Working on Repair With Your Partner: Texting Tips From a Los Angeles Couples Therapist
While arguing over text is hardly an ideal situation in a partnership, knowing how and what to text in heated situations is an essential way to reroute conflict to a state of repair. Sometimes, a well-thought-out, clear, and empathetic text can also be an invitation to greater understanding within the relationship. While chronic arguments and tensions are ultimately cycles to address with a Los Angeles couples therapist in Couples Therapy, in the meantime, let’s take a look at a few scenarios where text can be a way to re-engage and invite repair with your partner.
Additionally, let’s also take a look at language never to use over text, especially in the heat of the moment.
Navigating Conflict Over Text
A crucial reminder for navigating conflict over text: not only is it to be clear – and concise – in your messaging, but it is also important to assure (or reassure) and affirm your partner that you are also committed to the work and that you acknowledge how they are feeling as well.
When you feel as if they have issued a non-apology
I know we both have a lot of tension over this issue, and I appreciate you acknowledging my hurt in it. I would like to talk more about what I have learned about apology so that we can change this cycle. Are you open to that? I also want to affirm that I love you and I am committed to you and this process; I believe in us.
When you have both worked on repair from a previous argument, but still don’t feel there is a resolution
I am still thinking about what happened. I am grateful for our discussion and the way we apologized to one another. I would like to talk about it more tonight if you are willing. I love you and I just want to be sure we are on the same page as we move forward with this.
When you acted poorly in an argument and it is still not sitting well with you
I want to apologize again for how I behaved. I am still processing and I know that this caused a lot of pain for both of us. I know you asked for some time to think through our argument and I want to respect that. I also wanted to reassure you that I am sorry and that I am committed to working on myself – and us.
When you have had an argument but there has been distance from your partner and no repair
When would be a good time for us to talk? It is important to me to process and repair after our discussion yesterday. I am free tonight after six and would love to see you to talk this through. I love you and am here to support you.
When a text exchange turns into an argument
I know this is a tense area for both of us. We are both hurting and I know I am not acting my best. I would like for us to pause and come back to this discussion tonight. Will that work for you?
When your partner's responses drop off, become one-word responses, or you are confused about how they are feeling
I thought I understood our discussion but now I am not sure. I am feeling disconnected and confused and I really want to understand better – can we meet in person later to talk about it? I also want to reassure you that I am here for you and that appreciate you being so patient as we work through this.
Phrases to Avoid When Texting Your Partner
And here are some phrases to avoid in text messaging, especially during a heated discussion:
You always/you never.
Often, when we are angry our brain tends to generalize patterns in an attempt to “prove a point.” If you catch yourself thinking in this kind of binary language, switch over from blame and sweeping statements to specifics:
It makes me feel angry when I have to remind you to pick up the dry cleaning on Thursdays. I am frustrated because you invited your parents over for dinner without consulting me.
This conversation is over/ any kind of dictating language that does not check in with your partner
If you notice a text exchange veering toward anger, and you are feeling increasingly frustrated and misunderstood, do not shut down the conversation with a unilateral decision. Instead, say: It sounds like we are both getting increasingly frustrated. I am overwhelmed and would prefer to have this conversation in person.
Emojis or memes instead of words
Though it may come as a surprise, emojis, and memes can play multiple roles in nuance or how they are interpreted. What may feel humorous or diffusing to you might be irritating or dismissive to your partner. It could also lead to your partner not feeling as if you are taking their concerns seriously.
If a text argument turns to these exchanges, often it can indicate that the person is dissociating, becoming passive-aggressive, or feeling overwhelmed by articulating their emotions.
This is a great time to say: I feel like we may not be connecting clearly in our discussion. Can we have a phone call about this or work on it in person?
Name-calling
If a text conversation devolves into name-calling, this is a red flag for taking a minute, setting a boundary, and seeing to repair in a different way: I know we are both frustrated but it is never ok for us to call each other names. Let’s take an hour to calm down and then have a discussion that is not over text.
