Dating for a Long-Term Relationship: How Do I Stay Magnetic for My Partner?
Many would argue that magnetism and attraction are based on the superficial—that looks, income or material possessions are all that one needs to not only instigate but to keep attraction. However, for those looking for true intimacy in a long-term partnership, there is one quality that supersedes all others: consistency of presence.
This may seem like a surprising revelation, but it is important to reconsider and debunk our misperceptions about the power of consistency. Podcasts, reality TV, articles, websites, social media, and dating apps have served to propagate a number of inaccurate myths about what consistency truly is. This only leads to more confusion.
So, let’s upend four myths and look at ways in which consistency not only enhances and heightens desire, but creates and nurtures magnetism within a relationship:
Myth 1: Being Consistent Means Being Boring or Mundane.
At the beginning of a relationship, an exchange can feel incredible—affirming, enticing, and exciting. Let’s take a look at the practice of “good morning” and “good night” texts for example. In the early days, texts like this can be incandescent—a reminder that a partner is not only thinking about you but that you are on their mind so much that they are willing to initiate and feed the connection. Think about how often, at the outset of a partnership, we check our phones waiting for a bing from the person we are captivated by.
There is a level of intoxication and excitement that only fuels the partnership. However, as the relationship develops, and as intimacy deepens, there is often the misperception that daily check in’s not only become boring, but exhausting. They can start to feel like a chore or an obligation. In fact, the opposite is true. If a regular texting pattern starts to feel too routine, this is an invitation to get creative, to mix it up, to inspire one another. While the specifics may depend on each individual relationship, here are a few ideas to shake up the routine and add some spark:
Instead of an Expected “Good Morning” Text, Try This:
Text a photo of something that reminds you of your partner, and let them know why. “Saw these daffodils and I know they are your favorite, so I thought I would text you flowers instead of our usual good morning. I hope you enjoy the surprise.”
Create Suspense.
“Good morning. You may have noticed there is an empty plate on the counter. Turns out there is a reason for this. Dinner is on me tonight—just wait until you see what I have planned. Hint: no dressing up required; Chef Me will give details later in the day.” (Always be certain to give just enough detail; not all partners like a complete surprise, and knowing that they aren’t dressing up after a long day of work will be just enough information to create suspense and not anxiety. This is especially true for highly sensitive people.)
Be Playful.
Take on a persona or a new texting style, especially one that your partner may find particularly hilarious. Adapt expressions from their favorite movie character, TV show, or another inside joke that will have them chuckling. Give them your best impression of Jerry Seinfeld or Jennifer Coolidge texting good morning, for example.
Send Along a Favorite Passage That Inspires You, and That Will Deepen The Connection.
“Good morning, babe. Remember yesterday when you were talking about how peaceful you feel when you are kayaking? I thought I would share this quote about kayaking with you because it seemed to align with exactly what you are saying. Hope you enjoy!”
Do Something Unexpected.
Instead of a “good morning” text, send a voice note, or call directly. Sometimes mixing up the how of the communication stream is just enough to add a bit of spice to the interaction.
An important note: if you tend to think of consistency as boring, this may also be an invitation to ask yourself about the volatility or the highs and lows of previous relationships. Are you hooked on a cycle of intense attention followed by withdrawal and ignoring? Of passionate arguing and passionate making up? Does a relationship not feel energetically charged if there is not an element of doubt or uncertainty? If so, these are key issues to discuss with a dating coach, relationship therapist, or couples counselor. Relationship patterns like these can often sabotage potential new partnerships because there is already an unhealthy expectation going in.
Myth 2: There is No Passion or Excitement Without Reactivity and Strong Emotion.
Often, we tend to think that being consistent in how we show up means drudgery—it can begin to feel like the same thing every time. This kind of belief can lead to resentment, disassociation, relationship sabotage, or shutting down entirely. Showing up in consistent presence is an act of love and intimacy—it is a way to not only affirm our partner but also our commitment to the relationship itself.
For example, let’s say one partner is very reactive when presented with a challenging conversation. Maybe he or she went over budget on a vacation and there needs to be a discussion about how to rein in spending and do better for the next trip. Even if the initiating partner presents the conversation from a place of concern and curiosity, the other partner tends to get angry and lash out: “Honey, I know we had an amazing time in Cabo, and we both let loose more than we anticipated. However, I have a few concerns about how we spend on vacation and I wanted to check in with you on how we might do better.”
