other phrases to consider:
“I love how you kiss me.”
“I am so impressed when you…”
“You make me feel…”
“Thank you for…”
“I appreciate it when you…”
“I love you”
“You are the best”
“I could not do this without you.”
Offering intentional acts of affirmation can be transformational in how we connect, in enhancing couples therapy, in going from online dating to in-person, and in establishing trust after infidelity.
Starts Couples Therapy with A Los Angeles Couples Therapist
If you and your partner are struggling to affirm each other or communicate effectively, it’s time to seek help in couples therapy. A trained Los Angles couples therapist can guide you through these 6 strategies, help you identify patterns in your relationship, and teach you how to express you need and emotions in a healthy way. Take action and start improving your relationship by following these steps:
Reach out today to schedule a consultation or book an appointment at Therapy for Adults
Start working with a couples therapist who can help you build a stronger and more fulfilling relationship.
Enjoy a happier and more fulfilling future together
Other Counseling Services Available in Los Angeles
At Therapy for Adults, I offer a variety of counseling services for relationships, HSP individuals, and those with anxiety through online therapy in California. This includes therapy for dating and relationship issues and dating coaching.