Proving grievances to make a point
Though it may seem tempting to “put it all in writing,” digging up past patterns over text, and past arguments, is not helpful to productive discussion. While typing out a list may seem cathartic to the person writing it, the litany of accusations – and the listing all in one place – does not offer the other partner a chance for discussion, clarity, or true connection. It becomes about “You are right/ I am wrong,” which is a surefire way to feel disconnection from your partner.
Instead, say:
I am noticing certain patterns within us that have been building over time. I hadn’t realized how much this was bothering me until now. Can we please have a discussion to see how we can work on not perpetuating this in our relationship?
A Few More Tips From a Los Angeles Couples Therapist
As you are texting with your partner, be sure to check in with yourself. Is your heart racing? Are you typing so fast that you cannot wait to hit send to prove your point? Muttering things under your breath? Are you tearing up or feeling panicky? Is your partner reminding you of a past relationship wound or pattern that actually has nothing to do with them? Are you reading texts so fast that you are missing details? Did you slam your phone down or turn on the TV in an attempt to distract yourself from the conversation? Any of these types of responses is a sign to channel your energy in a different way and to lovingly set a boundary to process, so
Instead of feeding into the fire of the exchange, try this:
I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. Please give me a few minutes to clear my head before I respond. And, if you are on the receiving end of this text exchange, as frustrating as it may be – or as heated as you may feel – it is important to honor your partner’s boundaries in it.
Try this:
Thank you for letting me know. It is a good idea for both of us to take a breath. I love you and am here to talk when we both are feeling less charged about this.
Once you both are in a state of harmony, and it is clear that both of you are feeling on the same page – and perhaps even experiencing a sense of relief at coming to an accord – don’t forget to offer gratitude, assurance, and even humor as part of the exchange:
Consider this:
Thank you so much for having this discussion with me, and from such a place of compassion. I feel so relieved that we both have an understanding now. I am so grateful that you are in my life. I am smiling as I type this, and I can’t wait to hug you later tonight.
This is also an ideal place to insert a little humor, perhaps referring to a long-standing joke or reference between the two of you:
And I know you said you were bringing the wine, but I already have a bottle too. So, this just means double the toasting for us!
The Role of Text Messaging in Fostering Relationship Intimacy and Understanding
Text messaging patterns inevitably weave into our relationship dynamic. Part of developing intimacy, humor, and our own language as a couple means having transparency in understanding how we text, especially during conflict. It also means working to ensure those patterns only nurture emotional connection, safety, and understanding. Discussing how you text with your partner – and how that is affecting your relationship – is an important area to examine with one another and with a couples therapist at Therapy for Adults. Knowing how to invite repair over text, how to deepen emotional safety, and even how to use gentle humor after repair, means that texting can only add to your bond, versus creating friction and disconnection.
Work On Your Communication With Couples Therapy in Los Angeles, CA
Are you and your partner struggling with conflict and communication? Discover the benefits of couples therapy in Los Angeles, CA, to strengthen your bond and resolve issues effectively. Schedule a session with a skilled couples therapist at Therapy For Adults, to create a more harmonious and understanding relationship. Follow these three simple steps to get started:
Contact me today for a free consultation to see if couples therapy is right for you
Begin meeting with me, Steven Reigns, a skilled Los Angeles couples therapist
Start working on your communication skills!
Other Counseling Services I Offer in Los Angeles
At Therapy for Adults, I offer support for anyone experiencing relationship issues, not just couples. In addition to helping you work on your communication skills in couples therapy, I also offer dating coaching and therapy for dating and relationship issues. Additionally, I help highly sensitive people process their uniqueness and appreciate their surroundings and rich internal life. All of these services are available through online therapy throughout California. Check out my blog for more articles!
About the Author
Therapy for Adults is a boutique counseling practice specializing in nurturing healthy relationships. Led by Steven, a Licensed Therapist, who has over a decade of experience, our practice offers tailored therapy sessions for individuals and couples. Using an eclectic and evidence-based approach, we empower our clients to deepen emotional intimacy, resolve conflicts, and cultivate lasting connection, and fulfilling relationships.
