Reasons People Seek Financial Couples Therapy in Los Angeles
Money and financial issues are often cited as the primary reason for arguments and divorce. This issue is dynamic and multifaceted but financial couples therapy can help keep it from leading to divorce.
Money is a Family Issue.
Each of us grows up in our own family ecosystem. We are in a culture where there is a tremendous amount of money shame and discussing financial issues are discouraged. All this money shame and silence can create heavy emotional issues like isolation and alienation around money. When we do not talk about money issues in relationships or money issues in our family of origin, our assumptions and beliefs can go unchecked.
Did your parents horde money and things? Did they spend frivolously? Did you grow up in a family where there was a feeling of lack? Were you raised to not talk with others about money? Was frugality praised or disparaged?
How we are raised around money has an impact on us as adults and this impacts our current relationships.
Dating and Finances
It seems comical now but there was an ancient custom of a dowry, a payment given by the bride’s family, to the groom. Marriage and money have never been separate entities. Even the government provides tax benefits to people who are married. If the end goal of dating is marriage, then it is no surprise that dating itself is riddled with money issues. What follows is just the start of a bigger conversation regarding financial dynamics in relationships.
Engaged to Marry with Financial Issues
A study by National Debt Relief states that 3 out of 5 American has considered delaying marriage with their partner that has debt. This means 60% of Americans consider a partner’s debt to be serious enough to not advance their level of commitment.
Concerns for Single People in Debt
The above statistic that more than half of people have considered postponing marriage due to their partner’s financial insecurity can bring about feelings or shame or embarrassment. A good friend might give the advice to just communicate with your partner. However, as a couple’s therapist, I would suggest you take some steps before such a conversation.
Advice From A Los Angeles Couples Therapist for Those in a Relationship With Financial Issues
Get clear on your finances:
Gather all of your credit card statements, along with any other notices of debt such as medical expenses, student loans, and money owed to friends. Create two lists. Create a list of what your minimum payments are due each month. Also, create a list totally what is your oval debt.
Talk about Financial issues with your partner:
Communicate with your partner about financial issues when you have an idea of your total debt. Most financial counselors would recommend that you write a list of each credit card, its balance, and its interest rate.
Create a Plan for Your Debt:
Tackling your debt can vary depending on each person. . Some debt experts suggest putting the bulk of your excess money towards the highest interest rates. Financial planner Dave Ramsey, suggests that people pay off the smallest debt first. His thought is that by doing so provides a sense of accomplishment and this helps one stay motivated.
Given that this is so individualized, it is helpful for one to know themselves and what works best. This is where seeing a financial therapist or financial counselor is helpful.
Dating the Opposite Sex with Financial Issues:
At Therapy for Adults I like to always encourage thinking beyond the gender binary, yet when dating gender roles and expectations get assigned out of assumptions. This is especially true regarding money. What follows is a cursory exploration of some of these issues when dating someone of the opposite sex. There will be some generalizing, which is complicated and problematic but given to be helpful to offer some information and input about these issues of being a couple with financial issues.
Dating a Man with Financial Problems
Men are in a particular situation of feeling the need to be the provider for their partner/family. This is a desire that can be out of love or social pressure. Yet, it can also feel and be unattainable due to ones earning potential or the expensive city one might live in, such as Los Angeles. The fairytales we had growing up never involved conversations about splitting expenses in half.
I imagine one reading this section on Dating a Man with Financial Problems because they are considering it or are in a relationship already. I invite you to put aside your own feelings and explore what might be going on for them. This process of setting oneself aside to consider another is referred to as mentalizing. Mentalizing can sound like a very intimidating term but is a concept you’re probably already familiar with. The experience is what your parents or grandparents called “Walking a mile in someone else’s shoes “but doing it emotionally. The ability to differentiate someone’s experience is helpful. In every relationship conflict, but especially so financially when emotions can be high, is triggering.
Dating a Woman with Financial problems
Women’s experiences with money can be very different from men's. These differences start at an early age depending on their home environment and parental modeling. Numerous studies have shown that women get paid less for the same positions as men. Young girls are also encouraged into job positions and career fields that pay less, such as teaching and caregiving professions. Money can also be a means of control and how partners in their past have exhibited control. These are just some of the reasons that women might have sensitive feelings regarding money.
Though men might feel the pressure to pick up the check, women might also feel the pressure to look perfect. The beauty industry can give one the impression that blowouts, manicures, and designer handbags are all necessary to get someone’s attention and love. Experienced in assisting people with financial problems, I encourage you to mentalize what might be going on for a woman with finical issues.
Challenges of Dating with Financial Issues in Los Angeles.
Dating in any city brings about its own challenges. Dating in Los Angeles, especially in areas with a higher rate of living like West Los Angeles, can cause anxiety and stress for both parties. During the first few dates, there is a desire to impress a partner. This can cause some to spend money beyond their budget on their outfit or the evening out.
Los Angeles is an Expensive City
The cost of living in Los Angeles is 7% higher than the state average. Los Angeles living cost is 51% higher than the national average. Housing statistics are even more telling, with Los Angeles housing being 132% more expensive than the U.S. average. Unless you are having a long-distance relationship, these west Los Angeles money realities are being experienced by both parties on a date.
Final Thoughts on Dating With Financial Issues
As you might be able to tell, I subscribe to having a generous outlook on your partner’s experience. If you find yourself feeling critical or judgmental about dating someone with money issues, I suggest getting curious. Start asking yourself questions about what their experience might be. Dial up your curiosity and see where your thoughts go with questions rather than judgment. Chances are you will gain perspective and insights. Above lists only a few examples of financial factors that might impact someone.
Start Financial Couples Therapy in Los Angeles, CA
Don't let money issues drive a wedge between you and your partner. Consider starting financial couples therapy at Therapy for Adults in Los Angeles in order to get clear on your financials, talk about the issues, and make a plan. If you are looking for an experienced couples therapist for financial problems, please follow these steps:
Reach out for a free 15-minute phone call
Schedule your first appointment for couples’ financial counseling
Invest in the health and longevity of your relationship
Other Therapy Services Available in Los Angeles, CA
You can receive more than financial couples therapy at Therapy for Adults. This includes support for general relationship issues and dating issues as well as support from a dating coach. You can also receive anxiety therapy and highly sensitive person treatment. All of these are available through online therapy in California.
