How to Repair & Apologize After an Argument With Your Partner: Advice From An Online Couples Therapist
When arguments occur, especially in intimate or long-term relationships, often we experience a range of emotions, not just one. We may be confused, hurt, curious, irate, sad--or a combination of all or none of these.
It is important to admit we can hold more than one emotional response at a time—one feeling or experience does not immediately exclude or negate the other. We may be both angry and sad. We may be both frustrated and confused. We may be both irate and devastated. We may both see our partner’s point and feel absolutely invalidated. We may feel both fear and love at the same time.
How Did You Feel in Your Last Argument?
Think about the last time you and your partner were in an argument. How did your body feel at the moment? Were you short of breath? Sweating? Did you feel anxiety? Were you unable to focus on your partner’s words? Did you feel numb? Did you leave the room? Often, when we are in an argument our nervous systems are very dysregulated. This contributes to approaching conversation from a place of defensiveness, past triggers, and wounds. Often this means we make assumptions due to past patterns, which is ultimately not considerate of our partner or our relationships.
This combination does not lead to productive or helpful conversation. And it can also drive a further wedge between ourselves and our partner.
So, once we’ve had an argument, how do we begin to repair it? How do we keep the argument from reoccurring? It is best to reflect on these steps not in the heat of the moment, but rather when there has been space for each of you to come to a sense of calm and process the conversation.
Steps to Repairing Your Relationship After an Argument
Clearly identify your emotions both during and after the argument.
It may be helpful to write them down and to be as specific as possible. For example, “I found our discussion about how much time we spend with relatives initially productive. However, I noticed that your word choice around the time I spent with my mother got very heated and binary.
I found myself growing increasingly angry because some of your word choices felt harsh, and because I heard “all or nothing” kinds of phrases: ‘You always prioritize your mom over me.’ ‘You never make time for me on Sunday morning because you are always at brunch with your mom.’ This made me feel as if I had to defend my time with my mom, and I found myself very frustrated and angry.”
Take a moment to check in with your physical body.
As you are writing down what emotions came up for you, take note of how your body felt. Did your heart start to race? Were you thinking of responses in your head to offer in retort versus listening to your partner’s concerns? Did you feel disassociated or numb because it seems your partner is not truly listening to your concerns? Is there a sense of anxiety or panic because you have continued to explain your impressions, only to be met with resistance? Are you frustrated because this is an argument you have visited and revisited and it does not seem to resolve?
Noting how the emotion feels in your body is powerful. Acknowledging and identifying it allows us to be in a state of conscious awareness. By doing so, we are then able to work with it in future discussions. For example, knowing that your heart starts to race when financial issues come up is a cue for you. It allows you to be aware that you are entering into a state where you are feeling defensive, and uncomfortable, and that future discussions need to be handled with care, sensitivity, and attentiveness to heightened states of emotion.
Once you have identified how you are experiencing emotions in the body, begin to step out of your emotions for a moment.
This may be a challenge to do, particularly if the argument is one that has occurred in a pattern over a long period of time. But it is essential to understand not only how you experience the argument, but how you can work to repair within the self. Gently take a look at how you may have reacted or responded during the argument with your partner. Did you react by interrupting your partner?
Did you respond by asking for clarification when you were confused? Did you escalate the argument because your partner began bringing up past grievances? Did you stay level-headed and attempt to keep the argument from veering into other topics? Offer yourself ease and grace in this process. Often we emulate patterns that we saw in family dynamics growing up. One of the best ways to break this cycle is to do the inner work and become consciously aware of our patterns. Accountability leads to the potential for change—it can also downgrade past arguments into peaceful and safe discussions.
State your needs.
Take the work of the three previous steps and sit down with your partner. This is where you tap into your vulnerability and openly share what works or does not work for you during an argument. Agree before sharing that this is a safe space conversation for both of you; it is not a way to revisit the argument, but rather to repair it. If you both feel that emotions are still running too high, consider seeking out couples counseling, couples therapy, marriage therapists, marriage counseling, or a relationship therapist or relationship counselor that can help keep you both on track.
This is an extremely crucial step: if you are not able to know your needs it is difficult to make progress. If you are not able to articulate your needs to your partner, they won’t know how to support you. Expecting those we love to be mind-readers is a recipe for resentment, grudges, and continued arguments. It is imperative that we not only be aware of our needs but that we are able to communicate them clearly.