While this may be a triggering conversation for the partner being addressed, if he or she overreacts, it causes a rift in intimacy: Maybe he or she responds with defensiveness, deflection, or blame shifting: “What are you saying? You are the one that wanted to go parasailing, not me!” Maybe they respond by shutting down: “We are not talking about finances today! I have enough on my plate already.” Maybe they disassociate entirely: “I’m in the middle of a game. I can’t focus on heavy conversations right now.”
Be Conscious of the Lack of Consistency of Presence and Self-Awareness
All of these responses a lack of consistency of presence and an absence of self-awareness. Imagine the difference if the other partner were to respond with consistency and compassion: “I can tell you are really overwhelmed by the budget this month. Thank you for bringing this up; I have concerns about our spending too. I am really overwhelmed with work at the moment, but how about we talk this through on Wednesday when my project is done?” or “Talking about finances is triggering for me because of my family history with spending.
But I am here for you—and for us—and I want to be sure that we talk this through. It is important to me that we stay on the same page and don’t perpetuate the patterns I grew up with.” If finances continue to be an issue, as in this example, couples financial counseling or financial couples therapy may also prove helpful.
Showing up with the consistency of presence also means practicing the following: affirming the other person’s request, thanking them for addressing the issue, being aware of how you are feeling in the moment, (and sharing this knowledge compassionately), and reminding them that they are safe with you.
Myth 3: Being Consistent is Too Much Work.
Like anything else, showing up with consistency is a practice. At first, it may feel odd or uncomfortable to affirm, offer gratitude, and acknowledge your emotional state and your partner’s emotional state. When things are particularly charged, it can be a tall order to step out of the energy of the moment.
However, it is crucial to take a deep breath, make a conscious choice to not be reactive, and then respond with empathy. The more one takes on the practice of consistency, the less it feels like work. It begins to feel inspired, revelatory, and even revolutionary for the growth of the relationship. An added bonus: it also amplifies desire and trust, leading to deeper intimacy and contentment.
Myth 4: Being Consistent Feels Too “Dependable.”
Part of being in a healthy and exciting relationship means that each person in the partnership can count on the other. Dependability can fuel enthusiasm, and growth, and only up the ante on the erotic. This is because each partner knows what to expect from the other, and therefore feels secure in the commitment. There is no extra effort lost on the chaos of wondering how the other partner may or may not respond—there is only the assurance that they are there and dedicated to the growth of the relationship. Additionally, dependability leads to safety—it is an affirmation to your partner that they can be themselves without judgment.
Being dependable means that if one partner breaks down to cry and has emotional release, the other partner is not going to tell them they have to feel better, get over it, or judge them for processing emotion. Instead, dependability means that you create safety for your partner—you know that they are capable of holding space, offering comfort, and are unphased by emotional expression. They are committed to working through the emotion with you. However, part of being dependable also means being aware of your own emotional needs and state of mind.
Communicate Your Boundaries If You Cannot Be Dependable
If you are not able to hold space for a partner at the moment, that requires communicating your boundaries and needs as well: “I would love to hold space for you but it has been an extremely taxing day for me too. Can we talk after I have a shower and a reset? If voicing your own needs tends to be a struggle, this is where consulting a dating coach, couples therapist, relationship counselor, relationship coach, or even online couples therapy is important.
Remember, consistency can be the most erotic, transforming, and magnetic way to keep your relationship full of dynamic exchange and spice. Be sure to not give in to myths and misperceptions about the consistency of presence, and instead take on the practice and see where it leads you.
If you’d like to know more or discuss ways you can keep consistency of presence, schedule an appointment with me.
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If you're feeling disconnected from your partner and want to reignite the spark, I encourage you to consider couples counseling. As a skilled couples therapist, I can help you identify and address the underlying issues that are causing distance in your relationship, and provide you with the tools to communicate effectively and rekindle your intimacy. Remember, investing in your relationship at Therapy for Adults now can pay off immensely in the long run, leading to a more fulfilling and magnetic partnership. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
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