Be sure, after stating your needs, that you also invite your partner into the discussion. This might look like the following:
I notice when we argue that you pace around the room. This leads me to feel that you are not fully engaged. I know movement is important to you when we have heated discussions, but how can we find a happy medium?
It really helps if I have grounded physical touch during an argument. Because of my past, sometimes I get so angry I cannot breathe. If you are able to hold my hand and remind me to breathe, that would be helpful in ensuring that I feel safe. Is this something you can offer me?
I feel when we discuss finances that our conversation veers into past grievances that have nothing to do with our initial discussion. This leads me to feel like our arguments go in circles and we do not make much progress as a result. Do you have any suggestions for how we can stay on track?
I’ve noticed lately that our arguments involve name-calling. This makes me feel really uncomfortable, and I think about those words long after the argument. How can we work on changing this pattern?
In the past, our blowups have usually ended with sex. It seems that we keep repeating this pattern, and I am concerned we are using physical intimacy as a way to avoid verbal apology. What are your thoughts on this?
Steps For Working on Your Relationship For Future Arguments
Ask your partner how you can do better.
For many couples, this can be a very challenging step. We don’t like to hear how our actions may have hurt those we love. However, in order to repair and change patterns, this is extremely important. Remember, this is not a time to take your partner’s concerns personally. This is their opportunity to safely offer you information on how to help them feel more loved and secure. This is an invitation step, not a judgment of your significant other. For many partners, just asking this question alone can lead to true improvement and progress in relationship repair.
Come up with argument rules and commit to them.
This is where the discussion has the opportunity to become freeing, creative, and fun. Give yourselves permission to think outside of the box and out of previous assumptions regarding your relationship dynamics. For example, one rule could be that you always have to be facing each other when you have an argument. If this means pulling the car over to maintain eye contact, then stick to this covenant with one another. Other rules could involve agreements around interrupting, unsolicited advice, how to truly apologize, or tone.
There could be rules about raised voices, leaving the room, screen disruption, when and where to have discussions, or parameters around being sure that you are both well-fed, hydrated and rested before taking on sensitive subjects. Maybe every argument has to end in a conscious and connected embrace. For highly sensitive people, having these kinds of rules often creates a sense of freedom and safety. This is because we know what to expect from our partner, and we trust that our commitments to each other will not be violated, even in the heat of the moment.
Try the unexpected.
When a discussion starts to escalate into an argument, sometimes it helps to mix up the environment. For example, one couple has a technique called “going to the floor.” When their conversations begin to turn into a fight, they agree to sit on the floor, or sometimes lie on the floor, on their bellies, facing each other.
Just the unexpected change in physical space often eases the tension. They find it difficult to be as angry with one another. This is because there is a certain preposterousness to looking at one another from the floor—and just this small change often causes humor for both of them. As this became a consistent practice in their relationship, it also started transforming how they approached arguments.
Treat yourself and your partner with ease and grace.
When we feel invalidated or unheard, or when we carry the weight of past relationships or unhealthy family dynamics, it can spill over into our sense of ease and love with our partner. Doing the work of repair is extremely challenging—it requires deep trust and vulnerability. It is a commitment to inner work. It means we have to look within our own fallibility and admit our mistakes.
It also requires us to make conscious and thoughtful apologies that truly offer healing and progress. Saying “I’m sorry” and not changing a pattern only leads to resentment, wounds, and amplified frustration. Saying “I apologize” and committing to changing your behavior based on your needs, and your partner’s needs and conscious conversation can be transformational. This leads to higher intimacy, true healing, and a sense of repair that becomes a practice rather than an anomaly.
As an online couples counselor, I can help in the repairing process after an argument has occurred. Please feel free to reach out if you are in need of couples counseling in Los Angeles.
Interested in Couples Counseling in Los Angeles, CA?
If you and your partner are struggling to repair your relationship after an argument, don't give up hope! With couples counseling in Los Angeles, I can help provide a safe and supportive space for you and your partner to work through your issues and rebuild your connection. Take the first step towards healing by following these three simple steps:
Reach out for a free consultation or schedule it online.
Schedule your appointment at Therapy for Adults and meet with me, Steven Reigns.
Start repairing and reconnecting with your partner in a positive way!
Other Therapy Services I Offer in Los Angeles, CA
In addition to couples counseling at my Los Angeles, CA practice, I also offer therapy for dating and relationship issues, dating coaching, and marriage counseling. At Therapy For Adults, I also provide services for highly sensitive people and those with anxiety. While I provide counseling services virtually throughout California, my coaching services are available to anyone in the United States. To learn more check out my Blog!
